I'm terrified right now.

I was invited to a party a few eeks ago and tonight is the night.

I haven't been around in 'people' in so long (without my kids) and now that I'm in this process of change I'm affraid of what I'm gonna do and if I'll be able to handle it.

I went out to to a Pub last light with a new friend I met online; but that was different because we share mental illness in common (something thatbrought us together actually) and we could talk openly about our nervousness being in public and our issues, etc... I didn't feel like I had to fit in and confrom; but tonight is different and I'm scared

I don't really want to go- but I'm supposed to get and meet people (as per my therapist) so I'm trying to force myself to go
Ugh!

I really just wanna crawl in bed and forget it- this is so fu*king HARD to go out around people- I don't like it at all grr........

I hate this
FML

Arrrrrrg

Stupid frustrations with my XBF and I'm so fu*kin sick of it!!!!

I need to vent

We broke up a month or so ago becuase I found out he was emotionally unfaithful to me with another woman. Long story... Anyways, I posted an add on a website for a new lover (not relationships, just a FWB type thing) and he sent me this email outta nowhere saying he saw my ad and it made him jealous.

Well that's just fine and dandy, but does he do anything about his jealousy- NO!
Just drops it out there and ignores all my emails trying to talk to him.
Whatever!

I just sent out a mass email through my contacts because I've beenterribly ill the past few days, went to the hospital and found out I have a chest infection- so I wanted to let everyone in my mailing list know that I would be legitamately laid down for the next few days as I get the rest I need to repair my body. people in my contacts know I'm BPD/HPD and that I get severly depressed, they check up on me and if they don't hear back in a reasonable amount of time they worry about me. So this was more of a 'Don't worry, I'm fine just sick' than an I'm sick feel sorry for me, type of thing...

He comes out and says, "I hope you don't die"
WTF is that???

I sent him a message that said, "I'm sick"
nothing back...

I sent him another one that said, "Why do you think I would die anyways?"
nothing...

I sent him another one that said something to the effect of- "why the fu*k would you send this messed up message, hoping I don't die and not even respond to me? You hope I don't die, but you refuse to have anything to do with me while I'm alive. That's fu*ked!"
Still nothing...

At this point it had been5 hours since he sent me that 'note' with no response. I had been unable to rest or relax because of the confussion in my mind and the fact that he hadn't responded. I sent him a message saying, "Not to bother messaging me again. I can't take him dropping these notes and not responding to me when I answer. I can't take the head games and guilt tacticks he pulls all the time, and if he's not going to be a part of my life- he needs to stay the fu*k out of it once and for all! I said as far you're concerned I AM DEAD- so go away and don't ever come back!"
Well THAT got a response. "WTF? I'm dead to you after askin if you were OK?"

That's not what I said at all but I wasn't gonna debate it. I just said, "Never mind- you don't get it and you never will."

His response, "WTF did I do to you now?"

In short, I told him that he refused to love me. He refused to love me and be the man I want, need and deserve in my life, and yet he won't stop loving me to the point of being concerned for me and jealous- even telling me this stuff. Like why tell me? Just keep it to yourself and carry on. I don't want to know what you think, feel, or whatever else because it hurts me to know you still care for me but are unable to love me the way I need to be loved.

It hurts like hell.

I just want him to leave and go- once and for all. Just get out of my life and stay out forever- DONE!
But he won't and that makes it all the harder on me...

Anytime he hears, sees or becomes aware of something to do with me- he does this. He always does this and I always bend for the sake of love.

Do I still love him?
Yeah I do; but he's unable to love me the way I need to be loved and support me in my life and emotional struggles. I don't expect him to be a door mat or a target of my abuses. that's what led to our break up, me saying I needed space to sort out my mind and emotions because I was putting my sh*t on him unnecessarily,...

[ Continued ]

I love blogging, it gives me a place to put my thoughts, my struggles and anything else that's on my mind at the time.

I'll probably use this a lot for venting, thought processing and just pouring things off my chest as needed to lighten the load as things wax and wane thorugh the course of my therapy, and my life...


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I see these blogs have many options for permissions acording to guests, members, friends and foes; so I'll make this one entry fully viewable to everyone so that all can be made aware that this going to be a SAFE PLACE 4 ME, veiwable and replyable ONLY to those posters I trust NOT to harm me- my 'friends' here on psychforums.

Thank you
~Alice