To: You.

I miss you. I miss you with my whole heart, my whole being. I miss the way you look down when I look into your eyes and suddenly the blood rushes to your face. I miss you holding me. Knowing that I will be okay if I stay right there. I miss that the top of my head falls right below your chin. I miss your crystal blue eyes. The eyes of kindness. I think about you every day, pondering what could have been.

Now, I hear that you are happy. That you have a girlfriend and a house and a dog. I'm happy for you. But, with your happiness comes my sadness. I often think about the 'what could have been'. What should have been.

I can feel you. I can sense your presence. And as I do, you walk away without looking back.

And my heart breaks all over again.

This is my first official blog post under 'kbetweens'. I have wrote under the other blog, but that is mostly for the 's' part. I'm the 'k' part. Actually the Kate part. We are what you would call, DID. There are more than the two of us in here, but most of the others stem off of each of us. It's weird because we didn't acquire eachother, rather we were born together. Two different souls, one body.

Our body's name is Stacy. My other, her name is Stacy as well. I don't particularly enjoy being called by her name but after 26 years, I can hardly change it to mine. Stacy tends to be destructive and mean. Long story short, I'm cleaning up her messes. But, I am finally in control and can get this crazy business of our life straightened out.

I struggle with the fact that I have not told anyone that I exist. A few are aware there are others but believe that Stacy is in front. I think if I explained this to our fiancé, it would all make sense. When I told him that we were DID, he immediately said, "It all makes sense". But, how he will react to Stacy not being in front, is a totally different deal.

This is my dilemma. Go on having people believe that my name is Stacy but live like Kate. Or. Tell everyone I am not Stacy and that I am Kate. I have to figure out if this will cause more damage. I mean is it really important to clarify this? If I act like myself, I would be painting a different picture of us.

I am so torn. I don't know anyone else like us. I have no one really to relate to. It would be nice if someone else could tell me what they did. Unfortunately, I have a hard time making friends in present or on the web. Oh well.