PTSD is the belligerent twin we weren't born with and arrived uninvited.

First Impressions--Gatekeepers

When I got my new psychiatrist at the VA, I thought it would be the usual, report, sign in, vitals, and medication check off with his nurse. I was the gatekeeper for 7 different police commanders in succession. They called the job administrative assistant. It was crucial, to keep the job, that communication skills, would mature with my experience. I had lost most of what I gained due to a nervous breakdown.

So I ditty bopped in that first day, a bit apprehensive, just the greet and meet jitters. She was taking my weight, having already introduced herself, and asked me how I was doing. I'm a bit shy with people, especially on first meeting them. Head down looking at the digital scale, I mumbled, "fine and how are you?" Not hearing me, she let go a rather loud, "what did you say?"

There, my [mending] self esteem born shyness, had me already going from apprehensive to anxious. I replied, with more volume, "fine and how are you?" She said, "I'm o.k." Directed into her office, I was told to sit on her left. That positioned me at the back wall, with her in between myself and the closed door. More "what did you say", followed as my anxiety increased. My BP was high, and this short encounter, only became worse, when she withdrew into keyboarding with me sitting there. I mumbled, "can I leave?" Again, "what did you say!!!?" I asked again and she said, "yes you can go now."

I got up, put my jacket back on, and my first step towards the door, resulted in her throwing her upper body and both her arms in front of the computer screen. She enters vitals, was she reading my file? That took me to weird places. I arrived apprehensive, went to anxious, and now slipping into mild paranoia, had a seat in front of my psychiatrist, who turned out to be a nice guy. Yes, the gatekeeper has an important job, and in my case, she rattled me. It was me that opened that door though. I violated one of my own rules: Don't let others rent space in your head!

What A Crow Nation Indian Chief Taught Me

It was a hot summer day as I left the city driving home. The day's stress usually melted away during my drive to the country, which was as close as 30-45 minutes down the main highway, and then, roads with beautiful vistas. The last few days, in fact weeks, had been stress filled. I was avid in the art of denial, but the wall, that builds, is temporary. Imagine that, I was eager about denial, it gave way to all kinds of reckless behavior. It took me a very long time to learn that the only way out of pain, was through, and not around it. Stress and anxiety are killers. They chip away at you slowly, and stress reactions, whether they be self medicating, to control anxiety, sucking down carbs, or curling up in bed, are the easy fixes, that we pay for eventually. Depression generally precedes anxiety making it all the worse.

Did you ever have to light a fire under 2 neurons to get a thought going? Stress can do that, especially when it yields anxiety. This was one of those days. Some of my friends get why I have depression and anxiety, but I'll add that things at home were not domestically pleasant. I did nearly all the grocery shopping and cooking but that and other contributions were never enough. I also raised my four children like I was raised. My oldest John, Jr. is in heaven now, but we keep in touch. That's a whole other story, that goes on til this day. Back then, the situation at home was stressing them as well at times, and that was in my stress bag of rocks also, but I often thought of ways to help them. I would die for my kids and grandkids.

I noticed a yard sale while going down one of those vista filled roads. I passed it by, but then felt the urge to turn around and go back. I'm glad I did. It was a nifty little 3 acre farmstead with a brick ranch, and a rather large barn type garage. There were items outside but the garage revealed more. It was quite pleasant in there with some flute music playing, very clean, and an adjoining workshop tied it all together nicely. I was looking at some beautifully crafted flutes, when a man approached from the work shop and greeted me. He looked as though his rugged appearance was well earned, as though he was chiseled from granite, but soft spoken words revealed something more. I was commenting on the flutes which were crafted and finished. "Wow, these are nice!" I picked one up and he said, "I make them. That music is from them being played by my wife, daughter and I. I sell the tapes we made if you want one." It was 1982, and the $4 price on the tapes was well worth paying. The flutes, roughly 2 feet long +/- were priced at $80. My mortgage was $226/mo, and I just couldn't afford one. I didn't want to haggle over something, that a man had put his heart and soul into.

"Well, I know I'll take a tape. Stress has been kicking me lately real hard." He looked at me with a sincere expression. "I know about stress, I'm a Vietnam veteran." PTSD had just been accepted as a diagnosis in 1980, and he revealed that he had it. I revealed that I was a veteran also as we walked outside. "Thanks for the tape, I know it will help." He then said, "let's talk further about stress."

Outside he said, "let me teach you something, trust me, you will learn." I didn't trust many men at all, and still don't. There was something to learn here, I thought, besides I was packing a sidearm. Nervously, I said, "O.K." He then explained that he was a Chief of the Crow Indian Nation, that those flutes were made exactly as his forefathers made them, he was passing that down to his daughter, but what he was about to teach me from his ancestors, was old and revered. "I want you to stand here, look around and listen, noting what you hear and making a note of the number of things your hearing senses." I did that, and after about 2 minutes he said, "O.K., tell me what you heard."...

[ Continued ]

The Path

Somewhere but nowhere
Someone but no one
Sometimes but never
Some paths may lead to someone
Some paths lead to no one
Sometimes the first step
Leads to someone somewhere
Yes, the first step untaken
Leads to no one nowhere
I am waiting
I am hoping
I am on the path

When There Is No Place To Go

When I get sick or downright down about this world, I leave. I go in meditation to the Moon, sit there and look back at the Blue Pearl. It is so beautiful. If yet, there on the Moon, looking back at the beautiful Earth, the problems there are still bothering me, I go further away, until the Moon is gone and the Earth is but a speck.

There I ponder the Universe, its magnificence, and that tiny speck, grain of sand, Earth. I live on that grain of sand. Then pondering the universe, everything we know is in it, I often come to the conclusion, as small as I am, a tiny speck, within the Universe, I am special, we are special. Yes, we are people of light, special light from Eternal.

Hug your Light today! PEACE...EARTHSTRONAUTS!!!!!!