I keep going between wanting to end my life because it's useless and empty and trying to make something out of it.
The thought of the future makes me cringe. Live is boring and dull and whatever I do, I can't seem to experience any joy out of it. Why live? This thought process gets the strongest when I feel negative emotions. Yet I'm only 20 and it seems like a waste.. And something in my head just screams 'NO' when I want to make a plan to actually kill myself. I don't know if that's fear or just my instinct. I'm still an absolute mess at analyzing how I feel.
The thought of getting a job and working for 40 years really gets me down... And I haven't even started yet, lol. Going through life as an empty shell is one thing, but actually doing something boring 8 hours everyday is another. Which is my problem, everything is boring.
This all sounds quite whiney, lol. Just get off your ass and go to work like everybody does eh?
Perhaps I just need to go on happy pills. Though I'm afraid that those will mess up my brain even more.