This morning Johann called me half an hour before we had to be at my therapist's, and he lives half an hour away from my house, and it's another half an hour to get to my therapist's office. He was in an extremely bad mood, and didn't want to talk to me long enough to explain it, he just basically told me that his whole day so far had sucked and he tell me everything later (in a snappy tone that sounded a bit like a combination of Johann and Johnny's, which is entirely plausible they were both in possession). I told him I would call and cancel my appointment because there was no way we would make it on time. Johann angrily insists that I call my grandma or someone else to take me because she and my mom would be mad if I didn't go because they're paying for it. I tried to tell him that it was MY choice to go to the therapist because I am an adult, but he INSISTED (and he was pissed, so I gave up arguing). I hung up and called my grandma who told me she was taking my mom to a doctor's appointment and couldn't take me, but would be perfectly fine with me canceling. I called my psychologist, who picked up the phone, understood the situation and told me he was free until 4:30 (it was 2:50 when I called him), so if we could get there before then, we could still see him. I called Johann back and let him know this, and Johann agreed.

Johann showed up around 3:00 and explained that his mother had spent the rest of last night screaming at him for tons of things and had pushed him into tears, then proceeded to do just the same thing this morning and he had had to grab his things and got out of the house before a fight escalated. We drove to the psychologist's in mostly awkward silence. I remember asking at one point, 'Were you and Johnny both in possession earlier when you called me?' 'I don't think so...why?' '...oh, well, your tone has changed into just yours now. It sounded more like yours and Johnny's before.' '...really?'

During the therapy session, Johann admitted to the other five and a half personalities in his head to my therapist. [My therapist already knew about Johann and Johnny, and Johann doesn't want to talk about Dante. So only Little Johann, Chibi, Kiddo, Johnny, Jack, and Ecchi were explained.] He explained at what ages they were created and what memory it was that they were created from and holding onto for him. Now, my therapist is not trained in DID, but he did say he would try to help us however he could. We got as far as to talk about (without naming the personalities, Johann didn't seem to want to use their names) where each one came from before the session ended, and my therapist promised to continue with us next week.

As we were leaving the office, I glanced over at them. Their eyes looked really weird...kind of like a combination of everyone's at once. Like no one in particular's eyes, and normally I can tell the alters apart by their eyes. I asked, 'So...who am I looking at...?' the response I got was, '...I don't know. You're just hearing the physical body's voice.' '...you don't know who is out right now?' '...no.' '...is everyone okay?' '...some people are scared, some people are crying, some people are yelling...' '...they don't know what to feel now that a therapist knows about them.' '...I haven't spoken to a therapist since I was Kiddo's age.' '...Jack isn't happy, is he?' [Jack was the one insistent on no one ever knowing about the others.] '('no kidding' look)'

Eventually Johann came back into total possession again. We went home for a bit and then went to the anime club with Kiddo in possession, wanting to 'have some fun' with his friends. And it was fairly obvious both to me and my best friend that Kiddo was in possession by how childish he was acting, doodling all over the whiteboard in our club room and drawing immature and stupid things until our club secretary scolded him to erase it all. During some down time during the club, Dante slipped out and decided to antagonize my best friend, because...

[ Continued ]

At about 12:30 in the afternoon Johann called me on the phone (he stayed at his mom's house last night). Dante had set their mental kitchen on fire in an attempt to get Jack's attention. (Jack and Dante have major rival issues.) Mental defenses kicking in angrily, Jack stormed outside with Johnny following to see what the demon's problem was (as Johnny will never willingly let Jack walk into danger alone), despite Johann trying to talk them out of it. Kiddo tried to follow them as well (wanting to go with Johnny), but Johann grabbed him and forced him to remain inside. A battle ensued outside. After a few minutes, Johann, worried about Jack and Johnny told Ecchi to watch the kids and ran outside to help them. Ecchi told me that from the window of the kitchen he could see a thunderstorm outside their house, indicating that someone's power was completely out of control. After a few moments of watching helplessly and observing as Johnny was stabbed, Ecchi ran out to help the others, leaving Kiddo in possession (to talk to me. Otherwise, I was catching bits and pieces of what they were saying to each other). Frantic, Kiddo asked me how they were supposed to stop a demon who was more than double the strength of four people combined. So, blurting out the first thing I could recall that I had learned about Dante (that when in possession their temples are extremely sensitive due to his horns) I told him, 'Um, uh, aim for his horns...??' Kiddo opened the window and yelled this out to the others. Apparently at some point after Johnny was on the ground bleeding and Ecchi had been knocked out and worried for Johann's safety, Jack managed to cut of Dante's horns, forcing him to revert back into his half-human form, and tied him up with a rope that would not allow Dante access to his powers. Johann and Jack helped the others inside, and Dante swore at them that Johnny was going to die (for the sake of watching Jack suffer the loss of his other half).
At this point Johann told me he had to get off the phone and go do chores for his mom, and I would have to wait until later to discover what had happened.

At about 10:45PM I get a call from Johann, who before I can say anything to, tells me that he's freaking out and having an anxiety attack. After convincing him to calm down enough to tell me what happened, Johann admits that after having been paid to fix someone's computer (he fixes computers as a side-job), he had bought some things to fix his truck with. Without thinking, he had apparently poured transmission fluid into the gas tank of the truck and had not realize it until after he had already done it (the way he worded it sounded far too much like a black out for my liking). He continued panicking and had a half-flashback wherein he started ranting about one of Yohann's memories (now his due to integration) wherein during their freshman year of college (2005?) down in Florida, their car's engine had blown up and with no method of transportation they had no money, had to quit school, had to quit their job, and had to call their mom and move back up to Connecticut to live with her and her fiance of nine years again (where he lives half the week when he isn't with me). He claimed that if he lost his truck now he'd lose his job, fall further into debt than he already is, be unable to pay bills, and wind up in jail, and that I would never want to wait years for him to get out of jail, that I would find someone else (I insisted that I was quite certain I don't want to spend my life with anyone else but him). Johann continues, claiming he doesn't know how he could do something so stupid and he had practically no recollection of doing what he had done, but that he knew it wasn't Dante (the only non-co-conscious alter we're aware of), at which point Dante chimes, 'No, it wasn't me...I was tired up. Stupid Jack tied me up with this g*dd***ed rope that's suppressing my demon powers. I don't know the first thing about trucks, anyway.' Pause in which...

[ Continued ]

**Trigger Warnings: Violence/death, slight sexual.**

So, I stated in my last entry that an evil alter had been killed by HIM, who then changed his name to Jack to avoid being anything like IT by not having a name.

Turns out that not only was IT still alive...it had jumped inside Jack just before Luke had gone to heal Jack from having his heart torn out by IT.

See, this morning Jack was in possession and we went to spend time together. But for some reason, both of us were in a funk and we couldn't figure out why. (I think I was in a funk because using my Empath abilities I had already realized that IT wasn't dead because Jack's aura felt wrong to me...) Jack was complaining that the scar over his heart felt like it was on fire to the point that he was actually whimpering in pain (very out of character for the normally emotionally detached alter). I told him to go lie down and went to make breakfast.

A few minutes later I hear Jack calling for me, only it's in a raspy tone (generally the one he uses when he's half-conscious for whatever reason, whether it's because he's tired, sick, or something is threatening the system). So I drop what I'm doing and go back into the bedroom to find Jack mumbling that he doesn't feel well and thinks he's going to throw up. Well, me being emetophobic (throw up phobic, in other words), go, 'Please don't...' and pull him into my lap trying to console him. Jack looks up at me slowly and goes, 'I have bad news...' '...what?' '...IT isn't dead...there's still...a piece...' A small reassuring smile crosses my face. 'I know. I realized that Wednesday night after you claimed it was dead.' 'Why the HELL didn't you tell me??' I looked down. 'Because...you wouldn't have believed me, Jack. You never do.'

Jack goes back to groaning that he doesn't feel well for another few minutes, so I stand up and prepare to leave and finish making breakfast. Jack tells me he doesn't want me to leave (almost in the scared little kid tone Little Johann used to give me), so I curl up on the bed beside him again, and pull him into my arms. Jack starts making choking noises (not like he's sick, like he's in pain), and realizing this I try to reassure him, 'You're nothing like IT, Jack...that's why we gave you a name. You HAVE a heart. You're nothing like him...'

Sure enough the body goes limp for a few minutes and then I get the response, '...you're right. I'm nothing like HIM.' the body's eyes open and I realize that I'm not looking at Jack anymore. Without showing it an ounce of fear, I reply, 'Oh, hello. You're here again.' IT stares at me darkly and I calmly stare back at it (though my heart's pounding) 'I'm still not afraid of you.' 'You should be.'

Rather than attempt to strangle me right off the bat like IT did the last time I met it, it allowed me to talk to it for a while. It did climb on top of and strattle me to the bed, but it never tried anything, it just wanted to feel in control. It didn't seem able to touch me, and kept telling me to 'let go of my arms', only I wasn't touching it (and I would come to later find out that Jack was fighting an internal battle with IT trying to get it out of him).

After a long conversation with it, I was told to strip naked, but that it didn't want my virginity anymore (as it had on Wednesday). Confused, I asked why. It told me just to do as it said and proceeded to grab and threaten to slit Little Johann's throat with it's talons unless I complied. Reluctantly, I removed my shirt, starting the demon across from me down. It stared at me for a moment and then mumbled something about an elemental mark on my chest. Confused, I asked what this meant, but was told there had to be more of them and that I had to remove my pants too (I was in my pajamas, I didn't have undergarments on) or he would kill Little Johann. Taking the demon at it's word, I stood up off the bed and removed them, and was then order to sit down again. He didn't touch me, but he still seemed to be observing...

[ Continued ]

S*** went down today. I promised the guys that I wouldn't tell the whole story, so I'm going to simplify it. Trigger warning? I don't even know, it's so complex.

A destructive fragment, the remains of an alter Jack tried to destroy once when they were a child came back this afternoon. Jack dubbed it 'IT' because he never wanted to see or speak of it again. Johnny released IT's fragment from the reliquary, and the fragment proceeded to rip out Jack's heart with it's bare hands (because Jack is the strongest in their mind), stabbed the host in the heart, and jabbed a knife into Johnny's throat so that not only would it kill him slowly, it would force him to watch 'what he did' in releasing IT. Johnny, before being stabbed, convinced Kiddo to run, rather than defend them as he was created to, and Kiddo and Ecchi ran off to defend Chibi. Therefore, IT turned it's sights on me in the physical world. It didn't get very far (but much farther than my comfort zone, mind you) before something stabbed it in the heart three times from behind and it died. Chibi approached me, using a voice that wasn't his and explained he was the light spirit of the body and it was his job to destroy the evil spirit. He also revived the others, claiming that the only reason they hadn't been actually killed was because Jack had a link to Johnny, Johnny had a link to Kiddo, and Kiddo had a link to Chibi. Kiddo and Chibi, as well as Ecchi, remained safe during IT's rampage therefore the links attaching Johnny and Jack's lives to them stayed intact despite Jack's having his heart ripped out. Johann probably had a link to Ecchi, which saved him as well.

I still don't know exactly what happened. But watching an alter in possession fall over on the ground gasping and choking about their heart is a frightening experience, I have to say...and IT made me watch Jack die (in possession) before turning his sights on me. And then I had to watch IT die as well...it was all awful...

At the end of the experience, the spirit dwelling inside Chibi's body (the real core without his own body) allowed me to give him the nickname 'Luke' (I claimed I wanted to call him that because 'Lux' is Latin for 'light' and he called himself the light spirit), and Jack (who was then going by HIM's name), wanting to be nothing like IT anymore decided to call himself Jack. He's become a bit more of a person since his naming. Johnny also, in his brooding this evening, removed the fragment from himself and using his own 'life force' (so to speak) gave the fragment it's own alter existence, making seven alters total. We're probably just going to call him Little Johann until we can come up with a name for him. Chibi is thrilled to be a big brother now since he's so used to being Kiddo's baby brother. c:

(Late posted because I didn't have time to finish it all in one night)

Had a scare with Johnny yesterday wherein Johann's system nearly crashed.

Johann and I went to my therapist yesterday. My therapist knows only about Johann and Johnny, but not about the other four. It was an accident that he found out about Johnny. He hasn't met Johnny, and Johnny adamantly refuses to reveal himself as 'himself' to anyone other than myself, so only Johann goes to the therapist with me, and begrudgingly talks about himself. Johann had a therapist screw him over as a child, including calling DCF on his mom on a false charge, and as such, it’s hard for Johann to talk to a therapist without Johnny taking over, shutting him up, and basically saying (in Johann’s voice), ‘Why don’t you ask Shawna about that?’.

We were talking to my therapist about the fact that we've been arguing more frequently lately, and that we had been having an argument over the phone the prior night when Johann was at his mom's house, and Johnny, who had been in possession, had fallen asleep (the physical body too) on the phone with me, and I was pissed about it. I claimed that while Johann was saying or doing one thing, "Johnny" (and by "Johnny" I was referring to Kiddo and Ecchi, not just Johnny, but could not say this aloud to my therapist) was doing something completely different and not listening to me. My therapist talked us through some of the things we had been arguing about, and sent us on our way promising to help more next week.

On the way out of the office, Johnny took over possession and didn't seem to be feeling well; he seemed to be dizzy and to be having trouble walking to the point that I had to catch him once. But this didn't strike me as odd because he was also sneezing a lot and I blamed it on the fact that Johann forgot to take their allergy meds before we left my house. Johnny started cursing about their ‘f***ing allergies’ so I decided not to say anything other than, “Didn’t take your meds, did you?” “No s***.” He insisted he was fine, and I know better than to question Johnny. I just assumed Johnny was grumpy because he wasn't feeling well, and for some reason it hadn't registered to me that only Johnny seemed to be effected by their allergies that day – Johann had been perfectly fine. Was it the age difference? Maybe their body’s allergies were worse at age sixteen? I had no idea what was going on in Johnny's head, Johnny claims he likes to be 'unpredictable'.

On the car ride to the dentist (which was our next stop of the day), Johann switched back into possession and started talking about all kind of random stuff that I don’t even remember. But as we pulled into my house, Johann goes, ‘Wait…why are we here?’ and Johnny chimes in, ‘We need to get something we forgot,.’ Johann rolls his eyes and goes, ‘Next time /tell me/ before you decide to control my body, a**hole.’ and lets Johnny take over again. Needless to say, Johnny went and found their allergy meds, and then we went to the dentist.

While I was at the dentist, I left my laptop in the waiting room with Johann, insisting that he could not use it. I always tell him it’s not to be used, I don’t trust anyone but myself on my laptop. Needless to say, without my knowing, Johnny turned on my laptop and went through my skype history, finding the conversation from the night prior wherein I had ranted to my best friend about how I was angry that Johnny had fallen asleep on me and how lately I felt like he wasn’t listening to anything that I told him, because he was at “that age” (sixteen) where rules don’t exist. I came back out into the waiting room to find Johann playing chess on my laptop, and scolded him for playing with my laptop when I told him no. We left the waiting room, and the moment we were out of anyone’s earshot, Johnny took over again. And he wasn’t any less grumpy than he had been when his allergies had been acting up, though the medicine had obviously kicked in...

[ Continued ]