I have just called the police about a person from my past that acted a bit strangely once.

The reason why i called them is because there has been a rape in the neighbourhood where he lived.
I haven`t seen the person in many years and i could be completely wrong which is why i am feeling a little bit uneasy at the time.

Whenever i am in a grey zone i hate it.
I am the type of person who likes to be certain about things and i know how devastating it can be when i am wrong about something.

Once i was so wrong about something that i winded up feeling sad.
I can be a bit neurotic at times and i have been working on it for many years.
I have always been a careful person who doesn`t allow just anybody into my life.
I have to make sure that they are secure people.
You hear about so many things happening in the world and i think that is what made me a bit neurotic.

Sometimes i imagine that people are dangerous but never in a "off the limit way" if you know what i mean.

I know the difference between real and unreal...

I think that the thing that made me this way is that i grew up in a very unprotected environment, i was taught to read and follow the news from a quite early age.

I remember i was at the house of a friends once during school and she wasn`t allowed to watch the news.

I would read newspapers when i was 13 years old uncensored.

So i guess that is my statement my childhood wasn`t censored enough so i took in a lot of information when i was too young to gather and organize it in a proper way.

Kids have great imaginations so this got a bit mixed up for me.

So this one time i called in a tip to the police that was totally wrong.
I called in because my boyfriend had worn a similar hat to the one in the drawn mugshot....the height and body weight didn`t match at all


He got called in to the police station and had to sit for an interview.

I later talked to him about it and he was very upset.

I hadn`t know him for that long so...
I apologized and felt like a git for not having read the mugshot report more carefully.

We winded up moving together anyway and he forgave me for that so thankfully it all turned out ok.

But it lingers there somewhere in the back of my head.

Yeah sure we all make mistakes i can`t take out that piece of me.

So this guy i mistakenly called about once for many years ago was my boyfriend for a year.

He was nice and sweet and had so many qualities that i sought after in a guy.

Unfortunately he was also a diabetic so i had to take special care of him which i sometimes felt like i didn`t.

Once i close the door to him because we had a fight and i still feel bad about it, he had his medications inside the flat which i wasn`t thinking about. (He also had a pen with him in his jacket and his parents lived close by where he also had a lot of medications).

But i still feel terrible about that even if everything worked out fine in the end.

I had some difficult times with myself during that relationship, i had just stopped working and was totally lost for every sense in life and i know some of this came over him.

We had fights where i would throw food on him and i wasn`t at my best behaviour.

Despite our trials we managed to find our way back to forgiveness and friendship and we parted as good friends.

He will always have a special place in my heart.

Things were cracking in my life at that time, i had lost my job, the relationship to my sister and the relationship to my mother was a horrible thing.
He didn`t know about all of my problems because he wasn`t capable to "see" them and so i never shared them with him which is why our relationship became a vacuum of locked up feelings.

One of the reasons i couldn`t share my feelings about what was going on was because of his disease, the other which i learned about afterwards was that he had a drinking problem,...

[ Continued ]

I woke up with an uneasy feeling this morning.. i woke up a bit late and so half the morning was already gone.
Then i realized that it was much too late to go out for a day trip which made me feel a bit like i had wasted the whole time

Instead of going on a trip i have to stay at home, again..

I have a stalker who keeps giving me the attention and then taking it away...he seems to be a little bit unsure of himself and weak at the same time.

I am ok with people not always wanting to date me i have had lots of people who didn`t think that i was the one for them and to be frank with you i wouldn`t much like to be dating a guy who thinks he is the answer to everything, that type of man has never attracted me very much. I don`t like the arrogant type who hides behind sarcasm and anger so that he doesn`t need to show his weaker sides to me.

He gets angry ever time i don`t do as he tells me and doesn`t realize that he is just as bad himself.
He thinks he is so much better than everybody else.
We get closer and then we start to argue its been going on like this for a long time and i wonder when he will finally realize how stupid he really is?

I woke up this morning to the sound of my neighbours loud talking outside my window..
he is moving and has taken a lot of trips with his furnitures.
Since he lives next door to me i can hear him moving his furnitures when my window is open.

Its a bit good that they are moving..but also a bit sad.
They never greeted me in the beginning and they have two dogs that barks, but i try to be patient.
Still they started to become more friendly towards me as time went.
Always a wonder who is going to move in next.


I got a letter from the employment house who also pay out to people who don`t work..
I have a meeting there with my new case worker in some weeks.
I am a little bit frustrated over this situation so i will be able to take it up with him when i see him.

Other wise its going towards autumn and the days are going shorter due to lack of daylight.
In winter it gets dark already at 3pm so many people have what we call in Norway for winter depression.

There is a special lamp that one can buy to fill up the brain with more light its a therapeutic light you sit in front of for about 10 minutes and it gives you more energy.

I remember there was a total eclipse of the sun once and the birds stopped singing...so there is a link between light and depression.

Socializing and having problems is a challenge, i met a group of new people(friends) yesterday and when the question "what do you do for a living?" comes up around the table, i always feel a bit out of place.

Saying i don`t have a job and then having to explain the hundreds of reasons why is always a struggle.

Having a job is important its like an identity people can put you on hooks, a job can tell a lot about you as a person and how people are going to treat you.
If you work as a shop clerk they will treat you a lot more different then if you are a brain surgeon.

Also i am afraid that people will judge me as a lazy bugger who isn`t capable of anything.

I have had more jobs then most people and therefore i have a lot of experience.
All this experience is part of the problem...
Working with a lot of responsibilities can sometimes make people scared of failing, this can grow into anxiety.
Anxiety is only part of the problem, i have struggles with back pains and a complex health story.
Telling people about it is difficult.
My back problems is unstable, some days i can carry some heavy things and other days and i can`t.
Mostly its bending and turns that my back struggles with, so when people see me carrying a heavy back pack or something else they might start to wonder.
And then there is various liability damages around on my body that is difficult to prove without both x-rays and big examinations.


And then its the personal struggles.

Life is full of new challenges, i can seem energetic and i still can`t work i know that is a puzzle for others to understand but of course these are people who have only just stepped into my life.

Also i am so used to giving and have grown up with the moral that i should work for every penny, so this probably have something to do with my abundance.

I stayed up a bit late last night having a conversation with many people, the good thing about a group of people is that we all have versatile lives, one is like me without a job, another one had taken care of husband and kids for many years, so i can relate myself to them in various ways.

Even if i only drank a small amount of alcohol yesterday i still feel a bit hungover, i used to take alcohol better before i started on anti depressants(quit those some years ago) but i still don`t take to alcohol as good as i did before.

Don`t know if it has anything to do with the meds? but i think so. It can also be because i drink rarely and little?

Still despite this its nice to meet new people and get new influences

I sat on a chair all night and my back can sometimes feel a bit bad when i sit too long..the fysio i went to many years ago said that its the worse you can do with a bad back, you should either stand or lie down. That is a bit difficult to do when you are out at a bar.

Ay..i didn`t sleep last night and i am feeling it now

Something kept me awake

I was feeling a bit weak under the steel so i searched the web for some other thoughts....what i found was a crocodile under the hood and he took a bite of my foot, after that i couldn`t sleep all night

When i finally slept next to the morning dew my irritation had made me feel blue so i only slept a few hours.

Now my eyes are puffy and i have dark rings too, my energy level is not high and it is not new

What should i do