Well, I'm in one of my happy episodes. I've just donated $500 to WWF. Donating to charity makes me feel really good! Its odd, when the seasons change I tend to be in a completely different mood? I think that's just my mood disorder NOS kicking in. My husband and I rented Django Unchained, it was awesome! I love Quentin Tarantino, he's damn right awesome!

Being happy has its benefits, everything that would usually make me feel like $#%^ no longer does. I've been spending a lot of time talking to my psychiatrist about ways to deal with my deep feelings of emptiness. I've found things like extra long bare hugs with my husband! Just general intimacy, since same-sex marriage isn't legal in Hawaii I've had to move to Maryland with my husband, and it's a very accepting place to live in. In the past I'd feel very empty when I'm being discriminated against, I don't get that here its great!

Happiness is great, it feels like you're on top of the World and you can do anything! Absolutely anything! I wish everyone well who is enjoying summer! There's nothing like feeling happy and listening to your favourite music (Falling in Reverse, My Chemical Romance and Elliot Smith God rest his soul).

On Sunday night my anger got the best of me to an extremely depressing point. I was having a nightmare of my closest friends telling me that they hate me and they never want to see me again. All of them leave, then I awoke screaming. My heart was pounding extremely fast, I was extremely angry I picked up my bedside lamp and hit my cat three times repeatedly, blood was all over of me I then cried uncontrollably, my anger left for a brief few minutes then I came quickly to rage due to my recent outburst. I felt extremely overwhelmed with guilt and I cried while holding my cat Tangly she was called.

I've not had an out of control rage like this for a while, it's a shame that my nightmares return. Just as I'm typing this now I feel a great darkness and emptiness coming over me. I feel terribly worthless, I know I will feel very different randomly in the future but I don't feel the hope, the hope has left me. All I can do is document the problems that I face, tell my psychiatrist and feel like I'm stuck in this land that I CAN'T GET OUT OF! My future is blank, I feel so much guilt and remorse, yet I feel completely empty, literally empty. I need to do something that will help me, but there is nothing.