It looks like this is the only way to post on the blog atm. Your positivity radiates all the way to Australia ... I had to lower my anti-depressants while I was having pleasant events as I was becoming manic. When I started having upsetting events I upped my seroquel and my anti-depressants. I know what you mean about appetite - I'm a little piggy atm! It is ending contact with my ex which has hurt me the most. He was quite aggressive which I wasn't expecting - as if me leaving a love triangle when he chose the other woman that I didn't know about was somehow unjustified. I was surprised with his level of anger but I held my own with him. I was silly though I responded to an email he sent me and expected a reply which didn't come, so now my BPD is activated. Grrr... I made the right decision... Once I get through this time of grief, I will be free to enjoy just my own problems, not be devastated by his issues. Sorry for being so negative LW

Hey LW! Puts a smile on my face that you find my words helpful And FYI- your words back to me give me more sunshine than you probably realize! Glad you're here on the site!!

Oh, events causing dips into depression REALLY resonates with me. I too seem to fall victim to distressing events causing me to plummet (well, rather me allowing myself to plummet!) And relationship ups and downs DEFINITELY make me feel nuts and like I have NO control over my emotions. Are you upping your meds at the advice of your pdoc? I, too, tweak my meds when I know I'm rolling into stressful triggering events. I just limit myself to minor increases until I get to the doc to let her know what I'm doing and ask her to advise as to whether I should further increase dosages. Try to hang in there. The decision to drop contact with an ex is a very brave one, and you're actually showing a great amount of strength in deciding to do so! Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is healthy to remove certain people from my life if I'm allowing them to negatively impact me. It's such a hard thing to do. But we have to look out for ourselves and keep US safe and happy. If he is angry with your decision, then that is for him to deal with. As long as you know that your decision was made in the interest of keeping yourself level, then try not to let whether or not he is angry influence you to re-engage with him. We ALL deserve happiness... and you DEFINITELY do not deserve to be stuck in a love triangle where someone is not giving you their full attention. I am 100% behind you and your decision!!!! As for your appetite... prob the Seroquel doing that. But, you know what... if the increased meds help, then a little "piggy time" won't hurt

No worries about negativity, LW... life has its ups and downs and you're entitled to voice your feelings when down... that's what the site is for!!

Hope the weekend starts looking up for you... will be thinking about you!!

Big Hug,
Koshka

I have told him that I am disappointed that he didn't take the break up more gracefully. I reminded him that I had made it clear that if he were to choose the other woman that there would be no further contact between us. And he has the gall to kick off when the consequences of his decisions hit home? Does he have no regard for how much he hurt me and how he had no right to treat me like that? Does he not understand how humiliating it would be for me to stay in contact? Does he not understand how much I love him and how hard it is for me to walk away? He created this situation and I have had to manage it the best I can. Even if he changed his mind today and chose me, I would still need to walk away. He doesn't have the character and values I need in a partner; our connection doesn't have the foundation I need in a relationship. I have never had such an emotionally intimate relationship before in my life and the pain of walk away is probably more intense than the humiliation of staying. But in walking away I get my future back; I have no future if I stay. I know all this sounds a bit hyperbolic and it probably is. Such is the nature of breakups when we feel we really connected with someone and it doesn't work out. I've got to revise my dreams for the future in the context of my new reality. I have a long way ahead before I heal and let go; but I will look at acceptance, forgiveness, letting go with gratitude; and creating a new future vision each day.
As for meds, I know enough to know what I don't know. I tell my doctor what I am doing with the meds I've been on for 15 years and look for her daily guidance with any new medication and how to manage the relationship between the new medication and the old medication. Sometimes the old medication needs to be adjusted in response to the new meds. I'm on 5 different meds so yes, I do appreciate her very regular guidance during such times. Over times where I won't see her she will tell me the range in which to adjust and I strictly adhere to the parameters she sets
My boy goes on his camp today for a week. We have had a quiet time together but have enjoyed each others company none the less.
Promise to get briefer with my comments/posts... the verbal diarrohea has a hold of me. I'd refer to it as VD but that would convey the wrong message

OMG... I just fell over laughing at your last remark!!! Hilarious.... and GREAT sense of humor!!!! (yours is apparently as warped as mine...lol)

OH I AM SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!! Yes, your questions are DEAD ON! Doing what we NEED to do for ourselves is harder than the easier path of submitting to being walked all over. Standing up for oneself is NEVER easy. I just want to jump up and down clapping for you that you're taking a stand! I just had to do the same thing (too long a story to go into, but I'll nutshell it for you). I reconnected with a boyfriend from when I was 19. He's in the Army and was over in Iraq. We went head-long into getting back together, made plans to move in together upon his return, and basically decided to give it all a second go. Then he returned, PTSD kicked in, he totally lost it and retreated to his son and dropped contact with me to "find himself." Basically the whole thing imploded. During the implosion I had my diagnosis and my own major crash.... Cyclothymic AND lost the love of my life.... yay me. During my rebuilding (or picking up the shattered pieces, more accurately) and on the meds with new clarity, I came to some decisions. I am NOT implusive and am insanely independent, so this living with a man and dreaminess of love is WAY out of character for me... yet I still dove in. What I came out of it realizing was that he IS my first true love. That being said, if he is in a place that he cannot be ok with himself, I can still have him be the first love of my life, but not be with him. So it took me weeks and weeks of intense thoughts and emotion to put it all into perspective... I MUST GO ON. I met up with him 2 weeks ago and told him it was ok that he was messed up, that I did love him, but would not put my life on hold to "wait" for him to decide his feelings. Think I got through to him. Now, this is probably the MOST ADULT and responsible thing I have EVER done for myself (I'm a complete MORON when it comes to men... I am book smart, and men-dumb!). So when I hear you starting to stand up for YOURSELF, it just brings tears to my eyes... because I know EXACTLY how hard it is to do for the very first time.

And one thing I did, like you mentioned... I revised my vision of the future. I tried to modify it so that my vision of the future was about ME... my direction. I decided that I have spent a lifetime wrought over not becoming exactly what I envisioned, and that was a HUGE mistake. What I can realistically visualize is my DIRECTION, and life will take me down that path with twists and turns, so as long as I am happy with my direction, then the little bumps need not derail me as they used to. As far as men (and my first love, in particular), I told him that I'd resolved who I am, and my direction and am happy with that... it would be wonderful if he would share in that with me, but I will not sacrifice my own life simply to have him in it (if words had an audible sound effect, you'd have heard the "thunk" as the words hit his head...lol). So, maybe your vision should be more about YOU and if any man chooses to join you in your self-satisfaction and journey, then all the better... if not, you are fine as you are, my dear!!!!

Ah, understand the meds. My pdoc is the same... she gives me parameters and I self-adjust based upon my body's reaction to dosages and her guidance. Good to know. Some can do that, others kind of adjust based upon whims, so I was hoping that you weren't doing the adjusting on your own.

So so glad you've had some quality time with your son! I so envy those that have children (I have not been blessed with any). And at the same time I admire how strong you are to be dealing with your condition and at the same time tried to be a good parent. My goodness, it's hard enough for me to deal with my emotions alone... can't imagine if I had to keep myself under control enough to raise a child. YOU ARE AMAZINGLY STRONG!!!!!

Well, talk about mouth running off... yeah, I type like I talk... non-stop. Do enjoy our conversations though, so no apologies! And you can post msgs as verbose as you wish... I love reading them!!!!

Have a great Sunday
-K

(For those youngens - STI's were referred to as VD in the olden days, the era that koskha and I hail from ) So Miss K where is your Sunday post on your blog? I went straight there to see what you've been up to... and quiet as a church mouse you were! :O

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I so related to it. The love of my life has PTSD too and retreats. He does see a psychiatrist but I've got to leave him to his own journey at his own pace. While I believe that his decisions have been based on cognitive distortions, I still respect and accept his decisions as much as I may not like them or agree with them.

"he IS my first true love. That being said, if he is in a place that he cannot be ok with himself, I can still have him be the first love of my life, but not be with him". That is so true and you are a brave woman to be able to face that reality as well. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for the courage of your own journey!

"told him it was ok that he was messed up, that I did love him, but would not put my life on hold to "wait" for him to decide his feelings. Think I got through to him. Now, this is probably the MOST ADULT and responsible thing I have EVER done for myself (I'm a complete MORON when it comes to men... I am book smart, and men-dumb!). So when I hear you starting to stand up for YOURSELF, it just brings tears to my eyes... because I know EXACTLY how hard it is to do for the very first time." You managed it a lot more maturely than I did. I merely told him I wasn't going to be treated like a cheap whore anymore, probably why he got angry. My tone and content wasn't great, even though my decision was sound.

"I revised my vision of the future. I tried to modify it so that my vision of the future was about ME... my direction. I decided that I have spent a lifetime wrought over not becoming exactly what I envisioned" I'm madly trying to do this with my illness too. My 40th birthday is coming up and spending it all alone will make me feel like my life has been a complete waste and that I am a complete failure. I'm working on trying to see that my life has been a little bit of a waste and that I'm only a little bit of a failure. I am trying to concentrate on that I have survived an illness unmanaged for 36 years and I got to 40 despite often active suicidal ideation since I was 4yrs old. I've even done a few good things in my life despite my illness.

Yes, children are a double edged sword for the chronically unwell. Parenting well is hard enough and it can feel like torture when we are sick. That said, people often comment that I am a better parent despite my sickness than many parents are well, and that my son is a credit to me. It is not all smooth sailing and sometimes I feel like a total failure as a mother. My son (who is now a teenager) assures me that living with a mentally ill parent was not always easy, but he has always felt loved, with strong guidance, support and protection. And that has been my goal as a parent.

I really appreciate you sharing some of your own vulnerabilities Koshka. I've appreciated getting a window into other parts of that strong, intelligent, capable woman that you are. It has also helped me manage issues on my own journey.

Have a great week with the fam

Ok, LW, finally have some sit-down time to get back to you on this post... mom's still sleeping and I'm enjoying some quiet time with a cup of coffee.

So your love has PTSD as well? I'm really sorry to hear that. It's such an aggravating thing to have a loved one have. As we both know, when it comes to mental health issues, there's only so much loved ones can do... we can support, but not fix. So knowing that we can't "make it go away" is so hard to accept. But I think individuals like you and I having to deal with our own issues are probably a lot better equipped to handle something like that, as we DO understand that the "fixing" (or "managing") has to come from within the individual... those who do not have our experience with "issues" find it harder to understand and accept something like this. So what's the story with his PTSD? Trauma? War? (Mine came back from Iraq... he has already gotten through the trauma of killing others from another deployment... this time it is the collapse of him not knowing who he is outside of his Army personna, so he's trying to re-establish his civlian identity).

You know something... I REALLY appreciate the compliments you gave me... but I don't want you comparing how I'm handling my situation with how you're handling yours. Each of our situations is unique, and while I may appear to be the rock of Gibraltar in my situation, you should really pat YOURSELF on the back as well. YOU have taken major steps forward, whether you're willing to give yourself credit or not!! The fact that you spoke up for yourself, using your own words that best suited your own situation, is FABULOUS!!! And just because you used different words than I did, does NOT mean you weren't mature about it... you just used different words for your different situation. (Remember... you were dealing with a love triangle... heck, that's a lot more emotionally charged than what I am dealing with). So don't get down on yourself... BE PROUD OF YOURSELF... I am proud of you!!!

Oh, my... I can SOOOOOOOO relate to the thoughts of "why the hell did I live THIS LONG with my condition unmanaged????" As soon as the meds got fully into my system and the brain chem's balanced out enough for me to step back and take a look more clearly at things, while I was happy that I'd finally found balance, the next thought was sadness about all of the needlessly miserable years that led upto now. What helped me was this. I used to reach out endlessly for others to say comforting things to me... to put "bandaids" on my wounds to make me feel better. This time I decided to not reach out... to allow myself to feel all the sadness and anger and ugliness... and to process it fully and come out on the other side. No one can give me back all the years I lost. So me having others tell me all these wonderful things like "it's ok, how were you supposed to know you were sick" to try to smooth over all the guilt I had for all the stupid things I'd done over the years and self-medicated (alcohol) stupidity would do NOTHING but be a temporary bandaid. This time I let myself feel ALL of the ugliness. I had to. Having the meds in me allowed me to have an end-point to the ugly feelings. Before I would have spent about a month (or more) in a pit of despair about all of it and wallowed in all the ugliness. This time, I think the meds brought about a feeling of "ok, I've felt all this ugliness, now what am I going to do now?" So I decided that there was NOTHING I could do to erase the past, so the best I could do was focus on THIS: I might have lost 42 years to this condition being untreated, and, yes, my life could have been SOOOO different if my brain chemicals would have been adjusted earlier -BUT- -BUT- I am ONLY 42... I could live to be 80 (or get run over by a truck tomorrow, lol... warped humor there) so should I live ANOTHER 42 years focused on the 42 I lost? NO NO NO. Finding balance was a gift. Life is full of choices. Happiness is also a choice. If I want to live another 42 years happy and fulfilled, then I must CHOOSE TO DO SO. And that choice begins with choosing to do so TODAY. If I sit and focus on all that I do not have, all the years lost, all of the stupidity I've engaged in, the fact that my love loved me for 22 years and now can't decide if he actually does love me... I will be MISERABLE. Screw that. I MUST CHOOSE TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY THAN I DID WHILE SICK AND I CHOOSE TO TRY TO BE HAPPY. I will focus on what I have NOW, my good points NOW, my balanced behavior NOW, and go from this point forward. If I look back and wallow in all the negativity I will destroy my own potential happiness, and I have resigned myself to NOT DO THAT anymore!!!

So there's my novel about how I processed my own feelings...lol

And FYI- YOU'RE NOT OLD!!! (Hell, used to think anyone over 30 was old, but as you age, you keep revising your definition of "old" LOL!)

Listen, although you may feel you have so many shortcomings as a parent, and probably feel as though you have made horrible choices and mistakes, your son is RIGHT... you gave him the fundamental needs of love, guidance, support and protection... so you have NOT failed. Not only that, but having had to live with your illness has educated him in a way that not all are... he knows that mental illness is not just something you read about in books; that mental illness doesn't mean you're 'crazy', but you're sick; and that it IS possible to give and receive love and have a positive relationship with someone dealing with a condition. Again, LW, pat yourself on the back. There may be a lot of lemons in the bowl of your life, but grab a couple of them and make some sweet lemonade!!!

Not trying to blow a bunch of sunshine up your butt... but I think we're all harder on ourselves than we need to be. Sometimes hearing things from another's outside perspective makes us pause and say "hmmm... maybe they're right" and be a little less hard on ourselves. I do the same as you, so I DO understand. Just wanted to point out some of the positives I see incase you're not able to see the good things that I do. You're not all bad or as bad as you think!!!!

Ok, this post is officially a bible. LMAO.... VD at its best!!!

Well, you have a great day today, and I will be checking back to see if you've given yourself that pat on the back.... better do it! Or I'll hafta clobber you (smiling tho, so it'll be a "clobbering with love" LOL!)

Hugs!
K

Thanks for your thoughtful message Koshka. Okay, I take from it, you want me to give myself a pat on the back. (Okay, I've haven't let extreme mental illness take me out - that takes guts... and I've even achieved some good things along the way). I laughed at "not trying to blow a bunch of sunshine up my butt"... and I thought the sun shone out it! haha. I especially like what you said about my son has learnt that it is possible "to give and receive love and have a positive relationship with someone dealing with a condition". It does stand him in good stead to deal with the realities of life rather than the much-sought-after-rarely-attained fantasies of life. Now that I'm having to rebuild from a total breakdown, I am very focussed on my values and what I am realistically capable of, and can maintain despite any mood fluctuations. I see establishing and maintaining those few things as the my way of making lemonade, and making sure that I don't beat myself up that I can't quite make 250ml of lemonade a day - rather just focus on and be grateful for whatever amount of lemonade I can make. I'm glad you have found the way to level out your chemicals so that you can be safe enough to experience emotions in real time and whatever intensity. They say you cannot heal what you cannot feel, so going into those emotions does have merit (when you know you can now come out the other side). Bandaids can still be important for boxes we know we need to keep closed because after 4 decades of mental illness, we have probably a little bit more grief than the average person and there is no purpose to opening every wound simultaneously. I DO very much take your point about being able to experience the emotion without becoming stuck in it. You're post has a lot of strength and personal empowerment to it. You are very much in the drivers seat of your life and make sure that chronic illness is a well behaved passenger. (My passenger is kicking off a bit atm, but I will sort it out). Pain is pain, no matter the circumstances and we both reached out limit in both of our connections. It's not because we didn't love them enough but because at the end of the day, we are responsible for protecting our own health and wellbeing first and foremost. I don't see your pain as any less significant. I don't quite understand the history of his PTSD. He apparently grew up in quite a normal family and married a woman who apparently had BPD. Even though I do accept his marriage was abusive, I felt that it was important to point out to him that his behaviours would have triggered anyone susceptible to BPD as well. He was very determined to stay in the victim mode and continue to make important life decisions based on quite severe cognitive distortions. His PTSD was real though, it was just his lack of courage to move through it and heal proved frustrating for someone like me who is moreso confrontational than avoidant. That's how I conceptualise the issues at least. I must admit though from my perspective of a childhood of being repeatedly sexually and physically assaulted, I did feel that PTSD from someone saying a few nasty words to him in adulthood after a safe and loving childhood, a bit odd... something didn't fit. I know I shouldn't compare BUT, in comparison, combat trauma is incredibly understandable... the horror of killing, the fragility of your own life, the loss of your mates who you build such strong bonds with. War is unbelievably horrific and I am so grateful never to have experienced it. I'm sorry you essentially lost the love of your life through those experiences. Anyway, it does seem you are making good use of your study break by relaxing, shopping and connecting with your mum. I sense you might go back to your studies with renewed vigor?

Hey LW!! Glad to hear from you again
So you did give yourself a small pat on the back... that's a start! I totally stink at metrics (us dang Americans!) but I am assuming 250 ml of lemonade is a lot. So start with 10 ml (a little bit... lol) and go from there.

I think your son has an INCREDIBLE advantage in seeing some of the "darker" sides of real life. Too often I see kids nowadays growing up being sheltered from anything "bad" and they go off into the world to go to college and seem to not know how to handle real life when it happens to them (it actually happened to me like that... going out into the world naive is NOT a good thing).

You're right about the bandaids too... never thought of it like that... that they help keep some of those boxes closed. Good point. I guess we each should do what we need to do to keep things under control. LOVED your remark about "cannot heal what you do not feel." SO true. I think that was the difference between this emotional collapse of mine and the previous one. This time the combo of meds and my own "realizations" allowed me to feel the feelings (as ugly as they were) and hit that low (sometimes with an audible "splat!") but then pull out of it. I used to wallow in the despair of it all and I think that's why I never made any progress or resolved the true issues. So I used to actually FEAR the feelings themselves because I knew I'd spiral into that pit, so I would reach out to others when the feelings would start in hopes they could stop the feelings. Finally I realized it was actually ok to have the feelings (ugly as they were) and let it all hurt.

I'm really sorry about your love's PTSD. You know, I thought about it a bit. You mentioned that you weren't quite sure how someone could have PTSD from mere words as opposed to concrete traumatic events like sexual abuse (which I'm so sorry you went through). Though I'm not a pdoc, I think words can inflict major damage on one's psyche... especially if those negative and hurtful words are repeated over and over and over across a number of years. I was never physically abused, but my father was EXTREMELY verbally controlling and abusive and then I subconsciously sought out a husband who was the same (didn't know it until a couple of years into the marriage). With people in my life telling me over and over that I was overemotional, melodramatic, self-centered, etc etc etc, I began to believe it all and felt like a piece of narcissistic crap who needed to get over herself. Needless to say, my self esteem was below sea level at all times. So if he was traumatized by severely critical words over a period of time, especially from a person with BPD who tends to have skill in disconnecting when emotionally striking back and not really, at times, grasping how deeply their words hurt, he may indeed have PTSD from it. Now, no matter our "condition", we do not have license to randomly behave badly and insensitively to others. PTSD was not a valid excuse for him to treat you like crap... no way. So how you handled it... taking a stand for yourself, is VERY admirable and a very positive step for yourself.

Funny that you mentioned a driver's seat analogy... boy, yesterday I was in that driver's seat and swerving all over the place (I'll tell the story in my blog so you don't have a 10-page read here on your blog...lol). But yeah, I suppose I'm heading back to school a lot more "in balance" than last semester. By no means 100% perfect, but a HELL of a lot less distracted and crazy-brained strung out than I was last semester for SURE!!

Well, the week's half over! Hope you're having a good day today... thinking of you!!


-K