It has been over nine months since I last posted here, and a lot of $#%^ has gone down.

I ###$ up. Got sentenced to 32 months behind bars, followed by a years supervision following release. But here I am, out only 6 months. I've been tagged and will remain so for the remainder of my original sentence. "It's waterproof so you can still shower," yeah, thanks for being so considerate.

I lost my university position, lost my flat, lost my car. I can't get a job worth a $#%^ and my family want nothing more to do with me. I should be more bothered by all of that, but I'm not.

I have no idea what's going to happen now. I've never been one to make plans, but I've never been in a position where making plans if the idea took me made no sense. I'm glad to be left to my own devices, but the random police checks and $#%^ allowance I'm on because nobody wants to hire a guy with a tag is a irritating.

So I'm back to wasting my time on the internet most of the time, hence my return here.

Was it worth it? I don't know yet.

I wasted too much of my life pretending to be something I wasn’t.

But I guess we are what we believe we are – or what we are told we are – at given times. A few years ago I was reluctant to admit, as most adults are, that the child within was still there, occasionally appearing to laugh at me, what I’d become. I spent so long just playing a role for the benefit of others, even people I didn’t really care about. I was no longer me, I was a character I had created, and what made it worse was that I knew my friends and family loved this character more than the real me. The real me was a torture-murder obsessed, sexual sadist, so it’s quite hard to defend.

I began to question what I was doing with my life, what I really believed in. If I knew, would I announce it? I’ve never been able to take any form of religion seriously and I’ve never been too fond of people either. At the age of 21 I had a complete mental break down which resulted in a half-hearted suicide attempt, followed by two arrests – these three events happened in the space of one month. I lost a substantial amount of weight and at one point I was drinking several bottles of wine most days, while drunkenly ranting about conspiracy theories. My parents moved to get be sectioned, and failed. After I lost my job for fighting with my manager, I had to live out of my car before being convinced to move back to my mothers.

At this stage in the story, I feel it would be fitting for me to say ‘At the age of 22, thanks to friends and family…’ or ‘when I turned 22 I met the woman of my dreams who saved me from myself.’ but that’s not how this goes.

On my 22nd birthday I met a woman who ticked all my boxes. She was a tall, pale redhead with blue eyes and was, I would soon find out, a part-time model. We traded numbers and I would later meet up with her in the hopes of getting laid. Instead, I found myself buying her dinning and ending the night with nothing more than a kiss. This was very unlike me. By the end of the month we were going out and she had accepted my brushes with the law, coming to all the court dates with me. I would soon find out over the course of our half-a-year ‘relationship’ that she was a manipulative, bulimic nutcase, who once scratched me so hard that she scarred my neck. One night, after a drunken argument, she attacked me one too many times and I slapped her, as hard as I could. I ended the relationship and thereafter followed what I can only call a tidal wave of threats from her friends and family. She had a long string of boyfriends in the preceding months, all of home I received death threats from. When she burned my only suit, which I’d kept at hers and needed for court, I went to confront her and she called the police saying I had attempted to rape her. Nothing came of it, and I have avoided her since.

I remember one night after a party I encountered one of her boyfriends and, being as off my face on coke as I was, I thought nothing of my probation and attacked him. Luckily, I had went to college with one of the bouncers at the bar and he hauled me inside and chased the other guy away. I then made a complete arse of myself at the bar, shouting and swearing the patrons, before being bundled into a taxi by the bouncer. I’ve not been back.

When I turned 23 I moved in with another University student and it lasted almost 8 months before I threatened to kill him. He called the police and the tenancy was prematurely ended. The Police, of course, couldn’t do anything with no evidence, but my court appointed social worker was called and I was ‘persuaded’ to attend anger management. I didn’t turn up to the appointment and it was never brought up again.

Today, I am typing this knowing that the police will arrive at my door to arrest me for breeching my order tomorrow. I’ve never done time, and I’ve lost contact with most of my family and nearly all of my friends. Going away will end my time at University, and likely remove my chances of returning in futu...

[ Continued ]

Collapse under your conflicts, pray you'll find humanity.
Don't be tenacious, you may just live another day.
Surrender to a world of servitude, of decay.
You want your independence? You'll have to find another way.
You are all contaminated, by ideology and freedoms.
Listen closely now, my friend, it's not reasonable to reason.
Bow down to the wicked, it's your only chance here now.
Compliance is for the acquitted, ever watchful, the devil smiles.
Perverse love and devotion, just string around a finger.
Remain dazed and indifferent, like smoke, loyalty lingers.
It's so much easier to yield.

I was speaking to a Bulgarian student today after a lecture. He was going on about how the UK is so fair with its free NHS, its fantastic education and free meals for kids. He was so taken aback by the fairness of my country.

I found myself getting uncharacteristically angry. Having been born and raised here, I find that one of the most prominent things about this country is how is keeps its poor poor and its rich rich. The poor who are caught committing benefit fraud are fined, jailed and demonised as scum, while the rich bail out their banks with the taxpayer’s money.

More than half of the House of Commons was ordered to repay a total of £1.1million to the taxpayer that they stole. MPs claimed a record £95.6 million between them in expenses in 2008 and 2009. MPs were charging the taxpayer £151,000 each in some cases, but that was quickly forgotten wasn't it?

Inflation alone has the poorest people losing on average £83 a year, and that increases for the most vulnerable; our pensioners. The banks are still handing out ridiculous bonuses to the rich, despite all the cuts that we have had to deal with because of all the bailouts. All the lying, cheating and stealing that our government does. Even the cost of the goddamn war is hundreds of billions of pounds, and that’s not including the troop’s salaries.

The education of kids in this country has also plummeted, we used to be one of the statistically highest achieving countries in the world, but we've slid considerably down that scale and we will continue to slide. Why? Because it’s easier to control a stupid flock who don’t ask too many questions.

Why has all this been swept under the rug? The brain-dead rubbish that is fettered out by the media and entertainment industry is pumping the people full of inane drivel and it’s a fantastic distraction from the real issues. The talentless, famous-for-being-famous trash that rule the minds of the people thanks to mainstream media is what gets the attention – it never fails to disgust me how little the people around me know of the corruption running ramped in our country.

Some people tell me I complain too much. That I need to ‘chill out’, while they watch their TV shows. They've been working all they, they don’t want to hear me moaning about the government again. They just want to relax and find out whose pregnant and whose getting fat.

I hate this ######6 system.

I had a review with my social worker today and had my wrist slapped for missing another day of community service. If I get strike three I’ll get a court summons, so I'm feeling quite aggravated that I will absolutely have to attend every other day, no excuses. I am, fortunately, half way through the order, less than 100 hours left.

The contrast is so surreal, it’s almost like stepping between two worlds. Monday to Friday I go to lectures, occasionally having drinks and rounds of pool with people who know nothing about me. Then, on Saturdays and Sundays I spend six hours each day doing mundane labour jobs in a run-down area with a squad of ever-changing criminals. Funnily enough, the squadies are far better company than the pretentious middle-class-wannabes at the university.

Last Sunday there was a new guy on the squad, but he was well known to the supervising officers and to a few of the regular guys. Everything about him was extreme, the way he spoke, the way he walked, the way he carried himself. He was so loud and full of life and so aggressive, so overly friendly while at the same time impressively intimidating. When he spoke to you, he always leaned in very close to your face. He never blinked when addressing you. As I watched him, I realised that he was the type of guy that the students I spend five days a week with would call ‘scum’. The type of guy that would be mocked for wearing a tracksuit and for being so obnoxiously loud. The type of ‘lowlife’ who boasted about all the drugs he dabbled in, of all the people he'd shanked. But I also realised, to my surprise, that I preferred his company to theirs. He was real. The students would turn their noses up at anyone who seemed ‘too common’. Not all of them of course, but a number come to mind.

This new perspective has me wondering if I'm wasting my time doing what I'm doing. I know it’s only for a few more years until I graduate and then everything will be different. Still, it’s always on my mind. These two worlds I live in. I've genuinely surprised myself with which one I feel more comfortable in.