I didn't think faith would become a topic on this blog as quickly as it did. A post on the AS forum sparked my curiosity, as I'm occasionally approached by people with faith: be they nuns, chaplains, or simply people who follow a religion requiring dedication to a deity.

Unfortunately, I encounter the people who have faith as their job or life's pursuit, during times I had been hospitalized. I really don't enjoy talking with people about the religion they happen to be following. I would hate to step on their toes in any way and spark an argument.

When I was approached, these people would say the same thing - that I appeared troubled, and wanted to know how they could help, as they could tell I have a kind heart. Well, I can't say no to a helping hand, can I? I enjoy conversation very much, and being able to vent helps me a great deal (though that may be why I started this blog). So, I tell them what's going on with me at the moment, and hope they don't try to influence me into their faith. I used to be somewhat spiritual myself, but I lost that idea some time ago when I realized how much I hallucinate.

Chaplains don't mind people who are spiritual, and neither did nuns I've met, really - the ones you might need to watch out for are people who simply follow a theistic religion. One of the stranger thing's that's happened to me was during my most recent hospitalization, last November;

[Explanation of context]
Things really fell apart for me during 2011. The year started out pretty well, I had just met a woman I thought was amazing and we started to date. However, at home I was under constant abuse from my mother. I also started being unable to eat that much for a reason I didn't understand, and my body was always wracked with pain - leaving me with little stamina, and cutting my strength nearly in half. The abuse got worse due to a lack of understanding from both my mother and the woman I was dating, and the friends I had known longest started to distance themselves from me after I had a psychotic break in May. This culminated in a horrible argument that got me sent to a hospital called Gnaden Huetten. I ended up there on thanksgiving day, and ended my romantic relationship with that woman I loved, because she didn't really love me. I already knew my mother didn't want me home, so I started making arrangements to move to a different state. My mother made those arrangements unreasonably difficult, so I had to figure out a new way. I was constantly angry the entire time I was there, but I also was very weak from lack of nutrition (having lost 20 pounds in less than a month) and constant pain. I was driven by rage and the thought that I would die of malnutrition before I turned 26.
[/Explanation of context]

A few days after I got there, I was laying on my "bed" with my right arm covering my eyes during the day, trying to sleep but annoyed by nearly everything around me. Suddenly a woman started speaking to me - I didn't hear her walk in, and when she was done talking to me, I never heard her leave. I also never took my arm from my eyes, so I never saw what she looked like. She also never gave me her name.

She asked me to confirm my name, I said that I was definitely who she thought I was. She addressed my obvious depression and anger, and said that I should release the feelings I have about this world and let a higher power take over. At any other time, I would have asked her to leave - though I was very angry and running on my body's stored energy for the gaps in nutrition I was experiencing. So instead of leaving it be, I waited until she asked me that one question to respond:

Anonymous: "Are you religious?"

Me: "I used to be religious, but I don't actually see the necessity of a higher power maintaining the universe we see."

A: "Well the one God created everything you see, and if you believe in him, he can help you find peace."

M: "That's nice, but I used to pray and I didn't see prayer any more effective than chance. I used to have 'faith', but when I saw how people regularly would not treat me with kindess as I showed them, it began to waver. When my mother sent me here, it was gone."

A: "But you have to understand that God gives us all free will, and he can't decide if we act negatively towards each other. You have free will to follow Him."

M: "God knows everything. Is everywhere. Can do anything. Our entire universe was created by God so that we would exist, but you say we have free will? If God knows what we did, are doing, will do, and punishes us for doing things he doesn't particularly like but obviously knew we could do them because that's how we were designed, that's not free will. We can choose to follow God or be punished in an inconceivably horrible prison. That's not a choice. That's an order."

A: "But you do have a choice. The people who treated you badly will be punished, and you can be saved if you have faith in God."

M: "When we die, we don't remember what we've done in our lives. That's how it works when you go to heaven. This life is what I'll remember, so why is it that I'm allowed to suffer? To justify how others are judged when they die?"

There was no more response.

I have no idea who this woman was, or even if it wasn't a hallucination. Regardless, I do feel bad about arguing with her, as she only wanted to help me.

Being agnostic, I don't outright deny the existence of any deity. I simply don't believe such a being can be understood in any way, and therefore don't believe in any conceptualized god: so I'm an atheist. I do follow Buddhism and Taoism, however. Those are some well described schools of thought.