I took a drive out earlier this evening, to visit a grave that's dear to me: Frances, a twenty-something lady from the Victorian era, who I've referred to as FS in the past on the Paraphilias board. I just sat there with her, in the dark, in a place that most 'normal' people would probably find spooky!

Being at that woman's grave always soothes me. I swear she's got some sort of positive field or something, and I feel 'hugged' when I'm there. Today, my head was so full of stresses and anxieties that it was actually hurting, but when I sat down and rested it against the cold headstone, it felt like all the pain was being leached out and healed.

Then my mind wandered to a place that makes me feel bad now, as I sit typing this at home. I imagined a scenario where I bring her back with me, and live with her. In this scenario, she's either mummified or an articulated skeleton, and I keep her dressed in nice clothes. We watch TV together, listen to music, and I get to have that feeling I get at her grave all the time I'm at home with her. It's quite a blissful daydream.

Now though, I feel terrible for even thinking it. I feel awful for thinking about taking her away from her grave. It feels like I've stepped over a boundary with her, even though it's an imagined scenario. It also makes me uncomfortable with myself. The fantasy is uncomfortably close to a few real life scenarios (such as a guy in Russia who dug up corpses and lived with them) where necrophiles have totally lost touch with reality, dug up graves, and taken dead people home to 'live' with them.

It's a good job that I know deep down that I'm actually quite sane and reasonable! Maybe not 'sane' in the eyes of most 'normal' people, but I know where my feelings come from, and it's not as dark a place as most people would imagine when they hear the word 'necrophile'. There are people in this world with terrible, malicious things going on in their heads. I'm not one of them. I might have some fantasies that aren't to most people's liking, which would even horrify a lot of people, but I think I'm a pretty decent person, and I'd really hope Frances agrees!