It was several years ago that I realized that I wanted to be a woman, but a woman who loved women. Naturally, I considered the possibility that I was a “male lesbian,” and, because I shared a number of the characteristics, I decided that this is what I was.

The reality may be more complex. You see, to me, male lesbianism is acquired rather than inborn; it is the response by a heterosexual male with a certain kind of personality to being unsuccessful in realizing his goals in our society. However, I came to suspect, and now believe, that there is something inborn about my desire to be a woman.

As I mentioned in my first blog post, I believe in reincarnation; and my current hypothesis is that I am a feminine soul born into a male body. Some cultures believe that souls have fixed genders; others believe they have no gender; and still others believe they experience both genders, working toward an eventual transcendence of both. Among these last are those who believe that a soul who has incarnated mostly into one sex can therefore have a preference to incarnating into that sex; i.e., a soul who has incarnated more as a woman may have a preference for expressing itself as a woman.

The purpose of reincarnation being to mature and advance toward the eventual transcendence of gender, a soul who has a marked preference for one needs to incarnate as the other in order to learn to appreciate its virtues, to help it embrace them, too.

I suspect this is what has happened to me. I suspect I am a soul which prefers being female and have incarnated this time as a male in order to help me grow.

Lee Schubert has written a nice article in the Huffington Post about being a woman in a man’s body, explaining that he is content not to dress as a woman or to undergo surgery because he is already a woman, albeit one inhabiting a male body. My own view is a bit different. I have no desire to dress as a woman because I would be hideous as a woman, because I would turn my life upside-down and because I don’t need to. This is not, as Lee says, because I am already a woman; no, the truth is bit subtler than that. I am both. The body and the soul are not separate; they influence each other and shape each other. Although, under my hypothesis, I have a feminine soul and a marked preference for being a woman, I am inhabiting a male body and that body and its drives and experiences color the eternal me, my soul.

I suspect this coloring is going to take a number of lifetimes before it tames the woman inside me. The urge to be female – that is, to express my female self -- is strong. I have asked my deity for help in letting this self out, and I believe such help is already at work, undoubtedly at a decidedly slower pace than I would like.

I received a private message from someone going to great length about how autogynephilia – sexual arousal that comes from imagining oneself as a woman – is really an emasculation fetish. I have no way of knowing, but the literature he sent me presents a seemingly reasonable argument. Actually, I considered early on whether my infatuation with being a woman was a fetish – an emotional, rather than a sexual fetish, if such a thing exists – and concluded that it was not. As for the other, imagining myself as a woman never aroused me. It did bring me joy and a deep sense of peace. Those few times I imagined myself having a sexual encounter (with another woman), the vision of my own female body did nothing for me, while my vision of my partner did. For this reason, I concluded that I am not an autogynephile.

I did have an interesting experience this week, reading a piece of lesbian erotica. As I visualized the lovers in the story, I kept switching back and forth in which of them I wanted to identify with. I did experience arousal at the image of myself being pleasured by my partner; but I think this is something altogether different from autogynephilia.

Something else occurred this week. Many years ago, I was a fan of social nudity, or “naturism.” I enjoyed being naked at home occasionally, and with others a few times. This was completely non-erotic; anyone who has practiced either naturism or nudism will confirm that. Many people find being nude a stress reliever. Many find that by shedding their clothes they are also shedding their superficial problems, and that by being nude with others they facilitate relating to them more as their “true selves.”

Now, I’m not an idiot; if mankind could solve all its problems simply by taking its clothes off, we’d all be running around in the nude today already. But that bit about manifesting one’s true self – I think there’s something to that. Taking off one’s clothes can be like dropping a façade, showing one’s true face. And I think that’s why, several days ago, after a break of many years, I suddenly started being nude at home again. It just felt like the thing to do. And I think the reason for this is that I am dropping another façade, a more difficult façade; and by physically practicing nudism at home I am helping my psyche strip away the façade it has been wearing for most of my life.

Now, I won’t deny that there is a certain sensuallity in being nude. It’s a complex experience. And, sexuality and sensuality, while not the same thing, are not unconnected. So, while nudism isn’t inherently sexual, sexuality can bleed over into it; and that has happened some this week. Nevertheless, I still maintain that this is not primarily a sexual experience.

In conclusion, I guess I should say that I don’t know what to call myself, because it depends somewhat on what self it being talked about. My soul is feminine; so, if you’re talking about my soul, then I’m a girl. My body is male; so, if you’re talking about my body, I’m a guy. If you’re talking about both together, then -- ? Am I a male lesbian or a transgendered woman? I think perhaps both labels fall short.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should report that I have taken three on-line tests this past week or so, and all three of them say I’m androgynous. One reported that my female aspect was the strongest of the three (male, female, androgyne), while another reported that I seem to interact with others in a female way. But all three classified me as androgynous. I have not said anything about the way I was raised. That’s a subject for another post. Suffice to say, I was emotionally brutalized by one of my parents, and my desires and interests were slam-dunked rather than encouraged. I have been repressed in many ways for my entire life. As an emerging self, I suspect the androgyny is merely temporary. But we’ll see.

What a fascinating blog post!

I had to laugh at the idea of autogynephilia being an emasculation fetish- I've considered myself to have experienced that, but cutting anything off had been the furthest thing from my mind- in fact for a long time, I felt I wanted the shape and breasts of a woman, but unchanged below. For long that is how I saw the inner me. Lately, I don't know- I seem to switch between feeling I should be all woman, or feeling more completely male than ever before. My possible DID might have something to do with that- so far I have become aware of two alters, both of whom are female. Whether this is DID or some other mental gymnastic, it's almost as if it's freed me up to feel a little more relaxed in my current form.

I like the way you put it, and that's as close as any description to how I feel- a feminine soul who just happens to be in a male body. Not the shell I might have preferred, but it's a shell- and while I can't help be affected by genetics, hormones, etc- the hardware- my firmware is female...