My hubby is gone fishing!

It's mixed feelings, I do miss him, but I'm also happy he's out doing something he loves. I'll visit him once a week.

Yesterday was my first day with him away, I'm trying to stay busy so I don't think about it too much. I went for a 15K hike through the forest and onto the beach and picked up floats that floated in on the last storm.

Then I went home and was asleep by 10:30pm - which is rare for me. Exercise certainly does help the whole sleeping process. I also cancled my TV, so I won't be watching reruns - It's sleeping I seem to the worst at when I'm alone.

That and eating.

Since I do have a history of an eating disorder, I'm always trying to keep that in mind and make sure I eat, its easier to eat regularly when you have someone living with you. You just eat when they eat, now I have to buy food for myself, cook it for myself and then eat it. There are no restaurants where I live, so its not just as easy as ordering something up.

I'm thinking I'll be eating a lot deer and fish. I think I'm going to make sure I eat greens and vegetables. Nutrition is important... duh.

Bah! My cat is meowing at me! and I need to shower and get ready for work. I need coffee!

I find there is a direct correlation between my current mental health and my physical health. If my mental health is suffering my body rebels... if my body is rebelling, my mental health gets worse.

And so its a horrible cycle, and the only thing I can do is change outside stressors, eat better, exercise more... attempt proper sleep patterns.

The one thing I can't fix, and I've tried, is to tackle the mold problem I have in my house. There are certain rooms I can't spend time in, or I instantly get a stuff up nose and I start to cough. I know its because I have a mold problem in this house.

Really, what I need is a better living space. The house is beautiful, but its also 25 years old, and it doesn't take long for any house that's poorly built here to develop a mold problem. I'm half tempted to build myself a small cabin, it'd be easier to clean than this five bedroom house.

I'd rather live with no running water and no hydro than live in a place with mold. I mean, I've lived without both before. Just makes life a little more interesting. Pack water, boil water on woodstove, get a small generator just 'cause. Truthfully this is the first time I've had internet in five years.

And I guess that's one of my problems in life, I feel I'm a little more wild than most. A little less tame, a little less "civilized" and its not that I'm not intelligent, or have good manners. It's just I've lived with the land my entire life. I grew up with no fast food, no shopping, no people really.

Hurrah for being different I guess.

I was tired today. Slept in, When I woke, I realized the sun was brilliantly shining on me from where I passed out on the couch.

Today. I'm packing up the last of my hubbies stuff, I'll be driving him tomorrow to where he's staying while fishing. It's mixed feelings. I'm going to miss him, but also, I'm secretly happy that I'm going to have the freedom to do whatever I want this summer. It'll probably be the last summer I get before we have kids, which I'm excited for... but I'm also excited to do my own thing for the last time.

My anxiety has gotten better since the weekend. I'm becoming more settled with the change that's coming. It was more the anticipation, knowing it was almost here, but know I had another week before things went into motion. I don't know why it hit me so hard this year, he goes away every year at this time, maybe it's because I know what to expect now. I don't handle separation well, but he handles it even worse. I keep assuring him, that once he's back on the water, he'll be happy and excited to be doing another season. He's saying what he did last year.... this is my last season, I'll go logging again. I really hope he's going to follow through this time. I'd hate for him to give up one of his dreams, simply because of a freak accident when he was younger.

I understand PTSD, and why he has resisted going back. I tried last year to send him to his psychologist (off island... it's expensive to send him away) and he went... but he ended up doing a whole bunch of blow and ketamine with his brother after he visited with him... which under minded any progress he would have made talking to his doctor... he came back Manic, hyper, un grounded. It pissed me off, because his mom was there the whole time and didn't say anything to the boys, in fact encouraged them to party around. I had him call me at 8 in the morning on day two, talking in whispers that he was hiding from his brother outside his apartment.

I had to deal with the aftermath. His mom just sent him back to me. I use to talk to her all the time, but now, I haven't talked to her in months. I'm pretty sure she feel guilty. But who am I to assume I know what she's thinking.

I don't like to talk $#%^ about my man. I love him, dearly. I understand that his current drug addiction stems from how much Morphine they put it under when he lost his eye. I also know I can't fix him. He needs to get help. He's been trying to stop partying for awhile, but with old friends and acquaintances with an extra half in their pocket convince him its a good idea, he feels its the only way he can interact with them socially. He's so afraid of people hating him... and judging him. The problem with him doing drugs, is it takes way less than the average person for him to be buggered for days. He goes into a deep depression everytime. I'm just thankful he never smoked crack.

It's difficult for me, because I'm far too understanding, most of my girlfriends would lose their $#%^, but I've loved addicts my entire life. My uncles and aunts all did Heroin, they weren't bad people, but they also never shook it.

My hubby asked me one day what would happen if we had kids and he started doing drugs real bad. I told him, I'd take the kids and leave him until he figured his $#%^ out. I still stand by that. I wonder if me wanting kids with him at this point is me making an ultimatum. I married the man because I know he'll be able to teach my kids how to fish and hunt and run chainsaw, he'll teach them about the land... I aint stupid though... I know having kids with him may not change his drug behaviour. I dunno. I'm rather confused about the whole thing.

I apologize if my logic behind this post is flawed. I'm enjoying writing, I'm finding it very therapeutic, even if nobody reads it.

But... more therapeutic will be if I get out into the sun and tend to my strawberry plants They're blooming!...

[ Continued ]

Well, Last night I worked. It was slow, made some tips, enough to get by - or at least get a pack of smokes and some food. My car is in the shop so I stayed at a friends house, my hubby is moved in with his boys since fishing is starting soon.

We had some drinks, went on an adventure to an abandoned house and salvaged some stuff for a reno my friend is doing.

The girl I was hanging out with ended up pulling out some Adderall and I took one. It was mellow and took the edge off of my drunk. I'm not one to say no when I'm drinking, I know it's probably not a good thing, but I rationalize it that I'm a recreational drug user, I don't do drugs everyday.

We had fun, walked around town and talked about nothing and everything and finally we went to bed at about 8am. I slept until noon, woke up, and started hitchhiking home. It took me two hours of walking and two rides to get home. The first was a Jehovah Witness lady who tried to convert me and I gave my typical... really I probably know more about the bible than you do speal.. and the second ride was a logging truck driver, an older man, nice... just told me stories of the old days, 50 years ago when everyone had work, logging and fishing was booming and bar fights were rampant.

A co-worker is going to work for me tomorrow, and hopefully before my next shift my car will be fixed, I could hitchhike to work, but it's so unreliable, and then... passing out on peoples couches tends to mean I do drugs I had no intention of doing to begin with.

Adderall wasn't bad though - clean. It's not like when you do coke and the "more" feeling pops up. My biggest problem with doing some lines, is not my own need for the drug, I get a strange satisfaction seeing someone who wants/needs to get high finally get that relief. But I never smoked crack either, I've noticed a marked difference in people who have.

Anyways. I really want to try and go sober this summer. Hike, pick berries... not deal with drama drugs and alcohol seem to bring to the table. The sad thing is, I didn't start drinking until this November, it was never my thing. I find because I'm socially off in most settings, alcohol and drugs make me feel more accepted.

Anyways. Just some thoughts.

So I live on the same island I was born. Day to day, I split firewood, do yard work, garden and I have a job at the local pub in my old home town. I live on 12 acres, my husband of three years is a sports fisherman, who does 110 day season with no days off.

He suffers from PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Stemming from a logging accident he was in when he was in his early 20's where a debris fire shot a paint can and hit him in the head, he lost an eye in the accident.

Me, I grew up the Pentecostal church, where I was brainwashed and manipulated, riding on the highs and lows of religion, speaking in tongues. I was molested from the age of 8-12, physically abused by my father, and abandoned by my support group when I left the church. At 21 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression and Panic attacks. In my younger days I self harmed and was bulimic, but these issues cleared up after I left the church.

I really have been doing much better in the last two years than I ever did before, but still sometimes issues creep up, sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Anyways. That's all I feel like writing.