So yesterday I was on the jury of a criminal trial. The defendant had 5 charges against him related to attempting to carjack someone and using a knife to try to do it. The court process was extremely interesting (though sometimes sitting through testimony of several witnesses that repeated and repeated the same information got boring). When we went to deliberate my self-control was really tested. We had only one prosecution witness stating there was a knife involved and the police did not find the knife, so in deciding our verdict on each charge, we had to decide if we believed if a knife was actually involved. Oh MY LORD. Trying to get 12 people to agree unaniously on each charge was sooooooooo aggravating. The wonderful thing about the American justice system is that a jury consists of people from all walks of life. The aggravating thing about the American justice system is that a jury consists of people from all walks of life. Consequently, there were several individuals who did not have much education (not that I was judging them for that, as everyone's life circumstance is different and some are not lucky enough to be in a position to pursue education, but such a difference between individuals can make for a very frustrating and long debate on an issue). The problem arose when the more educated members of the jury tried to logically debate the issue before us and the others seemed to get stuck on the fact that no knife was found. Normally I would have expended a lot of energy trying to vehemently make my case and try to convince others that my conclusion was the logical conclusion (I believed a knife was involved and believed the defendant to be guilty on weapons charges). But after an hour of heated debate in the room, I elected to let the debate rage on without further input from me. Not that I gave up, but rather, I decided that attempting to sway others' opinions was futile, so I pulled back and let the discussion play out while I listened to it. The debate did get pretty heated and lasted for about two hours. Finally the group agreed that we were deadlocked on the weapons issue and that we had no choice but to find the person "not guilty" on charges involving the weapons since we could reach no unanimous decision on those charges. So the trial ended with me pretty frustrated. Afterwards when we were allowed to have our cell phones back I googled the question we were debating and found out that my point was, indeed, correct and we did have enough evidence to convict the individual on the weapons charges (sheesh!!!). But I WAS proud of myself for pulling back and not going into a tizzy like I normally would. All in all it was a really interesting experience and I had a positive personal experience as well (though others in the room were not aware of it). So I suppose I'm making progress.

Today I'm driving up to a family gathering for the afternoon and mom's coming back home with me to spend some time down here with me. So I got up and set about cleaning the house and doing laundry and such so my little pig-sty is clean and presentable for guests (not really a whole lot to do as I'm pretty much a neat freak, so really all I needed to do was tidy up a bit). Will be glad to see mom, but I'll be in "entertain the guest" mode all week... just the way I am... when someone's in "my space" I feel compelled to be the "good hostess" and tirelessly cook and entertain. I hate that I'm like that... it wears me out. Maybe I'll make it a little goal for the week to try not to engage in "entertaining" behaviors and just try to chill out. Don't know if that is actually possible... I feel genetically programmed to engage in certain behaviors and some, like this one, I find virtually impossible to fight. Anyone feel like that? I have suprised myself with the progress I've made on modifying some of my behaviors lately due to the meds and the work I've done with myself, but there's still some things I wonder if they aren't simply "just the way I am."

Anyhow, hope everyone's having a good weekend thus far
-Koshka

Jury service sounds interesting to say the least. Hope you get to chill a bit, take it easy

Cracked

I also have trouble holding back from a debate - I love debating on an intellectual level and like you, I am starting to be more discerning about who I engage in this activity with. If you are anything like me you may also have a strong social justice streak, so it may be extra aggravating for you that the law wasn't applied as it should of / could of because of personal limitations within the jury. The defense do their best to pick a jury on that basis - you must have been asleep, drool out one corner of the mouth, for them to pick you! haha. I also feel genetically programmed to "entertain". It is soooo hard for me to not have a sense of occasion about having a guest. It's not an all bad thing to want to make someone's stay enjoyable; just as long it isn't self-abnegating. Relationships with parents are also much more complex than the average guest, so go easy on yourself, observe the pattern and don't beat yourself up for it. Sustainable changes are made in gradual baby steps.

OMG- YEEEEESSSSSSSS! I TOTALLY have a social justice streak in me and it was completely unnerving to me that some on the jury seemed ill-equipped to do as we were instructed... take the law and apply it to the charges and, based upon the evidence, decide if the defendant had truly violated the law on each charge. You really made me laugh... the defense picked the "droolers" and the prosecution picked, well "others" LOL. So I think I ended up on the jury due to the prosecution (then again, I am a little "off kilter," so maybe the defense picked me...lol!!). But yes, with my new sense of balance, I seem a little more capable of knowing when to pull back and let others take up the gauntlet. Guess I'm learning the art of "choose your battles."

Well, as far as mom's visit, you hit the nail on the head... key is making a guest feel welcome without going overboard. The family gathering went well and mom's here now. She's retired and has quite a few physical limitations, so just going to the store is enough of an outing (whew!). Glad it's mom visiting... dad and I have a VERY complex and intense past (he's much like me yet NOT self-aware, so childhood and my relationship with him now is VERY trying). So, I'm just going to take the visit day by day and keep as relaxed as I can. No beating myself up... and you're right... BABY STEPS!!!!

only just read this 6.49pm Mon 27/6 - enjoy your Mum... she's probably just what you need to slow you down a bit lol