(I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar errors. I'm not a native speaker so... yeah...)

writing has always helped me to calm down and sort through my feelings and thoughts, and I can write better when I feel like someone's going to read it, because that way it feels more like a conversation.
But I guess I've annoyed my friends enough by rambling on and on about my problems, so I guess I'll just write it down here.

First off, I'm very certain that I'm suffering from BPD (not diagnosed for sure yet because I left treatment at a psychiatric clinic before they could fully diagnose me).
Anyway, I haven't been in school for months, as school is very triggering for me (was bullied a few years ago) and also I'm still suffering from mono, the famous kissing desease (has anyone had that? horrible, seems like you can suffer from it for up to 6 months!).
But they longer I stay away from school, the worse I feel about myself, and about going back to school. I have very high expectations of myself, especially my success at school, and I also seek attention from my parents who have been invalidating for years, by trying to be as perfect in school as possible.
Of course, wanting to be constantly better and better and never being satisfied with the results (I am not meant to be a straight A student, I'm pretty good, but not that good, and anything less is not good enough for me) puts a strain on you eventually, and that's why I "crashed" this spring and had to be hospitalized.

Now I have set a goal to go back to school a week from now, but I'm not sure I can. I don't know anymore how much of my "I can't go to school, I just can't!" is because of mono, and how much is because of my psychological issues.

What I hate the most is that I have so many invalidating people around me.
I hate being told "It can't be that bad", "Others don't like going to school either, but they can do it". That's the thing: Why does everyone always think just because someone else can handle a situation or do something, that I have to be able to do it aswell?

A little anecdote about that: A few years ago, nearing the end of a school year, I was really stressed because I had to prepare 4 presentations in one week. Two of them needed to be good so I wouldn't be failing the class.
Because of this stress, I forgot a little group presentation for my music class that I should have prepared aswell. As the day of the presentation came, my group (4 students I think) literally cornered me at school, accusing me, finding it unacceptable that I forgot to prepare my speech for our presentation. I tried to explain my situation, telling them how stressed I'd been, but another student said "Well I have 4 presentations this week aswell, and I prepared my speech for today" (that girl never liked me). I then shouted to them "Well I'm not you, and I couldn't do it!" and ran away crying.
So that's that. I don't think many people know how much they can harm someone by just saying something the wrong way, or by judging you.
I've also had a best friend for years who kept judging and criticizing anything I said, whether an opinion on a tv show or my feelings for a boy I liked. She invalidated my feelings in the worst way, all the time. Everytime I argued with her (starting as a simple discussion, but oh well...) she would win in the end. I've never really figured out how she did it, but she was always right and I was always wrong. She was probably just a manipulative b***

Umm yes, I hate invalidation. But I was talking about going back to school.
What I hate is that everyone keeps telling me it's so easy to go to school, and I feel like they think I stay away from school on purpose, or that I'm just whiny and that I should get a grip and be stronger. What they don't know is that it already takes an incredible amount of strength to just live everyday, to not completely go crazy etc. I'm also very proud to say that I haven't been cutting for several weeks, and I'm fighting everyday. It's just weird to me that many people don't listen to peoples' feelings, but just judge them or pretend like they have to be and react the exact same way they do themselves. Isn't it clear that everyone's different in their actions and reactions?
I mean, of course some of the things I do may not be "healthy", I never said what I did was always right, but if they could just accept my feelings, I would feel so much better. because first they have to accept me as I am. Then we can speak about non-judgemental ways of figuring out a solution to problems.
What I also don't like, is when my mother tells me she can't help me. When she herself was in crisis aswell, she would even say me telling her about my problems was "bringing her down", making things worse for her. That way she made me feel guilty for sharing my problems. Damn it, no wonder I've been keeping so much from everyone all this time!
When my mother says now that she can't help me, I think she says that because she's in denial. She would've been able to cope with me having depression, because she knows about that herself, and maybe doesn't consider it so scary. But I don't think she wants to accept that I have BPD, probably because she's read the list of symptoms and doesn't want to think that "her daughter has come to this". She probably set all hopes in me to be the mentally healthy child (my brother suffers from social anxiety). Well mum, I hate to break it to you, but I'm not as perfect as you want me to be.
I wish she'd just accept that I am mentally ill, because then we'd be on the same page and she could help me deal with it.
But what I'm forgetting here is that she used to have issues herself. She's probably not 100% emotionally stable herself, which means I can't expect the world from her. Maybe it's too painful for her to go through this with me, maybe she feels guilty (everyone keeps telling her she failed somehow in raising her children - somehow she must have begun thinking that herself).

I guess I have to keep in mind that her denying the possibility of me having BPD could mean that she doesn't want me to feel all this pain and to struggle so much in my life, not that she doesn't accept me the way I am or that she doesn't believe what I say I feel.

Of course it doesn't make sense of her to want to keep me from pain by denying a possible diagnosis, because I'm going through this pain anyway, if she believes it or not.

Maybe her invalidating my feelings has been a defense mechanism of hers all along so she wouldn't have to deal with the possibly painful thought of her child being in pain.

Anyway, I now realize that I can't really say how much mother feels, because I have never been a mother to a child with a mental illness so I don't know how it feels.

It is definitely possible that
1.)my mother isn't a super-hero who is going to save me and who doesn't ever make mistakes
BUT
2.) she is also not a merciless monster who does everything in order to hurt me, who doesn't even want to understand, and who willingly does things to make my situation worse.

Hmmm I'm feeling so brilliant after this revelation.

But my ultimate problem is still school.
I'm not sure why I have such a problem with going to school. Of course it has to do with the fact that I was bullied years ago. I'm not currently bullied but some people who bully me are still around me, and in defense I act kind of hostile at school now, which makes most people, even those who don't know me, think I'm weird and just not talk to me.

I know I'm catastophizing when it comes to school. But I've tried to go back to school several times now, and I always wake up feeling I can't do it. It's a horrible feeling, but I also don't want to go through a big part of my day feeling like I'm in hell.

I've tried over and over again to pull together the facts, to tell myself it's not gonna be so bad, but as I can't really put a grasp on what I am fearing exactly, it's hard for me to work against it.
I want to go through school more than a week in a row, not feeling so horrible. I remeber days that were ok. I remember days when I couldn't wait for school to end, but the feeling that actually haunts me is that of a constant "I have to get out of here" thought. It's like I just can't stand being in that room, with those people around me.
I've also considered switching schools, but I'm not sure whether that would help. And I'm afraid it might make things worse because I wouldn't know anyone and I could get "actively" bullied again (I'm saying actively because I feel like I'm still being bullied but not with action. It's more like I see the way people look at me, or I don't know, little things. Or when I hear someone say someone said something about me in the restrooms again).

Anyway, I'll just have to do my best, and try to get back into school. I guess from then on I'll take it day by day, trying to be proud of my self for literally each step I take towards school. And ending up happy everytime I come home from school because I did it.
Maybe I have to endure this hell but I really don't want to. I've considered relaxation but that doesn't work during an actual lesson.

I often wonder why I have to go through this. Why me? It can always be worse of course, but still. I see my friends who are happy, and I'm just stumbling through life, messing up things, feeling those feelings that aren't rational.

This is pointless.
But anyway, I hope I'll write again soon and I'll just go ahead and stupidly wish myself goodluck with my school situation and everything. Because I do realize that this problem might not be over after I'm done with school. I might take this problem with me to university, or a potential job, so this is probably not over soon, which means I do have to find a solution. Let's just hope I get therapy soon so I can maybe figure out a way to cope with whatever this fear of school might be about.

Goodnight everyone, I'll go sleep now.