Well it finally happened.
My room mate (son's father) is leaving because he 'can't handel living with me' mean while his issues are:
- depression
- insomnia
- low self esteme (because he's not the 'man' of the house, and my son won't call him 'Daddy')
- in ability to maintain a job (not even going to work bc he's sleeping all the time)
- he's a slovenly pig (I clean the house and he trashes it despite my telling him not to, I've even packed up all the dishes because he refuses to was up after himself)

He said it's all my fault. That I don't care about him and I treat him like sh*t. That I'm always raging and he can't even talk to me. He said he's affraid to eat the food because he thinks I'm gonna poisin him (I said I'd more likey stab you than poisin you- my rage is lowd and in your face- not silent [I know that, he said, I can see that. I see it all the time when my son's not here] but basically he's affraid of me). He said he isn't making enough money here, and that our house is a mess.

I told him that the house is a mess because I absolutely refuse to clean up his sh*t one more time. I'm not his wife or his mother. I'm not gonna cook for him, clean for him, or kiss his insecure @ss when he does nothing for me.

It's this whole machismo Latin male BS. When we were together (years ago) he was the focus of my world and I'd have done anything for him. I'd have died for him at that time and we were very much love. As is typical for me, I placed him on a pedestal, and worshiped him in my love for him.

Now, I don't love him- that dynamic has changed. Not because I've changed; but because he is not the object of my affection, and therefore I have nothing for him and he's my equal (not superioir) if not lesser.

That's pretty standard for me actually. The men I love are everything to me when we're together, and nothing to me when we're not.

So this shift in 'his' role and my idealization of him was probably a big slap in the face. I'm sure he expected our relationship to be everything it once was, and for him to step into this 'family' (me and my son) and take the lead as father and provider.

That didn't happen. He barely knows his son (gone for 8 years with no contact- until October of 2009) and their relationship is developing, but not parental in any way. If he tells my son to do something, my son will ask me if he has to or should. That bothers Alex a lot. My son favors me to him, and that bothers him a lot. The 2 of them are supposed to be sharing a bed room, and my son sleeps with me in my room- that bothers him a lot.

My son and I are VERY CLOSE- he is my life and reason for living. We understand each other and we have the most undying love for each other- it's like nothing I've known before in my life. Because we are such bonded friends, companions along with the classic mother/child relationship- it's all the harder for Alex who is essentially an outsider trying to come into our family unit. We TRIED to include him 'our world' and have begged him (my son begged) to come with us on our outings and join us in our games and movies; but he refuses. I think it may hurt Alex to see me and my son so close and him sitting on the side lines. Itold him if he wanted to be a part of the family, he had to family things with us and then my sone would look at him differently because he in fact being a part of our world.

Alex can't suck it up though.. He can't swallow his pride and be a part of the family if he's not the head of it. Is that a Latino thing, or just general pigheadedness- I'm not sure. Whatever it is- it's pretty much what screwed him in the end. I have no respect for someone who has no respect for me.

He's constantly trying to make me see his ways, his views, his opinions, and anything I don't disagree with is apparently my 'lunacy' kicking in I'm being unreasonable and unrational if I don't agree with him... It truly is retarded!

So he blames me for being impossible to live with. After I already told him he needs to pay his rent on time, he owes me $200.00 I leant him during a period of time when he off work, he needs to clean up his own messes, buy his own food (stop eating the kids stuff all the time, or replace it if he eats it & he doesn't), stop taking my car in the middle of the night, stop stealing my ciggarettes, stop moving all my stuff around without telling me or remembering where he put things, get up off his butt and be a part of the family, not just lay around the house but do things with my son, and a million other things that slip my mind at present...

My needs go unagknowledged and un fulfilled, and yet he expects me to cook, clean and be the happy little house wife to man I see as littl more than an invalid sharing my personal space.

I thought he had changed. He was doing well in Montreal, and I though he would bring that same strength and accountability here.
He thought I was the same. The same woman who cooked, cleaned, ironed, loved him and gave everything she had for his happiness; but that changed the day my son was born and now he's the one I love that way, and anyone since has been forced to be second best.

So he made a bunch of excusses. The house is a mess, he's affraid I'm going to kill him, there's no work here, he doesn't have a car, he hates our area, he doesn't have any money, etc, etc, etc...
What he was doing was trying to rationalize it to himself. Trying to give himself enough excuses to make it belivable to HIM and have me agree and support him.

The stupid fu(k even asked me to agree and support him. Tell him he's doing the right thing, and that everything will be fine. We fought. we've been fighting since last night about this. At one point I even said if he didn't shut the fu(k up I was throw him off the balcony. He said if I touched him he'd call the cops. I said I won't touch you if you just SHUT UP!!!

My mom was texting with me, making sure I was OK and didn't loose my cool. She told me to come over there; but honestly- going from one raging mad house in an abusive family environment would have been no answer, and I needed to sort my head out, look for places in my area and figure out a way to break this news to my son.

Just last month we had to get rid of our dog, 'Puggy' and that was hard for my son to handle. One of the big reasons was because Pug wasn't happy here, and Alex wasn't handelling him very well. He was getting way too mad at the dog too often and I felt that Puggy needed to go to a better environment for HIM; but it was very hard on my son! Now I have to try and tell him that his biological father is leaving AGAIN- WOW!

I really feel like a stupid jerk for thinking Alex had changed. I beleived he had changed because he was doing well in his work, was driving down from Montreal to KW (6 hours) every 2 weeks just to my son, and he wanted, REALLY WANTED to be a part of his life.
He would stay at my house in Waterloo all those weekends. Several times, late night he tried to instigate sexual contact. I told him NO! The he wasn't here for that and I didn't want any of that between us. He's always the same offer- if I were to pack up my son and move to Montreal he would take care of us. He evensaid that now- "Come with me. Lets get out of here and start a new life somewhere else."

I said no. There's no point to moving somewhere else for him to find work when all the issues are still gonna be there. If the only issue we had was money- maybe; but it's not. There's so much more and it goes years back into our teens. I'm not gonna tote my son around, chasing after a man who'll enitvablly leave us in the end. Alex and I have no 'relatioship' we're not together that way at all. We're coparents and room mates- that's where it ends. There is no love, sex, or anything like that; even our respect for each other has died these last few months living together.

As I saw him working less and less, spending more time in bed and in his room- I knew it wouldn't be long before he got fed up and decided to leave.

He blames me, and that's OK that he blames me- I can take it. Everyone throws blame on me whether it's warrented or not- I'm used to it

I know why he's really leaving, and yes I wasn't 'good' to him; but how could expect me to be when he couldn't do any of the things I asked of him, or respect the love between me and my son and NOT challenge it.



So yeah, it's Make It -OR Break It time now. It's time for me to get strong, not matter what the cost. Suck it up and do whatever I have to do in order to pick up my life, my son and my belongings, and move on from here (this apartment) and on with my life.

I'm in a bit of a conundrum- therapy, college, everything I'm doing right now is here in Toronto; but it's so damn expensive in this city- I'm not sure I can afford it on my own.
FU(K!

That's my biggest challange, to find us a decent place that I can afford on my own, and that's gonna be HARD to do in TO

I have choices...

I can try to get us a one bedroom place here in TO and lived cramped for a while, as I attend therapy and college as planned.

I can move back to KW and be closer to my shrink, who has a full case load and not enough time to do full active treatment with me on a regular basis. Try and transfer to the local college there, and get stuck in the same damn rut I've lived in for the past 32 years. I hate that town. I know way too many people and I'd like to leave that place behind; but the cost of living is much better- still no therapy or assurance of a college transfer- it's too unpredictable.

My future is here in Toronto, back there lays the past and I'd like to keep it that way.

Too much going on right now. Too many choices and possiblities to fail/faulter- I have no idea what I'm going to do right now; but it;s in times like this that I get strong.

I swallow all that angst and all that frustration and become as strong as I have to be to get the job done. Mayb ethat's what I needed. Maybe that's why this happening right now- because I needed a swift kick in the @ss to get up and start my life over again.

What ever the reason, what ever the issue- I will prevail and I will survive because I am a survivor and that's what I do- I SURVIVE!