debating the call. made one today and then felt guilty for not making the other. but then the day wears on and i feel like i don't need it anymore. and maybe i don't, particularly in light of this recent news. but the lag time is just so bloody long. if you don't do it now then when you actually do need it it isn't there.

be interesting to see how this plays out over the next couple days. didn't hit hard because i don't actually care and because this one meant virtually nothing. but there's still enough of a stink emanating from it all that there could be repercussions. then again, it could be one of those good stinks. at that point I make take a really good, long whiff.

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*mod edit* I think that's all for today. thanks for your time.

you don't actually think it's going to go like they're imagining it going do you
don't
'cause it's not
it'll be roles reversed before you know it and then it'll be the same level of nonsense again
i love how everyone's still so stupid though with respect to the other
freedom, they cry
uh, what
if it was freedom she wanted she could have had it whenever
she's the one who's chained
fools
just like me
gives me a noodle ache
what is that
hawai'ian noises
banging on the bongos like a chimpanzee
but anyway
they still whitewash her whole thing like she's got her $#%^ together like a huggies brand
(buy huggies brand diapers and training pants)
nyetski, comrade
it's still a port in any storm, compadre
permission to come aboard, ma'am
come wherever you want, seaman
just gotta remember how overripe it is
it ain't no juicy peach, padre
not no more anyway

see see back to where it was you think it hurt so much because it simply went away hardly it went away and stained itself over and over poisoned to the hollow core the emperor has no clothes be brave enough to admit that even if no one else sees histrionic dependent manipulative selfish ignorant as rotten as the rest gaps widening guy-wires snapping and inertia dissipating the others follow too accept the reality of your own identity as truly hideous as it is you're nothing but the others are truly vile as well

quickly switches back to blank. so much the better. not about anything even if it is, but it's not so it isn't, even though it's clearly not anyway. there's no connection between it and anything in this sphere, so don't sweat it. don't hang your hat on it. don't you remember what it was about before. it was bound to be broken so we broke it first. the right way and the right thing and no obligations beyond that. leave the other stuff in the ether and keep the real stuff in reality and don't get confused about the two.

resurfacing and then pulled down violently. it hangs there in the background and my brain makes hay with it, whether it should or shouldn't. my body is physically sick all the time now. why has it become so incapable of dealing with these types of things. the weight is sufficient to contemplate suicide as a viable means of escape.

i want to just say "###$ it; come at me." i mean, i don't really care what happens to me, do i? that's not how i've lived for 15 years. i've lived like i just wanted to die. so why do i care what happens with this garbage? is it potential collateral damage? i'd feel guilty for that? maybe. is it just the uncertainty of the unknown? you take a threat and add enormous uncertainty and it becomes crippling, even if the threat itself is tenable? i don't know. it seems more than that. it seems... it seems like the destruction of an image, just like with her.

this expectation had developed for how future decades would play out. not weeks or months or years. but the rest of it all. and then a bomb lands on your roof and all bets are off. now everything is uncertain. everything is chaos. everything is sweat and blood and tears and unfamiliar. i don't know. i have no idea why this is hitting me so hard, but it is.

was she this bad? i honestly don't know. no, that's not true. i know. she was. at times. when the first attack occurred it was this bad for weeks. like living in a hyperbaric chamber for weeks. just awful something fierce. but after that i don't remember. fear, for sure. but a lower-level depression, i think, and rage more than anxiety. here there is no rage. perhaps that's part of the problem. the rage acts as something of a release and something of a shield. but here there is no rage. there is no one to blame except myself, though i don't meaningfully blame myself either. and so it's the full burden of the weight and i literally struggle to hold my head erect.

i continue to not see the way out of this. not the safe way, at least. not an acceptable way. walking out on the tightrope isn't acceptable in my books. i need more assurance of the net below.

*mod edit*