It feels like I'm spending less time close to the Edge. At least I hope I am.

It is not a physical thing, but rather the boundary I have come to recognize, in my mind, my emotions. Its the line in the sand, the point of the hill where you can't climb back up from. And it isn't singular; there are several and each has it's own emotional and physical pains.

The edge I most frequently cross is that of Spiraling; another word I give special connotations to. Years before I knew the terms for any bipolar issues I knew this. When things are decent, my thoughts flow in a line I can follow and not fear, from one topic to the next. And I don't notice that my pattern of thoughts is slipping before it begins.

Frequently my inner monologue will be harshly self critical, overly focused on my mistakes and flaws. Spiraling is the name I give to the patter of thoughts and emotions that doesn't move past that. At these times I hate every aspect of 'me'.

The painful thoughts and feeling repeat themselves instead of being replaced with anything new. Where instead of moving forward, my mind loops back to the first depressive, self-hating moments. And each time the loop replays it gets more intense, harder to ignore, more hurtful. Each repeating loop gets ever faster and harder to break out of. Spiraling down.

This pattern leads the the next Edge. The emotional pain of spiraling down easily grows more intense. There are times when the hateful thoughts and painful memories crush me down for hours on end, draining away any energy I had before.

When the energy doesn't drain away is when I know I'm nearing that next Edge. The part where it gets physical. Where the frantic speed of these emotions and memories is matched by a frantic energy. This second edge is where I self-harm.

I hate how much part of me is drawn towards self-harming. I hate the scars.

As bad as the build up is from crossing the first Edge to the second, what's almost worse are the moments where an otherwise happy 'me' will slip straight toward self-harming again. It creeps up seemingly on its own, and is hard to suppress.

Then there is that third Edge, that of suicide ideations and behaviors. While this edge isn't one I usually get close to without noticing, it is by far the scariest. There have been many situations that where simply dangerous coincidences, some arising from being in a military environment. I am not ready to deal with these memories yet, I simply hope to not gain new ones.


That went on for quite longer than I had thought it would. While it will likely go unnoticed being placed here, I still wish to again express my gratitude to the people I have spoken with on this site, and to the other few people who have given their support. They have helped me hold back from the edge near countless times now, and in some cases have talked me down from my suicidal states. I owe them so much.

This includes my dr here, who happens to one of the handful of military people I can almost trust. I feel rather lucky to have the psychiatrist I do; he's always ready to answer any burning questions or frantic phone calls I have to throw at him.

The current meds seem to be the best so far. Have had some days where almost no thoughts of bipolar issues, self-harm, or suicide ideations have crossed my mind.

Maybe it's more than I deserve, but I hope to spend more time away from the Edge.

-faithless