background info- my kid brother and I have different fathers, and our mother is married to neither of them; she is with a bf that she has been seeing for about the past 8 years. He has kids of his own, though I know nothing about them.

I've never worked up the nerve to ask my mom about my bio-dad, but finally did a few months ago. She said that while he was a good man, employed, well liked, sociable, home-owning, and never cheated/etc, and that she broke up with him when I was about 2.

She said it was because "I didn't want to share you with him"

I've never felt so hurt and betrayed and lost. I was so terribly sad that I cut a few times that night, and so horribly angry at her that it scared me.

She took 2 f-ing DECADES of time away from me, time I could have know what it would have been like to have a dad. The whole time I thought it was my fault he wasn't there and I hated myself so very much for it.

This tears me up so bad I still can't handle it, just thinking about this again makes me want to reach for a razor.

So I've only been able to look into the situation from a cold, clinical perspective, because anything else hurts to much to think.

I tracked him down, got his phone number. I've called many times, but he never answered.

Then, last weekend I tried calling, and his [new] wife answered. She said that he knew about me trying to reach him, but that he couldn't/ didn't want to talk with me yet.

His wife told me that they have a young daughter, who doesn't know anything about my mother, and that mess.

I feel so terrible for bothering them. It feels so unforgivably selfish for me to want to stir up 20 year old histories, and possibly mess with the stability of that family, just because of what I want

Before, I knew nothing of the situation, just great loneliness and self-loathing. I thought I could fix that by finding out, but it has left me feeling so much worse

At this point I feel that I'm just inflicting my company upon people. That I have no where to call home. It makes me want to disappear