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Since English isn't my mother tongue, dyslexia is my enemy and I have the attention span of a goldfish.. My writing isn't going to be the best.. But I'll try to make some notes here for myself.
Dutches
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- May 2014
To live or not to live
   Tue May 20, 2014 6:18 pm

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To live or not to live

Permanent Linkby Dutches on Tue May 20, 2014 6:18 pm

I keep going between wanting to end my life because it's useless and empty and trying to make something out of it.

The thought of the future makes me cringe. Live is boring and dull and whatever I do, I can't seem to experience any joy out of it. Why live? This thought process gets the strongest when I feel negative emotions. Yet I'm only 20 and it seems like a waste.. And something in my head just screams 'NO' when I want to make a plan to actually kill myself. I don't know if that's fear or just my instinct. I'm still an absolute mess at analyzing how I feel.

The thought of getting a job and working for 40 years really gets me down... And I haven't even started yet, lol. Going through life as an empty shell is one thing, but actually doing something boring 8 hours everyday is another. Which is my problem, everything is boring.

This all sounds quite whiney, lol. Just get off your ass and go to work like everybody does eh?

Perhaps I just need to go on happy pills. Though I'm afraid that those will mess up my brain even more.


Now, I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make me happy

So instead of thinking, I just act before I have a chance to contemplate the consequence of action

Maybe this is all a part of my flawed design
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Re: To live or not to live

Permanent Linkby Strange Collage Guy on Fri Sep 05, 2014 7:36 am

Yeah, I had similar feelings as well. Its as if you felt you've been around longer than you actually were right? I sometimes don't know what to really make of certain feelings but maybe that's how things are.
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