As a caretaker for my Mom
all of my life with chronic illness myself,
I found this doctor Gabor Mate
through a FB posting on a friend's timeline.
If you are wondering why you are ill -- and not just a caretaker even if you struggle with illness
the emotional part of life is so important to us

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6IL8WVyMMs

Why does my Mom think everyone is related? She thinks the neighbor she doesn't like is related to the landlord she doesn't care for. Yesterday a social worker came and she told me how she is sleeping with the landlord at the bar. What can I say to this ?
I say nothing I go "Yeah I know" and I go to an activity to get me away from her.
It makes me sad because I think about how lonely she is and this running away I does not go unnoticed she has complained to me about it.

I want to believe when we die and go to heaven our slate will be wiped clean and she will forget all these things I have done that have made her feel bad.

I need to be free of this situation I need to let her go. I cannot fix her.
All my helping her will not allow the Mom I used to know to return.
That lady is a mixture of memories form different stages in her life and that is not now.

Not sure how moving my Mom into her apartment would make less work for me. I feel she will be calling me all the time telling me she is afraid of something new. She wants to be outside of the city in the more country and yet that means a 20-30 min drive one way for me.

The hardest part when your parent is delusional you start not to believe anything they say. When she goes into the nursing home I will be constantly worried people are not being good to her or hurting her. Of course she will say they are all doing something.
How will I know when she is crying wolf?
Last night someone hit the fire alarm for the entire building and I thought OMG
how would i get her out if this was real?

Was listening to a podcast of a show called After Dark and there was a delusional woman who called in talking about electronic torture. My God it was sad. Hearing how afraid she was really broke my heart. Any one of us could believe these things in our own personal way. But when the sense of fear is overwhelming it makes you wonder how much the human mind and spirit can take. Lately I have been afraid of getting like my Mom --all the fear stuff on the news about genetics really haven't changed how things work they just make us all more afraid.

On an uplifting note a radio show I love called To The Best of Our Knowledge had a really good show on meditation and a program down with prisoners in an Alabama prison. Here is the post to the documentary which was really good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46fycKJWSKE
If stories about childhood trauma are something you wish not to listen to give it a skip. However it was really an awesome piece about the freedom of meditation in your own mind.

When my Mom was younger she loved to meditate but never got much of a chance to do it but on rare occasions-- was always working herself to death.

I discovered a book by accident in the wonderful Avol's Bookstore in Madison Wi yesterday.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13544933-suspicious-minds

One doctor brother and his other non doctor brother wrote this book about Truman Show Disorder. I had never heard this before however if you google it wow you get a lot. I am not passing judgement on the book until I give it a read. I started it yesterday.

Meanwhile a lot has been happening with my Mom she agreed to go into her own subsidized apartment but now I have to put her on a waiting list. While that is going on she is getting more unwell which to me signals she could not be on her own very much actually. So its a catch 22.We signed her up for some senior care program and so far they were here to do paperwork but nothing else ... not sure why we signed up with them. They said it will take them awhile to do a plan in the meantime the nurse was kind enough to share a horror story about another patient who thought the shower was dangerous and refused to bathe anymore.

I have decided to next weekend go to the support group for people whose parents have dementia.
I hope it helps and doesn't make me really more upset.

I found a healer online and I read her blog/listened to her videos and I had a good feeling about her. Wow the read was impressive all she had me do was state my name and she started to talk about me. It was so dead on. She helps folks heal their energy. She communicates with your angel guides. I know not all of you believe in this reading this but my sense has always been that human beings are energy and that are energy can get out of whack. Her prices are really affordable. Also there is some good free information.
My Mother was psychic I was a psychic my grandmother was one etc so I am really used to this stuff.
Its not to everyone's taste I understand but if you read this and you feel you might want to try it then I hope I have helped someone.
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&es_th=1&ie=UTF-8#q=janet+wright+readings+

I do this thing when I am upset about my life i start to google people form the past in droves.
To see how their lives are....of course we all know how this affects our mood. It makes us feel #######5 because even if they had cancer and had lost ten kids in a cyclone they would still post a beautiful image of their last vacation to Hawaii.

Today I am home sick from work and having nightmares about being homeless.
Just really tired...
My Mother went from telling me I should quit my job so I can "rest and find a job that I would be better at" then in the same convo she wants to move to another state... then she wants to move to herown place. HA I am tired