I don't believe in god or religion, so I suppose I surrender to my unconscious. It's been trying to tell me something for a long time, through flash backs, dreams, and images of death. I have tried thinking about it and dealing with it in numerous ways. I keep treading down this spiral of chais and feel like I am being torn a part.

So I surrender. Whatever happens...happens. I'm done.

I've been so absorbed with traumatic memories and nightmares lately, the dissociation has been very bad. I'll spend hours at a time, doing nothing--just hiding under a blanket or crying.

So, I let my therapist know that I'm not doing well and suggested that I register for the partial program.

I don't know if I'm sliding backwards, or if I'm moving forward, since I recognized a need and didn't jump to any conclusions.

Either way, I start tomorrow.

I was asking questions about dissociation and sharing my experience with daily amnesia. He asked who would be taking over. I wasn't sure. So he asked me to describe how I felt when I realize I've been elsewhere. I described it, then added, "not to sound cliche, but I feel like a different person."

Our eyes made contact and we both burst out laughing. How silly that must've sounded knowing I have DID! lol

[quote="AltCtrlDel"]Imagine that time is a wave. When the wave hits certain points across the spectrum, I am aware. On other parts of the spectrum, others are aware. If the time wave is long, I have longer gaps of awareness and longer gaps of memory loss. If the wave is short, I have quicker, more frequent gaps.

*trigger warning*

I live my life in increments of minutes, hours, days, sometimes weeks. But my life is filled with all of these holes.

People greet me and say they know me, but I don't know who they are. An assignment is due, and I lost the five days before the assignment so I have to put it together in a rush.

I can't make up my mind about anything. Do I pursue cognitive neuroscience or wild life rehabilitation? Or art or astrophysics? Every alt has their own desires and reasons.

I don't recognize myself in the mirror or photographs. I don't even know who I am sometimes, or what I want.

I don't know how to function like this. This is my every day life.[/quote]

I minimize situations, experiences, feelings, emergencies, and compliments.

I understand exaggeration, because some people do that to get their point across.

What does minimizing do? It trivializes my life and demeans me as a person, so why do I do this? Is it self-defeating behavior, low self-esteem, introjections, or the like? I just would like to accept an achievement or a compliment without taking away whatever sense of pride I should have. I'm tired of shrugging off all the good things in my life. I deserve better treatment than how I treat myself.