I see a correlation of protective safety by looking at porn in the place of dealing with real people!

I see bullies when I see women Im interested in! I don't mean I think the girl is a bully! I mean, I see bullies that have crossed into my personal space in my nervous system and my mind that I have not dealt with! And I was controlled out of expressing myself with them! I could not move! I was controlled! I as scared and afraid and confused! It was like a chess game I was loosing!@ It wasn't the thug that was the problem; it was the cops! I could not win! I would be in trouble with the cops! And why was I put into a situation like this in the first place!

Heres the point; I was controlled out of getting close or reacting! My right to interact was taken! I could not budge one way or the other!

I am being forced to deal with this level of PTSD if I get close to a women! For me; its PTSD City because of these people from the past! And there are many of them! The idea is to get through these people into safer ground or what I remember as safer ground when young!

All of what I went through is do to the psychopath; sadistic nature of the psychopath! This is what they get you into! They get you into trouble with other people then pull back and don't help! But they are the ones who started it in the first place!

I have to forgive the abusers and the bullies completely! Blame it on the time period ran by the sociopaths! And somehow get back to the present and start over!

I find it strange that I am so scared of getting involved with women! Im really ######6 freaked out! It's the general involvement; it's not women! It's the closeness! And close interactions! I understand concerning my background; whats got me freaked is that any of this exists in the first place! Sucks!

So, a combination of forgiving the past! And moving forward with people!

So, dating women is getting closer; my God that hurts! It brings up everything at age 15 and 16 and 14 and 17! ###$ it hurts! It hurts bad! It was all mangled and destroyed!


So, Porn is not the answer; its an old answer to a time period not dealt with yet! this is going to hurt!

Also, I missed all opportunities at that time to grow into something! grow from childhood to teen years to work years to relationship years into self! or into community with my own jobs and interests and understandings!