Now, I've explained Johann's DID system...it's about time I explain my BPD situation.

See, I don't have split-personalities, I have alter-egos. This means that I control who I am and when. It also means that my subconscious did not create them, but rather than I myself created them, forcing myself to ACT the way I felt I ought to while playing it off in my mind as becoming someone else. A coping mechanism for trauma in my early to mid childhood.

Main Branch:

Name: Francoisevalerie Occurian
Nickname: Francoise, France
Gender: Female
Age: 34
Created: 1991 (birth personality)
Reason: Francoise is the person that was born into this body, aka me, only not exactly. Francoise created MK and I in order to have an actual Shawna, rather than her pretending to be someone that she claimed she wasn't, but has remained as Shawna regardless.

Name: Shawna Kara Verenerenos
Nickname: MK
Gender: Female
Age: 7 (re: 19)
Created: 2002
-Mental me, she is the mental manifestation of me in the system in my head. The only difference is that she also has her own thought process that does not always agree with my own.

Name: Dûnisûn Illaseran
Nickname: Dunisun
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Created: 2004
Reason: Personality of depression, and deep thought, but also the first to run at the first sign of danger. Paranoid and easily goes into panic attacks. Keeps a diary of all the bull**** in his life, but tends to go into mental breakdowns whenever he rereads them.

Name: Arielena Eresientl
Nickname: Ari
Gender: Female
Age: 25 (deceased now)
Created: 2002
Reason: The b**** of the system and the backbone of this body, Ari was created because I was a wimp as a child and needed someone to stand up for me. The best singer and actor, the only reason I never had stage-fright as a child. Was the only reason Johann's alter HIM grew accustomed to coming out into possession, because of her influence.

Name: Seymour Andrew Clearly
Gender: Male
Age: 19
Created: 2010
Reason: The writing muse who takes over whenever I have to write something and can't stay focused. Sometimes he is here and sometimes he isn't, I can't explain it.

Name: Charity Rose Clearly
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Created: 2010
Reason: Seymour's sister, the girly-girl half of me because the majority of my personality is tomboyish. She seems to have disappeared.

All info has been moved to: http://www.icantgoonwithoutyou.webs.com for easier access.

Just in case anyone wants to know who I'm referring to, but I'm also putting them here to keep track of them.

http://oi55.tinypic.com/23sewps.jpg
(Chibi and Kiddo)

http://oi52.tinypic.com/ebbplk.jpg
(Me and Johnny)

http://oi56.tinypic.com/mrvjaw.jpg
(Johann and Johnny)

http://oi51.tinypic.com/2qcjoe9.jpg
(Johann, Johnny, and Me)

http://oi53.tinypic.com/35i2h45.jpg
(Johnny, Me, and Johann)

http://oi53.tinypic.com/2im4y0o.jpg
(Johnny, Me, and Johann)

http://oi51.tinypic.com/11wghmw.jpg
(Names are on the pic. By my best friend, Nik. <3)

http://oi51.tinypic.com/288z61c.jpg
(Chibi and Kiddo, by my best friend, Nik. <3)

It's not like I can keep an online journal of what goes on in my life with Johann anywhere other than here considering were anyone else I know to come across it, we'd both be labeled insane.

I see a therapist, I have my own issues. Sure Johann hates therapists because they messed up his childhood, but I've been seeing them for so long that I don't know how to say 'No, mom, I don't need to see them anymore, I'm not as crazy as you think I am'. Yes, I have anxiety, to the point that I have agoraphobia and sometimes I have panic attacks - had one the other day at work. Yes, I suffer from depression, it's hereditary, Mom. Yes, I suffer from ADD or ADHD or whatever the hell those crackhead quacks are calling it, I'm calling it 'selective attention span'. Yes, I have a slight personality disorder wherein I created my own alter-egos when I was eleven because a friend of mine told me it would help me cope with life. I'm crazy - but who the hell wants to be normal?

Moving on.

Today I got home from work to find out that Johann called me twice while I was at work, even though he KNEW I was going to be there from 1:30-7:30. I don't know if I call that I told one alter that, but it wasn't HIM, or if his memory is being screwy again.

Then he has the nerve to call me later tonight while he's at Charlie's house with Evan. Dude, I love you and all, but don't call me while you're with your friends...that's disrespectful to me because I don't have your full attention, and it's disrespectful to your friends because you didn't go to hang out with them so you could call your girlfriend. I'm not freaking out thinking that you're cheating on me just because I haven't spoken to you all day, honey.

Speaking of the guys...I've always wondered what Evan would think if he knew his best friend has DID. Evan himself has Aspergers, and he's a lot like an overgrown child himself. As such, any one of Johann's alters can speak directly to Evan without Evan having even noticed that he's switched because there's something every single one of them can relate to Evan with on some note. For Chibi it's childish innocence, cute things, and older video games. For Kiddo it's pranks and sexual jokes. For Johnny it's more recent video games and teasing fights. And for HIM it's anime and everything else you could ever want from a best friend.

I've got a best friend like that, her name is Nik. Nik knows about Johann having DID and is completely okay with it because she knows about me and my alter-egos. In fact, Nik is an artist who helps us by drawing the other personalities in Johann's head because the physical world (and I myself) will never get to see the other three for who they are when they look in the mirror.

I think my second blog will just be all the pictures people have done for us. c:

~MK out for now.