Yesterday i watched a really good documentary about finding once roots. It was a famous female writer from Norway called Unni Lindell who was searching back at her roots and she found many things had happened to her family.

First of all she blamed one man in her family for being a recluse when it came to showing his feelings.
She blamed him for many of the problems that had been in her family.
Then when she discovered that this man (who i think was her grand grand father or something, father to her grandfather would perhaps be more correct), she discovered that he had lost his mother when he was only 7 months old. There had been miners in her family. The man who was married to this particular mother (who died when she was only 33 years old from sot in her lungs). He winded up getting married again and having 7 more kids on top of the two he had with her.

Another celebrity who is a business man who owns a big brewery and probably many other things found out that he was related to not one but many famous bohemians in his family. His heritage could found all the way back into the 1300.
pretty fascinating what can be discovered.

Unni Lindell also discovered that her ancestors came from Sweden and had changed her last name to Lindell from a swedish town(think it was Linkjøping?)

I can recognize myself a bit in what she said about this seclusive man who she had in her family. I feel like both my grandfather and my mother is a bit of the same type as this mans person in her family was.
My grandfather experienced world war two as a prisoner on the verge of being killed and he had problems there but he never talks about it, all he says is that it was like hell.

Lindell stood by the grave site to one of her ancestors and said that its not easy to give something you don`t have.
A pretty deep program about families struggles and what can happen to the other people who stands around that one person.

One person in a family can have great impact on the rest.

So as i have said in my poems before i alternate between kick ass happy and bad ass angry all the time.

I have just gotten back from a weeks holiday up in the mountains when my mother has tried to reach me on the phone.

One minute i feel as if i am going threw something with some sort of happiness and control, then she comes up....
I feel the same way every time my sister tries to contact me-it feels as if they all want to put the blame on me for everything that has happened in my family.
Like they want to throw all their liabilities, problems and frustrations on me. Or actually the whole families liabilities...
Like as if i can do anything????
I wonder if they sit there thinking "oh she hasn`t heard about the problems for a while lets bother her"
Like as if i have a unwritten duty to do something.
I have my own problems and they can be more then enough to carry for me. I don`t have a job because of chronicle problems and i don`t have much money. Also i don`t have anything i could call a strong social network-so i am basically left out there to care for myself.
My mother has been given more support and help to her other children from her second marriage.
This has affected me in many ways.
Things have affected me in many ways, i am going threw all my influences because they are what has made me for better and worse.
I can see that many of my influences have come from my stepfather.
Even if i am not a mother i can see what a mother should be for her child, its ironic how i can see all the damages/lacks in my mother as a reflection of how she should have been.
For example she should have explained more to me when i was a child. We lived with a man who sometimes was very outspoken and like the saying goes "small pots also have ears", this is a quote transferred from my language where we call the handles on a pot for ears.
So small children also have ears...
Meaning that they do listen when others speak and what they hear must be translated to a language they can understand. When my stepfather was criticising others in front of me i didn`t really understand what he meant. I am angry because his anger seems to have been my only communication i had with him.
Either i agreed and was a friend or i disagreed and wasn`t.
I never disagreed and one of the reasons for this is because my mother never dared to stand up to him.
If she were to explain why he was so irritated (for example: Once when i was about 8 years old he yelled at the shop clerks in our local shop on the corner. Later when we came home he called them fat and stupid, seeing as he was a big influence for me in terms of punishments and force i had to believe him..if i didn`t then he would be angry.)
Now whenever i see fat people i think of his insults.
I know now that it was when he was stressed that he would blur out something like this.
I often went to this shop to buy groceries as i was sent there by my mother, so this argument he had with them had an effect on me too.
I know that other people might have other influential problems like alcohol and drugs, but i think this abusive name calling also is a bad influence on a child.
My stepfather has criticised me for many things too, it makes my relationship with my mother difficult or non with holding, since she always agrees with him.

I come from a small country in Scandinavia where its been peaceful since world war 2 until today.

Today at appr. 15.30 the government buildings in the centre of our capital city were attacked by bombs.

I live about a 20 sub fare away.

Al qaida is behind the attacks and one hour after the bombing they invaded an island full of young politician (ages 15-25) and started to shoot. So far 30 are found killed but people were trying to swim away from the island so there might be many bodies lying in the ocean too.
I have been sitting on pins and needles for many hours watching the news about the bombings and seeing how many peoples lives are effected by this.
Since i live so closely to this it has had a profound impact on me too. This is the city i have grown up in and i have walked in the bomb area many times, even worked in it.
I understand that its the politicians the terrorists are targeting so i feel a bit more secure but its still a terrible happening.
I live in Oslo btw if you want to google to see what is going on here. Pretty dramatic pictures of destroyed buildings and scared people.
The worst for me was the guy who disguised himself as a police officer 1 hour after the bombings, then he went to the island that lies one hour outside the capital.
There was a guard on land there who he showed a false id to and then got a boat from this political party (party for youth) to drive him out to the island.
He was armed because he said he was inspecting the island because of the bombings, so nobody suspected him to be a terrorist.
Then when he came to the island he started to call the campers towards him, as they approached him, he executed them.
These were just young people who didn`t have anything to do with the conflicts going on down in the middle east.
I think the reason we are being attacked is because Bin Laden has been killed, this made Al Qaida angry. Then they use our interactions in Libya and some character drawings of Mohammed as a reason to bomb us. Also we are a easier target.


Edit 3 august 2011: It wasn`t Al Qaida who stood behind the bombings, it was later found out that it was a norwegian man who stood behind the attacks. He is arrested and waiting for sentence. If you like to read more about it, google " Oslo bombings 22 of july 2011".

Some people don`t get the right up bringing so they need to help to fill in the gaps where their parents or guardians have failed.
For me that or those gaps are being filled by the people who surrounds me.
Its good in one way, it always feels good to know that you get something you need.
The problem is that so many things are broken and it can take so many people to fill that gap in me.
They are all nice meaning people but i have to pick them out of their qualifications.
One person might help me with one thing and another with something else.
It gets a little bit messed up this way, but hey! if your car has run out of gas you do what you have to.
I call it my mosaic picture.
My parents weren`t there for me as a child because of so many interferences and problems so that is why things got this way.
Don`t know if anyone can relate to what i mean?
The down pit is that one person might understand some of the feelings but not all, one person might have some of the same feelings and know what to do about it but lacks in others.
We all compare ourselves to others.
I once went along with a woman who had been adopted and i know that was because i had lost my father and had a emotional withdrawn mother, so i could relate to that feeling of being without parents.
Also she had brothers and sisters who could for me symbolize my half siblings. But then she never knew her biological siblings or if she had any, so there the similarities would end and envy/ignorance/indifference begin.(Not to criticise her, she was a nice person to me mostly, despite where her problems started to give me problems too).
Anyway i have crammed myself into a corner literally speaking and have to end it for today.

Never forget i am not i only see what others don`t

For as long as i can remember i have been attached to a feeling that i need a man in my life who can withhold my mysterious bundle of feelings.
He should understand what lurks inside me, know what makes angry. Carry the anger even though he doesn`t know it.

I have had different kinds of relationships, i wish i could find a better relationship with someone i can discuss my feelings with.

It takes time to develop good communication skills and then to recognise it in someone else.

Hope i get it right someday.

And that its not all just a