So some how I have manged to get an entire week off from work. I don't know how it happened, but I am not complaining. It is giving me some time to focus my energy on getting my house back in order. Something about having everything in its place and cleaned gives me a huge feeling of comfort, must be something to do with how my mother raised me. I actually enjoy doing house work, I won't even let my wife vacuum the house when she has the time to do it, that and she doesn't do it correctly.

I am trying to get some downtime in there as well, but I don't like to be bored with nothing to do. I have written myself a massive to do list and keep adding more and more things to it. I doubt that I will ever finish it completely.

Still worrying about my birthday in 2 days, but looking forward to it as my wife has planned a very special dinner for me. I used to hate my birthday because I would have to spend the day trying to see both sides of my family, but over the past few years I have just given up on that idea and would rather spend the time with my friends and my wife because they don't make me feel bad for not speaking to them all the time. It is entirely thanks to my wife for turning my birthday around and making me look forward to the day.

Landor

So it's going to be my birthday next wednesday the 16th, I am turning 30 and I feel like it is a bad thing. I know that nothing is going to change for me, unlike it did when I turned 25, that was when the bipolar went right out of control and I bottomed out in my life.

But I can't help but think that something bad is going to happen when I turn 30.

Anyway, I have been working pretty much everyday for the last few weeks just trying to keep myself occupied, because when I am bored and unsettled that is when the depression comes up. Where I just stop doing anything, avoid everybody that I know and just fall back into old patterns, like drinking.

I have been avoiding doing certain things that I know I need to do. I haven't seen my grandmother on my mum's side since Christmas, this is because she is really sick and on her last legs. I can't bring myself to going to see her because I don't want to remember her like that. My mum has been on my case to get over there and I have explained to her why I can't do it.

I haven't seen or spoken to anyone on my dad's side of the family, including my dad since Christmas day either, but that has been a good thing. My dad is an arrogant prick at the best of times and he is the lesser of two evils in that family. The only time I ever get along with them is when I am drinking heavily or when I am on drugs. Guess that shows how messed up that family is. I know that I am expected to see them for my birthday, but I am dreading it. They drive me f##king crazy. I don't even get phone calls from them, I mean how messed up is that!

My mum on the other hand, I speak to her every few weeks, mainly because she calls to make sure that I am still alive and to keep me updated with everything. I have a good relationship with her and my step father, who has been a better father to me than my own dad.

Landor

So everything that I wanted to do today went bad, not matter what. I went to work and was chucked out on to the registers straight away, I kept making mistakes for the whole day. Couldn't figure out basic math either. Later in my shift I had to chase some prick out of the store after he stole 3 bottles of alcohol, when I confronted him, he threatened to smash my head in with one of the bottles. So that was how my day at work ended. I just gave up after that.

I have been hanging out with my friend who has borderline personality disorder but isn't medicated or seeing a psychologist. I have been trying to convince her that she needs to get some external help. I even recommended that she use this site, but who knows if she will do any of that.

Landor

Since I started taking the 150mg of Seroquel in addition to the lithium, I find that I am sleeping a good amount except for the days when I have to start at 6am the next morning., even if I started at 6am that day, I can't sleep without the aid of Valium, but if I take that then I have a massive sleep hangover the next morning where I can't wake up properly and I feel groggy for about 3 hours after waking up.

Struggling with the end of the manic episode, I feel like I want to postpone it so it never ends. I know that this is only because I feel invincible because of the mania. But I lived in the depression for as long as I can remember, why couldn't I love in the mania for a little while longer.

I remember all the times I was depressed when I was younger, it seems to me that I lived in the depression for 20 years and only had brief moments of mania, obviously I see only the bad. I still welcome the depression like an old friend, it has been there for me when everyone else has failed. I am a pessimist at heart and expect that everyone will fail eventually. Not the best way to make friends or hold on to friendships. But I get through it the best that I can.

Well better try and get some sleep.

Landor

So since I have been taking these new meds, I have come out of the depressed state and gone straight into a manic episode. I have been unable to stop moving, my mind races with ideas and thoughts and solutions to every problem, but I can't keep it all straight.

I have been drinking, not to slowly kill myself, but actually enjoyable drinking. My wife knows that during these times I am more willing to be physical, in the good way, with her. I don't feel the urge to have sex with everybody that passes my way anymore. I feel that I have this under control now. Also since it has caused a problem in my marriage before I was diagonosed, I have dedicated my efforts to making this up to my wife.

Work has been more enjoyable yet difficult. The only one who knows that I am Bipolar is the area manager and not the new store manager. I hate having to have that conversation with my manager when I start a new job. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable and I am such a private person when it comes to my illness. I think that is why I can talk about it on here, not only are there many others who suffer from the same illness but I am anonymous. But once I let my work know about it, I feel like they view me differently to everybody else who works there.

I find myself losing bits of time, not huge amounts, just like 5 minutes here or there. I remember that I was on the couch watching tv and then the next I am in the kitchen half way through making myself some lunch. Maybe this is why I constantly tell my wife what I am doing, because if I have said it out loud I would know myself. I do this when she isn't around as well.

On Thursday during the height of my manic episode I started talking to myself, not just talking out loud I was full on taking to myself and talking back as if I was a different person. Like this:
"You should pull out after that blue car. I reckon you can make it."
"I think you might about that."
"I'm always right about this stuff and you know it."
"Yeah I know."

Such a weird conversation to have with yourself, but that is how I realized that I was in a manic state.

Landor