After embracing my inner girl, something I noticed right away was the feeling of freedom that accompanied feminine expression. Some of this came unbidden; for example, I would catch myself moving in a girly way without conscious intent. I admit that I have had some concern about how this kind of behavior is going to affect my personal relationships – because, although I spend a great deal of time alone, I know that sooner or later I’m going to out myself whether I intend to or not. And that does scare me.

At the same time, however, I don’t think I can prevent it. I’m trying to do what I can to consciously help my inner girl to emerge, to speed up the process; and, as part of this effort, I have been working on acquiring a feminine walk. (It’s amazing what you can find on the internet.) And I’ve had some success, much to my surprise. It feels a little awkward, doing what I have to do to lower my center of gravity; but I think that, in time, it will become second nature. It feels so right. In fact, everything girly feels right. I’ve found that it’s hard to resist doing it, even when I must risk getting caught. Due to the weather here, I’ve been wearing a long lightweight overcoat; and when I turn it whirls like a skirt – what a delicious thrill.

My plans for dressing up at home are on hold until I lose some weight. Maybe that’s a good thing; maybe I’m in danger of going too fast. I can still get started on the knitting project, though. As part of my weight loss program, I’ll be doing a lot of walking, which will give me lots of practice with my lower center of gravity. There is no way I can avoid being seen. Oh, well. By sometime next week, there will be people out there who will be convinced that I’m gay. Won’t be the first time.

Speaking of dresses, I find myself occasionally reacting to women’s clothing in a way I’ve never done before. I was at Walmart several days ago and happened to pass by a rack of dresses, and this particular dress just seemed fabulous. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a kid’s dress; but I wouldn’t have had the courage to buy it, anyway. A few days ago, I picked up a magazine with the picture of a woman on the cover. She was not unattractive, but not particularly attractive, either. But, OMG, her dress was to die for. The more I looked at it, the more I liked it and wished I could wear it.

I know I must sound like a budding cross-dresser, but I have no desire to leave the house in anything but male clothing – at least, what can be seen by others. Women’s clothes may have been made for me, but they haven’t been made for this body. I just think wearing some things at home might help me open up more easily.

I tried shaving body hair this week using an ordinary hand-held razor, with indifferent success. So, I bought an inexpensive electric razor; and, can you believe it, it performed worse. I think I’m going to have to buy a hair-removal device. The Silk’n SensEpil was recommended to me; but, OMG, it’s expensive.

I wonder how long before this double life explodes in my face. Like I have a choice.

And now for something completely different …

Something wonderful happened this morning. It has nothing to do with me and my inner girl; it has to do with divine providence. So, all you folks who think religion is a mental illness, you can stop reading now.

If my deposits to my bank fall below a certain threshold, I am levied a service charge of 8.00 when my statement comes out. I realized just this morning that my statement is coming out on Monday and I am probably going to get a service charge. I had enough money in the bank to cover my check to my tax preparer with 88 cents to spare – in other words, if the service charge and the check were to both hit before I get paid, the check would bounce and I’d be in trouble with my tax preparer, which would not be good at all.

I needed 7.13 to cover everything and leave a 1-cent balance in the account. (I learned years ago that a zero balance closes the account.) Scrounging the apartment, I found seven dollars in bills, two pennies, a dime and three quarters – so, all I had to do was get to the bank before it closed at noon. However, I wanted to deposit exactly 7.13. I wanted to keep at least two of those quarters so that I could buy a soda during my break at work; I usually buy two, but one was better than nothing. And, in addition, there was something very pleasing about covering my obligations with only a penny to spare.

There was no additional money to be found in the apartment; so, I left the amount of my deposit on my deposit slip blank and left the house. If I had to, I would deposit one of the quarters. But, it occurred to me that I just might find a penny on the ground somewhere between my door and the bank.

I walked out my door, looked down in the cedar chips and saw a penny. Then I saw another penny. Then I saw a quarter.

One of the pennies was so badly corroded that it was arguably unrecognizable. The other penny, however, was OK. So, I had my 7.13 and my 1-cent balance – AND I had a dollar with which to buy my usual two sodas at work.

I really love it when things like this happen. Sometimes events are too coincidental to be coincidence, and that’s how I view these. The penny would have been enough; but the quarter was special. The quarter, which will enable me to do what I usually do at work, was a special gift from a loving deity – not because I needed it, but just because She loves me. Loving parents sometimes do things like that for their kids.

on the deposit- it's nice when things work out like that!