This forum was a life saver. The support I got at my lowest ebb pulled me through one of my darkest time. I can get more out of posting with people I don't know, than I can making small talk and pretending to be well with people in "real life". I struggle to feel safe around people in real life. I struggle to stay focussed when I am interacting with them. I am so lonely and lost for an outlet for safe-feeling connection that I could honestly risk having my days consumed by relating with people here who "get it". I also really like to help people. I don't know if I actually succeed in that respect, but I love to at least try. I'm going to start drawing up my values and goals and creating some structure in my life while I am hypomanic, with full acceptance that I won't be able to continue when I am depressed. Hopefully this low dose of Seroquel may be able to provide some level of mood stabilisation and I get to enjoy the very elusive "normal mood". I am so self-focussed atm, I can't stand it! I know it is important that I tend to my illnesses but I do dream of a time that my illnesses don't consume every fibre of my being to manage, (and still not stabilise). Living with illness can open us up to being very compassionate beings but I know I also run the risk of also being very self-focussed.
I see that in my friend of 20 odd years. I have always been her support despite me being sicker than her in many ways. Recently I set new parameters of requesting her to acknowledge my struggles, make room for my feelings and needs in the friendship and reciprocity in the friendship. She's really struggling with the new paradigm. Hopefully by balancing my boundaries in "real life", there is more chance of my needs being met "in real life".
I still need to be more self-sufficient though and not rely on others to help me through. I've got to re-set that structure for balanced eating, balanced exercise, meditation, balanced sleep and attending to physical health. Having a routine around it means I don't have to think it everyday and that energy can be taken up with less self-focussed activity.