I was at work yesterday, and suddenly realized I was really depressed; and I think it may have had something to do with the disjunct between the self I present to the world and the self that is me. I don’t think it’s existential; it passed relatively quickly. I hope it’s not a taste of things to come. I know that when I got off work, I was feeling so damned girly. I went to Walmart for a few groceries; and I couldn’t resist wandering through the jewelry section. I would like to have found something inexpensive and girly to wear around the apartment. Unfortunately, I was seen by two people who know me; so, I had to wander out again in short order.

When I was going through the checkout line, a casual acquaintance said Hello. This guy is a gay man who, several years ago, was my supervisor at work. He left the business soon after I was hired; but I stayed in contact with him for awhile, learning some things about gardening. Like others who have known me over the years, I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m gay and in the closet, even to myself. Little does he know, lol. Yes, I’m gay, but not in the way you think, sweetie. I’m a gay *woman*.

Is there something girly that a man – without breasts – can wear, and not look ridiculous? I want to wear a skirt, or a dress, that will twirl when I turn. I may have mentioned it already, but I saw a dress the other day that I covet. Trouble is, it’s a little girl’s dress. If they made it in my size, I think I’d find a way to buy it. I love it.

Money has been really tight recently. For several days, I was basically penniless. My usual practice is to keep a stash of cash handy for emergencies; but I had to use that for something unexpected, and it left me broke. I got paid a few days ago, and it was good.

At my job, I spend extended periods alone, with limited fear of interruption. I find that, when I enter one of these periods, my inner girl comes out to play. I start gliding gracefully around the office, and it just feels so good. Did I mention that I’m on camera? Lol, Goddess, I hope they never review the footage.

I’ve been working on my handwriting. It seemed a little forced at first; then, suddenly, it started to flow. The transition isn’t anywhere near complete; but, when writing like a girl becomes natural, that will be huge.

The word “girl” is so empowering. I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t been where I am can really appreciate that. I see women in public who obviously take their womanhood for granted. They should have to take a trip through my life to learn to appreciate what they have.

Thought of something funny the other day, regarding breast implants. Women sometimes refer to their breasts as “the girls.” When you’re born with them, they’re natural girls; when you get them from surgery, they’re adopted. “Are those natural?” “No, they’re adopted.”

Yesterday, one of my co-workers was dealing with a client when I passed by her desk. The client was male, but his nails were painted with purple nail polish with sparkles. I was intrigued and stopped and entered the conversation. I wondered at the time if he was picking up on my interest and interpreting it the way gay men have interpreted me before; I wouldn’t be surprised. After he had gone, I asked my co-worker if he was gay, a cross-dresser or a transwoman. She told me that he was having the surgery next month. She said that she had seen pictures of him “as a woman,” and he was stunning. That’s kind of sweet. I’d like to have seen them.

I have a cat that’s 21 years old. She’s a bitch at times, but I love her. Cats and lesbians go together; don’t you think? I’m terrified of what will happen when she dies. Truly. I’m scared. I have no idea how it’s going to affect me, but I intuit that it won’t be pretty. I suspect she’s diabetic, because she drinks a lot more than she used to; but there’s not much I can do about it. She’ll endure until she doesn’t. In some ways, I think she’s a better person than I am; of course, in others, she’s clearly not (the bitch). I wish life could be as simple for me as it seems to be for her.

One of the reasons that I’m not enthusiastic about cross-dressing is that I know I’ll look ridiculous. That’s not a self-image issue; that’s simple reality. I have a male body. If there were something girly that I could wear that wouldn’t make me look like a circus clown, I would run to buy it. If anyone has a suggestion, please, fill me in. When I have lost the weight I need to lose, I’m planning on putting together several somewhat androgynous outfits that will not commit me, but will make certain people curious. Of course, in the best of worlds, I would wear beautiful dresses and heels – I am a lipstick lesbian, after all; the androgynous sort is not me,but what I’m attracted to. But if I want to express myself without committing societal suicide, I must work with what’s available.