(I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm not a native speaker so... yeah...)

writing has always helped me to calm down and sort through my feelings and thoughts, and I can write better when I feel like someone's going to read it, because that way it feels more like a conversation.
But I guess I've annoyed my friends enough by rambling on and on about my problems, so I guess I'll just write it down here.

First off, I'm very certain that I'm suffering from BPD (not diagnosed for sure yet because I left treatment at a psychiatric clinic before they could fully diagnose me).
Anyway, I haven't been in school for months, as school is very triggering for me (was bullied a few years ago) and also I'm still suffering from mono, the famous kissing desease (has anyone had that? horrible, seems like you can suffer from it for up to 6 months!).
But they longer I stay away from school, the worse I feel about myself, and about going back to school. I have very high expectations of myself, especially my success at school, and I also seek attention from my parents who have been invalidating for years, by trying to be as perfect in school as possible.
Of course, wanting to be constantly better and better and never being satisfied with the results (I am not meant to be a straight A student, I'm pretty good, but not that good, and anything less is not good enough for me) puts a strain on you eventually, and that's why I "crashed" this spring and had to be hospitalized.

Now I have set a goal to go back to school a week from now, but I'm not sure I can. I don't know anymore how much of my "I can't go to school, I just can't!" is because of mono, and how much is because of my psychological issues.

What I hate the most is that I have so many invalidating people around me.
I hate being told "It can't be that bad", "Others don't like going to school either, but they can do it". That's the thing: Why does everyone always think just because someone else can handle a situation or do something, that I have to be able to do it aswell?

A little anecdote about that: A few years ago, nearing the end of a school year, I was really stressed because I had to prepare 4 presentations in one week. Two of them needed to be good so I wouldn't be failing the class.
Because of this stress, I forgot a little group presentation for my music class that I should have prepared aswell. As the day of the presentation came, my group (4 students I think) literally cornered me at school, accusing me, finding it unacceptable that I forgot to prepare my speech for our presentation. I tried to explain my situation, telling them how stressed I'd been, but another student said "Well I have 4 presentations this week aswell, and I prepared my speech for today" (that girl never liked me). I then shouted to them "Well I'm not you, and I couldn't do it!" and ran away crying.
So that's that. I don't think many people know how much they can harm someone by just saying something the wrong way, or by judging you.
I've also had a best friend for years who kept judging and criticizing anything I said, whether an opinion on a tv show or my feelings for a boy I liked. She invalidated my feelings in the worst way, all the time. Everytime I argued with her (starting as a simple discussion, but oh well...) she would win in the end. I've never really figured out how she did it, but she was always right and I was always wrong. She was probably just a manipulative b***

Umm yes, I hate invalidation. But I was talking about going back to school.
What I hate is that everyone keeps telling me it's so easy to go to school, and I feel like they think I stay away from school on purpose, or that I'm just whiny and that I should get a grip and be stronger. What they don't know is that it already takes an incredible amount of strength to just live everyday, to not completely go crazy etc. I'm also very proud to say that I haven't...

[ Continued ]