8:00am, my brother wakes me up. I've been sleeping, curled up on the sofa again. I was scared that if I went to sleep in my bed Spiders would crawl into my mouth. I want to vacuum the bed, but I find it hard carrying the vacuum cleaner upstairs due to the fact that my spacial awareness isn't very good.

8:45am, I think I've lost my keys. So, I have a moment running around like a headless chicken panicking about my keys. Then I see that I'm still wearing them around my neck.

9:30am, I'm sat in the housing office with my brother and a member of staff. I'm suddenly overcome with shyness and start mumbling when I have to speak to the woman. My brother took the keys to the flat because he knew I'd lose them.

11:00am, I managed to pick up yesterday's newspaper from the shop and gave it to my grandparents, despite the fact that they already had a copy of it.

11:45am, I struggle to use a knife and fork when cutting up my fish fingers. But I refuse to give in and manage to cut the food myself.

2:30pm, Someone sets off a firework too close to me for comfort. The loud noise frightens me and I find myself doing breathing exercises to prevent a panic attack from emerging.

3:00pm, I am sat waiting for my turn in the job centre. Sitting still is hard. I found myself tapping my other hand because of my inability to sit still for so long.

4:00pm, I'm sat at the computer biting the skin off of my thumbs without noticing while listening to music.

9:00pm, I find myself biting the skin off of my thumbs while watching TV because I need to keep my hands busy.

0:00pm, I know I should be going to bed and I'm really tired. But I procrastinate about sleep.

The situation me and my brother are in is highly stressful. And though I fear change, recently it has been shoved down me and my older brother's throats. From being told I have to give away two of my pets to being forced to move out to the only place that will have us. A flat in the area where old people live.

And through these past days these thoughts have been circling through my mind.

She's taken you're father.
She hates you and your brother.
She said she didn't want negatives in her life.
And she was implying that you and your brother are negatives.
Your dad is too in love to see that she's manipulating him like a puppet on a string.
It's too late... You've lost him now.
Your grandparents are ill.
Grandad has cancer.
Grandma needs carers and is on more medication than ever.
They haven't got much longer left now.
So, what is there to live for?
You're unemployed.
Your dad's found true love in a woman who hates you.
Your grandparents are sick.
It could be so much easier to end this all.
So many ways to do it.
But wait. You have a boyfriend who loves you.
But you're life is bloody miserable.
And he lives so far away.
Maybe you should cut yourself.
Make the hurt go away.
But you promised him you'd try to give up.
You want to make him proud.
So just close your eyes and hope that you don't wake up.
Simple.
No... That's not right.
What if it can get better?
What if it can't?

Then after all of these thoughts flooded my mind, I heard a little voice. Telepathic communication. It was a sound that I really needed to hear.

Sam: Snap out of it! Yeesh... It's like you're mind is a bomb that's about to go off. Look, life is bad... But I don't want to lose the only girl I can talk to.
Me: Say what?
Sam: Oh... That came out wrong. Just forget it.
Me: Sam... You shouldn't hide things from me. I can't hide anything from you. You're always listening in.
Sam: That's because I give a damn! Okay... Girls don't like me. I'm kinda awkward around them. Well... Not just girls... Everyone. And you're the only person I'm okay with.
Me: Huh... I kinda have the same problem, but not as severe...
Sam: You have way more problems than being socially awkward!
Me: Hey!
Sam: What? Can't a kid be honest? Look stuff happens that people can't control. It's called life. And plus, my warning has yet to come true. I don't want you giving up on the easy part.
Me: What do you mean 'easy part'!?!
Sam: You'll see... Later!

So yeah... Sam's the only one calming me down when I go into full thought stress out/danger mode. And to think I used to hate having his voice in my head. He's a good kid. I hope he overcomes his social awkwardness though. But yeah, my emotions are unstable right now. And telepathic communication with Sam, encouragement from my boyfriend and the mental shifts into the mindset of an arctic wolf are currently the only things preventing me from doing something I'll regret.

It's odd to explain being a therian to someone who isn't one. Different types of therians have different explanations for being part animal. I am a logical therian. The human mind is amazing isn't it. When people bring hurt, pain and rejection into our lives, our brains can create coping mechanisms that can get us through these tough times. And my brain did exactly just that.

It gave me the feeling that I am one with the arctic wolf. My heart beats with every phantom tail wag or twitch of the ear. And when I'm stressed and can control it and mentally go into the mindset of a wolf for a short time frame. It relieves the stress. It sets me free. It feels so right. The only negative side is that it leaves me feeling tired afterwards.

I learned how to call my pack. Despite it only being the dog.She came to my howl and we play fight with each other. Sometimes when I feel like cutting, I control myself and make myself go into this mindset. It's a safer way to let it all out. And it feels so good. But other times I don't control it. It just happens for a moment or two. Completely harmless and I'm okay.

I have the heart of an arctic wolf. I'm not afraid of humans. I like to observe them from a distance. I like to walk outside and feel free. A stroll through the woods nice. But I can't wait for the first snow fall this year.

This is me.
I'm not scary.
I'm not a werewolf.
I'm just human,
whose brain helped,
me cope.

It's strange is this world. Things change, rearrange, come to an end, begin a new, personal battles, wars, fighting... And I watch knowing my life is merely a spec in the entire human existence. We as humans have bred all over the world, overpopulating it, taken over it, destroyed parts of it and tried to repair the damage when the world started to crumble.

And yet... There are other things in life that push that knowledge aside. Is it selfish for human emotions to blot out other things in the world? Who knows. All I know is I have emotions. In the past, they have deserted me, leaving me to feel as though I am a shadow observing everything in my surroundings. But now, my emotions have more ups and downs than a roller-coaster. I can be happy about something and the tiniest of things can make it all change.

I am definitely present in this world. Though when I become a shadow, it can feel as though I am not. The world seems to spin far too fast for my liking as my every day life is moving faster than ever. From being a child living with her older brother and single father to living with my older brother while the house is up for sale and my dad enjoying the luxury of finding someone he loves.

It's a strange world we live in...

The other night I was walking home in the dark. I was scared and every little noise made me jump slightly. But then I heard Sam's voice and we talked telepathically to one another. And what he had to say, scared me. Our conversation went like this.

Sam: Oh don't tell me your scared of the dark!
Me: Shut it! And no I'm not, I'm scared of the people who come out when it's dark.
Sam: No one is going to hurt you out here. It's people on the inside that will.
Me: What are you talking about?
Sam: Well, in my world there's more that just me. And yes, more than one person can talk telepathically with you. Not all of us are nice, you know.
Me: Why didn't you tell me this sooner?
Sam: You wasn't emotionally strong enough.
Me: Well, when will they talk?
Sam: I don't know the date. I just know that your boyfriend will be there to see it. He'll see you obey their commands because they will only talk louder if you ignore them. He will see you beg him to phone for an ambulance because your not safe. He'll have to pry what your using to harm yourself out of your hands because you won't quit. And then they will lock you away under the mental health act because they don't understand that multiple universes do exist and one universe can contact you.
Me: No, it's not true. It can't be true.
Sam: I'm sorry... But I don't tell lies. I wasn't going to tell you. But I thought it was wrong to keep quiet. I hope we can still be friends because I did warn you.

I don't know what do do. He warned me. Sam warned me. What if it comes true? I don't want to be on some psychiatric ward. I don't want to be put on medication for a mental illness I don't have. And if my boyfriend sees me like that, I know he'll be crushed. Hurting myself hurts him. It's why I'd never do it in front of him. And what if they take me away? My boyfriend promised me he wouldn't let them. He'd be fighting my battles for me. A battle I don't think he'd be able to win. I just hope Sam was lying to me. I really do.