I keep going between wanting to end my life because it's useless and empty and trying to make something out of it.

The thought of the future makes me cringe. Live is boring and dull and whatever I do, I can't seem to experience any joy out of it. Why live? This thought process gets the strongest when I feel negative emotions. Yet I'm only 20 and it seems like a waste.. And something in my head just screams 'NO' when I want to make a plan to actually kill myself. I don't know if that's fear or just my instinct. I'm still an absolute mess at analyzing how I feel.

The thought of getting a job and working for 40 years really gets me down... And I haven't even started yet, lol. Going through life as an empty shell is one thing, but actually doing something boring 8 hours everyday is another. Which is my problem, everything is boring.

This all sounds quite whiney, lol. Just get off your ass and go to work like everybody does eh?

Perhaps I just need to go on happy pills. Though I'm afraid that those will mess up my brain even more.

Apperently my partner isn't going to die. The doctors have told him that he will live (for sure) because the cancer hasn't spread and it's only a small tumor... That's nice I guess.

Fun fact, I can be upset about my partner having cancer, but I can't be happy or relieved when I hear he will be fine. Oh it's lovely to have anhedonia. *cough*

No really, I was more worried about the fact that he might want to enjoy life more now and perhaps will search for another woman to do so. I sound like HPD/BPD.. Tho I miss the dramatic emotions.

My brain has no logic and I'm aware of it, awesome.

Perhaps I'm just retarded and I need a lot of time to realise that I got great news today and should be happy about it.. For now I'll just feel bored, irritated and strangely 'down/depressed'.

Lately I've been wondering if I've ever been another kind of person than what I am today. Confusion about what's real and what isn't.

For quite a while, I never realised how 'empty' I am I always thought I was like anybody else, tho I did notice some things like not feeling any joy when friends came to visit me.. Which was strange because in my 'fantasy' I loved the idea of having them over. I noticed I didn't connect to people but somehow I chose to ignore it and let myself believe that I had something like a 'crush' and a 'best friend'.. Nowadays I see that this was a delusion.. But was this my only one? Or have I been believing my own fake world for a much longer time.

I took a walk with my dog today. Something I do rarely, usually I just dump her in the garden, bluntly said. Getting out of bed is a drag. Putting on the leash is frustrating. My pup's happy and excited, and I just have to control myself not to give her a snarl. Not because I'd feel guilty if I did, but somehow I just know it's not 'right'. Walking her is annoying, since I'm a huge control freak. I like to walk her off leash when there are no cars around but I can't stand the fact that she ignores my commands. I'm constantly watching her, waiting for her to make a mistake.
Then I remember a time as a child, where I was playing outside at the same time of the year. The smell of flowers was delicious and the sun was warm on my face. Now I stil feel that sun but it doesn't reach me. The scent of flowers has become weak, almost not stimulating my nose at all. I'm not sure if that's because of my mindset, or because my sense of smell is going down the drain.
Vague memories of having 'fun'. Playing and fantasising, even singing like a lil disney child. Then resting in the grass with my dogs next to me. Just closing my eyes and being there in the moment.

Nowadays I still try to do this, but it feels like an act. Was it ever something else? Or was feeling things a fantasy of mine, even as a child. Did I ever have the capacity to be something real.. I don't know. And if I had, would I be able to ever get it back. Or am I just doomed to live an empty life and not even care about it.

I'm wondering why I haven't seen many people using this blog feature. Though thinking about it, I'm struggling quite a lot to write down my thoughts and feelings, so perhaps that's something other people can relate to.

Anyway, I might start using this once in a while, if want to make some notes..