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Blog 56: A closer look: A double life by OMNICELL on Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:32 am
Take what you like and leave the rest. I use this blog to help release the pain and secrets built up from mental illness.

Im only as sick as my secrets!.

Just got back from the mission. Running low on money. Grateful there is a place to eat.

Feel like a Hobo; like the year of homeliness I endured and the stay in the park talking to the trees; a rough experience, wasn't enough> Hmm... That was a long time ago.

EBT card is low. Walmart took out the self checkout. I don't like running a food stamp card to the checkers, Im to embarrassed.

Social phobia is alive and well in the outside world.

My small apartment is thrashed again, that didn't take long. This usually happens when symptoms are up. I feel aloof, like a loft in Paris with easel and canvas, In denial, I imagine Im living the bohemian life style. I could never invite anyone over. They would never come back.

My self worth is nothing. That is why I have such a hard time with people. Yet, I know Im worth a great deal. If that isn't DBT, I don't know what is.

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In my room with the computer screen as the only light, as I lay down in the corner on an old cushion fusion pillow floor bed, the computer and I are one. On the computer I can be who ever I want to be. I am safe to be the better me.
In the real world I am nothing. Im a shadow on a bicycle going to the mission to eat. I escape alone, I return alone. I am a fantasy illusion.

I am the King of 12 step meetings. I get two messages: " If you can speak, why aren't you working" and " Why do you still have problems. How long have you been here?". ###$ them. ######6 Pu##ies.

I do not feel safe around people. I do not like them. I don't!. I feel like most of them are low self esteem recipients lying/hiding behind fake material facades. Seems like so many have altered motives.
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Nothing changes;

My biggest problem with social experience: I cannot come to grips with my endless poverty. I cannot come to grips with the judgement of others that see nothing of character direction. These people are viewing from a distance; They judge according to outside appearance. And Im not talking about therapists or the mental health system, Im talking about people with the same potential I have.

At times I feel Im doing well. Then I realize; thats on the computer. When I go outside into the real world. I cant function and I have no status to speak of with anyone. Im almost completely alone.

The real world is an electric fence I cannot compete against.

Im in a kind of denial. Like a King sitting on a thrown in a gutter of a lonely big city street. Sitting in a fantasy. Telling those that pass by how superior I am to everyone. They look the other direction in contempt and walk away as fast as possible, Thus , I remain alone and bewildered.

I forget about reality. I forget about the honest easement of my condition. I forget about who I am in the outside world. Im attempting to get back to Zero.

What determines my worth. God/myself. Is this enough!

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2 years ago:

I studied attraction techniques, I became quite proficient at it. How to dress, clean up, what shoes, what bling bling to wear. How to hold myself in a group of people. how to talk,how to walk, how to emote, how to work a room.
I created a giant front of interest from several small hordes of women. It worked!.
The actual goal was not dating. The goal was to brake through the dissociative barrier in order to interact with people. After praying about it, God brought me a goal. The carrot on the stick of interest. Women! Women indirectly saved my dissociative life.

A young women took interest in me. She was sensitive and unique and beautiful. I could see the small girl in her looking at me, wanting me to take her. She chased after...

[ Continued ]

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Feed Recent Blog Entries
Im a 12 year old who does Art… by OMNICELL on Sat Jun 07, 2025 8:48 pm
Im a 12 year old who does Art…
.
This is newest identity. This is the most modern identity of myself as new person…
Im now checking levels and defining myself concerning a thorough investigation of ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 309 times
The beginning of setting out into society… by OMNICELL on Sun Jun 01, 2025 1:34 am
The beginning of setting out into society…
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So; in addition to my goals in general;
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I have been doing service work in my recovery meetings; some of them are more middle class affairs; some fellowships a...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 429 times
What do I want by quietgirl2538 on Thu May 29, 2025 1:15 pm
I am single by choice. I am at peace. I don't want a guy, just to have a guy. There is more that I want and more that I need as a woman. I have friends but it stays there. Why? Because that is what...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 476 times
Learning how to take action in my goal situations... by OMNICELL on Wed May 21, 2025 5:19 pm
I have many goals.
Now it is time to focus on Gods direction and teaching on how to take action toward each one of my goals.
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What does this mean..
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For example;
Im on disability with mental...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 1080 times
THINK AND GROW RICH by OMNICELL on Tue May 20, 2025 12:36 am
Goals.
.
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Im starting over; Literally; Im already in; Im there; Im here… Now what. Im half way like any new child into the world; Im in shock… Im just kind of here. Now what! What do I do ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 1434 times
Feed Recent Comments
Re: Next blog…. In the realm of things...; The Change.. by Snaga on Wed Jan 01, 2025 11:06 pm
Happy New Year, Omnicell! Another year of making progress!

Re: test by Snaga on Sun Oct 13, 2024 1:34 am
The blogs are a little different from the open forum- here, moderator preview is a constant, unlike the open forum. It's the same case with the official journals forum. I see you're a DID forum user,...

[ Continued ]

Re: Made a decision by NewSunRising on Wed Jun 14, 2023 12:14 pm
but not alone ... We are here for you if ever you need us . Hugs & love .

Re: Being gracious by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
I agree

Re: Been a while by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
Aww...Thanks snaga

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