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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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level of independence of my alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Aug 28, 2011 4:00 am

In imaging a stable future personality (or fewer personalities), I'm starting to focus within our system on the levels of power, independence, courage, self-confidence, and sensitivity to the opinions, safety and needs of others. They're different among us and in fact are changing.

AARON: extremely calm and self-confident, therefore very independent (though a fragment)

DAN (was Dack): independent and thick-skinned; cocky and belligerent (not expressed unless provoked) most of the time; reigns it in completely around children and moms and feels protective, almost mushy, around them; very tough, aggressive, likes to exercise, push the body; extremely high level of energy but some dissipated to ever-present tension, which is basically his anger controlled

JACK: very independent, self-reliant and adventuresome; quite unaffected by people's judgment of him ("everybody don't have to like me, that's okay"); currently held in check by his youth relative to John and John's "mother hen" approach; hyper-aware of potential bullies of vulnerable people, especially kids, in any environment and wants to take them on himself

JONATHAN: very independent minded, strong, determined, ambitious; hampered by his design at birth to help John; his role was to replace John as companion to the father in one-on-one interactions; has a slight superiority complex so mostly unaffected by people's opinions of him; the lawyer father encouraged independent critical thinking and judgment, even judgment of the father's ideas, because father's ideal was a family dinner where everyone could hold their own in any discussion or argument about anything; but deference to John has been automatic due to his design and thus is crippling and tremendously frustrating for Jonathan; strong feeling of obligation to protect those younger and to treat with respect (even while judging) those of lower status than him

JOHN: dominant host since age two and a half; overwhelming habit of not being affected by and controlling his environment; over time this has meant a dwindling interaction with the world, the job and friends and (nice) family members from the past being the last vestige of world interaction; has need for positive opinion of him from people in the world and heavily affected by potential negative opinions of him, which is a primary weakness; owns an inner need to "provide for" others, their well-being and emotions

QUATO: couldn't care less what anyone thinks of him or of John, probably because he has lived mostly internally (I think) and doesn't have to live with the consequences; influenced John, strongly at times, when he felt John was being a patsy, when he felt like stirring up trouble or strife, when John or others felt scared of tough people, for sexual fantasy, or when he felt John needed to cut loose; comfortable around crude, hyper-masculine, violent, even dangerous people; claims not to care about individuals, sarcastic and often jeering, nihilistic; soft side shows around children, desires to protect and play with them (hmmph, some anarchist)

MARC-DOMINIC: came for John as his variable mentor; an independent thinker who is not at all affected by what John thinks; extremely self-confident, haughty as an alter and imbues John with confidence and a feeling of entitlement in interactions with powerful or rich people; harshly judgmental of the mighty who do not practice noblesse oblige or of the wealthy who are not philanthropists

SPHINX: gatekeeper who has deferred to those of the body most of the time; until recently was mostly unaffected by thinking of alters but has moved toward mutual growth and change; a rather detached but deep compassion is the only emotion he displays

LITTLE JOHN: tentative, non-challenging, always deferential, never spoke unless spoken to; nevertheless, oddly independent in his thinking, as if he was waiting for the chance to break out of his self-imposed limits once it became safe; somewhat dependent on DID mother's good alter(s) as he was only 2 when he went inside; gaining independence as time goes on; loves feeling big brotherly to Adam

ASHÁR: many, many times defended the body from mother's ritualized abuse; primary role was defending the core from abuse; fierce and seems fearless; protector to the death of Adam

JOHANN: a fragment traumatized by recognizing the betrayal by the father; rejecting of father; pushing for help from EMDR

ADAM: hurt core, easily frightened though becoming less so; a toddler therefore dependent on mother's care, now on big guys in the body who take care of him, not always very successfully; taking new strides toward independent, like walking, even in public

CHARLES: don't know well yet, very hurt

HANSEL: least independent because he came as Johann's twin in order to comfort him; originally quite dedicated to Johann's emotional need and to keeping the pain and nausea from John
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sat May 12, 2012 3:55 am, edited 9 times in total.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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