All day I have him talking to me in my head. Telling me how I wanted it, how I liked it, how I asked for it. It's my fault. A part of me tells me this and the worst bit is I still believe it, after all this time I believe every word he said.
I've just came back from holiday and it was nice until it came to sex, I'm still not good in that area. It makes me feel disgusting and wrong. Even worse if I actually enjoy it. I did on holiday, I did the rare thing of a female ejaculation and I felt awful and now all day long I have him telling me how I enjoyed everything he did because I came for him. I know I enjoyed it with my boyfriend but I didn't want it with my uncle, I told him to stop a few times but he was too strong for me. And while I hear him in my head all I can think is someone please stop this, please just make him stop, I can't handle this any more. It's making my happy time go down hill a bit which isn't nice but most of the time I try to ignore it.
Inside I'm crying, inside I'm screaming, inside I'm fighting. But outside I'm... me. I want to talk to him, I want to tell him that it wasn't right. Tell him he's made me so insecure and that I've tried everything to make him stop, I am now obese as the futile attempts that if I am fat he will find me as disgusting as I find myself. It didn't work and now I try to be healthy and lose weight I really struggle.
I just wish he wasn't in my head any more, I wish I could leave him behind instead of carrying him with me.

Okay, missing this much Sertraline has really screwed me up. I'm on 200mg a day and I haven't taken them all week as I have been up to the hospital so much to see my boyfriend I've just totally forgot them. The side effects suck. Every time I move I think I'm going to faint, I feel really sick. I'm such an idiot. I should be able to take my own meds properly!
I don't even know why I'm still on them. I'm on a happy period. But I know if I come off them I'll want to kill myself again. But I get that way even though I'm still on them. Not long ago I wanted to die and was seriously contemplating it. I just wish they'd either work all the time or I'd be fine without them.

Okay things went well I guess, no crying or panicking... just relentless flashbacks. Not nice, I had to keep reminding myself I was at home and safe and all was okay, he wasn't there.
As it went away and I felt better I watched the last house on the left. Not a great film to watch after feeling that way, watching her getting raped even though I know it's just a movie just sent more flashbacks my way. My mum could see I wasn't right but I made myself laugh at the end when he microwaved his brains and his head exploded. That was cool.
When they were doing the whole killing the bad guys bit I was rooting for them with such ferocity that I was almost shouting at the screen "KILL THEM, THEY'RE SCUM!" but I didn't. I felt like it was justice for her. For all that they did to her they should die but I know that's wrong. In my world everyone deserves a second chance and usually more.

How strange that I just start a blog on blog-spot and now I have a blog on here too! I think this is a great setting to have though, it saves the random moaning I want to do, I seem forums more for where to find answers but I really want to just share I guess. Or just get all these annoying thoughts out my head.
Things haven't been great for the past few days, my memories have been buzzing around in my head and I'm trying to work through it. My fiancé is coming home from hospital for a little while today and he asked for oral sex. So due to how I have been feeling this will be tough but I think that maybe if I perform sexual acts at times like these them maybe the negative feelings about it will go away? I love my fiancé very much and I do have sexual urges but sex just feels wrong after everything that has happened. He says we should talk about what happened more, I can through texting or writing or typing but face to face the shame is there for him to see, I feel too vulnerable. At least when we text there is that space between us and I can pretend it never happened. I want to give these things a try for him mainly I wont lie about that. I just don't want to push myself too far and end up crying and panicking.
If only I had the answers. I'm feeling a little better today than I have the past two days which is nice, the momentum in my head seems to be slowing, I think my dad is worried about me though. He's noticed I'm not eating, drinking or sleeping properly and calls me everyday to ask how I am. He's so happy I've stopped self harming though. It made him cry, I hated to see him hurting like that but if I didn't use that to cope I would have killed myself, that I am sure of. Now I am past the worst of things I am not sure what to do with my suicide box, I keep my razors for comfort for the future but 45 paracetamol? Not sure what to do.
Anyway he's home now so I'm going to go spend some time with him and see how things roll.

PEACE OUT!!

Amber XxX