i think my mother was embarrassed of me because i couldn`t do that movement.
I had to perform in front of an audience for the first time in my life and i had practiced for hours in front of a mirror without managing that one movement. I was frustrated with myself because there was another movement i also couldn`t make, i had to reach down to the floor and touch my toes, and i couldn`t do it!

All the other children in my ballet lesson could do it just not me, so i complained about it to my mother and she said that it was because my legs were longer then my arms....(yeah i know hilarious, she also convinced me to eat meat by saying that it was made in a bank-cuz the meat was called "bank meat" which really meant pounded meat, so i would imagine them sitting behind the counter in the bank making meat). Kids say the funniest things but in this case my mother stroke gold in her mouth..

Anyway lets not stride away completely so..i was going to have a christmas show where we all were going to show what we had learned the last year. So we had a dance we all did at the same time.

All the parents were sitting up on a tribune, the crazy old lady sat by the piano playing her normally boring tunes, that we had to follow, and so it all started.

The first steps were easy i knew them all by heart, and then came "the bridge" as we called it and i stood there angry and frustrated trying several times to make that move while the other kids were moving along with the dance i walked around my self a couple of times hoping that i could make that move the other way-and OBOY did i look like the dumbest idiot on stage that day!

So first one parent giggles and after that the whole tribune starts to laugh.

At first i didn`t realize it was me they were laughing at, but then i saw my mother hiding her face in shame.


I felt really disappointed but i think my mother felt even worse-she had dragged my stepfather to this event and he is a real perfectionist who doesn`t wanna be made to laughter and who always expects the best of everything. He is an achiever and right now i am making fun of my mother in front of him.

There wasn`t a lot of talking in the car on the way home that day.

I felt embarrassed because my mother had bragged about me to my grandmother (mother of my stepfather) and they were all so interested in hearing how my ballet was going.

In some way the ballet was a show because it made them have something to talk about with my grandmother. My grandmother (mother of my stepfather whom i refer to as my grandmother in this thread), was still a recent person in my mothers life, my mother had been married before and had 3 children by the time she met my stepfather.

This didn`t sink in easy with my grandmother.

And so talking about my ballet when she visited them abroad was a (wait for the super irony here..) bridge...

or also a distraction?

As big hearted as my grandmother was she embraced me with open arms.

She did that with all of my mothers first children, i think it was for four reasons, one because they were a part of her now new and extended family, in were she had no children, two, because she wanted to give support to her son, three because she her self came from a large family with many children(she had 11 siblings), and four because she knew that we had nothing to do with the divorce.


A grandmother she was.

I`ve had many "careers" in my life, the first one was as a ballet dancer but i failed in doing this movement http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maysmr5WGl1rh5fzoo1_500.jpg so i quit @ the age of 5. Its sad to have to quit so early when u have a passion 4 something, & its early to learn about the disappointments in life i think. I was bumped but i started school & learned how 2 read. Donald Duck&Co got me laughing again


(I might upload a pic of my shoes one day? I still have my pink ballet shoes somewhere, and they still have that distinct smell-if someone knows what i mean?)

Sharing in a big family is hard, i was the only child from my mothers first marriage who lived with her & my stepfather @ that time. I guess my mother saw the attention i got for my ballet dancing as a potential threat to the others, for getting jealous? Whenever i spoke proud of my ballet dancing with my elder sister(when she visited us), she went a bit quiet. I don`t think she got the same as me growing up. Even if i only got it for a short while. By the time i was 7 i had a smaller sister, who became the centre of the new family`s attention. When i was 5 i had the best year as a "only child" because i had gotten used to living alone with my mother, and because i got so much attention from my stepfathers family whenever we visited them abroad.

Little did i worry about my other siblings, since i only got to see them now and again.

I got used to being the only child-in my mothers new family, and my stepfather would give me more attention in those days, because i was the only child in his life too(except for my elder siblings but they lived with my father so their contact wasn`t too big.)

Changes are made, given and used for whatever they might be used for. Good or bad.

Something strange happened to me as a child that i now look back at and see the damages it made.

When i was 5 i lived with my mother and my stepfather. One day my mother sent me to the shop to buy ice cream. I was walking down the street happy because i had money to buy ice cream and happy because it was a good day.
In the shop i heard a man talking.
He passed me by as i was opening the ice cream and throwed the paper in the dustbin.
When i came out of the shop he was in his car and he asked me if i wanted sweets.
He was inviting me into the car.

I had gotten orders from my mother not to respond to strangers so i said "no". As i turned around to walk away i thought it was strange he would ask me that question since i was holding an ice cream in my hand.

There are many things i could tell you from that day, like how he looked at me when i said "no", and how i felt his annoyance(which i know now). I felt him getting agitated, a new kind of feeling for me to feel.

The guy was a mass murderer who liked to torture and kill his victims.

He was driving thru the town i lived in on a highway that lead to another city, the shop was located right by this main road, and i know he killed someone in that other town. There is only one road that leads to that town-and that was the road in front of the shop where i was that day.


His name (i make up a fictive name here), was "Tom".

A few years later a boy named "Tom" in my class tried to strangle me.

I had a friend in nursery who was called "Aime", Tom (the killer) killed a girl by that same name many years later. Aime(the victim), had two teeth missing in front, the same as i did(but after i met him).


I started to have fear for "evil" eyes, if i saw a poster with evil eyes i would look away and get scared.

Aime was a lot like me.
The murderer has admitted that he choose his victims out of his own emotions. I know he wasn`t that experienced when he first met me. I think he killed aime because he didn`t get me.


His influence on me was big, as i have found out.

I have been in the mind of a mass murderer, and it was not nice.

A child should never be exposed to such kind of people.


Up until then i had only known people in my family except for my stepfather, and then people in my nursery. All "safe".

When i saw a picture of the psychologist who has treated Tom i felt as if i had seen him before.


You could argue that this was all just coincidences but i know they weren`t.

He was very professional killer who liked to kill other people. That was all he was good at.

He didn`t leave much up for failure and it took the police many years to find out who he was.

He was obsessed and i was vulnerable because i had lost my father and my siblings due to a divorce.

I know that if i hadn`t gone thru that divorce then my mother and father wouldn`t have let me go that store alone. It was because i had a liberate/not caring stepfather who saw it as right to let me do things like that alone. I also walked myself to nursery every morning and took my first plane ride alone when i was 5(I didn`t fly the plane, i was a passenger).


My father let me go because of many reasons which i shall not get into here right now.

I think my case is interesting as to how much influence something has on a child. A child is like a sponge.

Today Tom has gone out in the media proclaiming his guilt and asking for forgiveness. I cannot forgive him.

I am always afraid.

I think that its more critical when things happened during development.

The mind is so flexible yet so impressionable, a disturbance like that sets precedence.


I don`t like disturbed people and i feel as if i should never have been exposed to that.

It somehow feels injustice.
I was just in a good mood, and i understand if the mother of Aime hates that man with all her heart.

I know he had some problems in his childhood but i still don`t feel ok...

[ Continued ]

Yesterday a little snow arrived, not enough to call it full blown winter but enough to call it the beginning of winter.

I have a pair of skis but i am waiting for more snow which might take some while since the temperature is expected to raise tomorrow.

So the weather is in a limbo state where the ground is (today) covered with ice which is hard to walk on and not enough snow in the forest to go skiing.

Its a bit annoying. I like to go skiing and i like to go for walks and now they have both been temporarily weakened. I bought a new pair of special rubber spiked soles to wear underneath my shoes so i don`t slip on the ice. They were so expensive!
Changes always cost.

"MAKE ME APPRECIATE YOUR EXISTENCE!!!"