So... Throughout my childhood. I learned to to try to meet up to my Mother's expectations. It meant, not only should I be a great in society... which, believe it or not, was never really defined by either my Dad or Mom... what that was really supposed to be... but, one thing was clear..?

You better be perfect, or you get punished.

As I went into my later years, things changed. I started staying in my room. Since my Sister/aunt moved out, I inherited her room... and once a iconic piece of no disturbance, my early teen years said that was enough.

7th grade was apon me. And you would expect, I was a "holy" terror for my mother. My room became my room. I would go there and listen to music... and, do that same old ritual of "roling" I had told you before, just to calm me down. MY Mother had a cow... My Dad just sat there... but there was no stopping me... my room.

Yes, I would come home and everything was so tidy that, I trouble finding things myself... but, MY ROOM. and it becasme my room. ANd, something happened that changed me so much. I used to listen to my family radio.. not the stereo... but this little radio. I would him and haw for my Mom to put it on and I would listen to it.. doing that "roling" ritual on the floor until she finally gave up and said... fine!"

"Phil? Would like to have this radio in your room?" Yes, I got it and I "rolled" on floor in bedroom, since I was not allowed on the bed... until I got on it in 7th grade and listened to albums and radio and "rolled" on the bed.

"Rolling." OCD. A ritual that brings down anxiety. As move back and forth shifting my body on my shoulder bake and forth, I do itm to a rhythm. A specific rhythm... kind of like a dance of sorts... bringing down anxiety... as I keep doing it. All OCD sufferers have ritual. That is mine. I get anxious, I have an overwhelming sensation to do that... even now!

So, ending on part three.. maybe I will put more down... but this is the basics. I am bizzare... with an OCD ritual and a never ending quest for perfection to make you like me! Which I have to deal with... yet, I have learned you can't please everyone? Right? You can't make everyone like you no matter what you say? Right? No matter what you do, no matter what you try... or second guess... your boss... who can fire you at a whim... and that knowledge makes you work harder until you burn out... to a point where you throw up in the bathroom from extreme fear? Every appointment with a someone of authority? Anyone... terrified and holding it in? KNowng your life will be lonely.

Seeing your marriage die because of it... and the one thing that makes your life worth while, a daughter, a beautiful human being that holds all that is dear to a man, for she will become a woman, sensual, sexy and yours to bring up, to give advice about those men she will see, helping her to understand and being that positive male role model so when she finds that sexiness, she finds a great man, who you look over and say, "Now this might be a great man for my daughter." And, give in a great marriage... where you are crying and sad and proud at the same time... to see proudly bring you lovely precious daughter to a man you can call you SON... and grandkids... knowing you nurtured her since she was so small... to preteen years, where she says... why do I like guys now, and help her understand, and show her... she is an attractive young woman... and show her that she deserves everything she wants in a young man she finds... and see this happen...

But, you missed it all. Because of curcumstances you can't control... just imagining all of it... as your daughter is that age... and realize it's gone... And it's gone. Watching the little girls skipping down the street, with there parents... ready to take everything on... reminding you... urging your Fatherly heart to just say something?

So many fathers saying they hate bringing up there teen daughters when all I could think about is just give me one chance to make a lovely difference...

My disorder has stolen alot from me... and the pain is great. I hope that anything I say can help you in anyway... for a least it gives something... that in this suffering, I did something useful...

I just hope it's so...