I'm not sure how I should write on this site. On the one hand, it's difficult, because I'm so used to speaking and pretending to be one person.

SIDENOTE: I think I'm going to just say that my entire blog will be "trigger warning."
It's out of the way enough to record thoughts and such, so I think I'm going to try doing that again, even if it's reminiscent of other things that were less beneficial.

Another difficulty with this forum is the fact that.... well, I'm so used to not paying attention when we switch that we have difficulty telling who's who, who's out, who's communicating what, etc. I don't know what to do about that, really. We can tell there are several out at any one time, and we can sense switches VERY frequently, but most of the time we don't seem to pay attention to who we are/who is out individually, because it seems to take extra energy to pay attention to who is who. I'm not sure if that would make sense to anyone but, it's how we work. Usually we are all kinda working together and putting in different parts of whatever is written, but speaking individually makes us feel rather vulnerable, since it'll make us individually responsible for what's written.

And lately that's been causing us to re-edit our posts, add more, remove parts, and generally muck up things while posting, so I might try to take a break for a while again.

In other news, this memory thing has unnerved me. And someone keeps distracting me.

And Timothy came out yesterday when we had to walk home, and decided to wander up a path along a steep hill through long grass, only to emerge at a deserted playground where we let him swing and do some thinking/reminiscing. He finally agreed to write in the little notebook thing we started to write thoughts in. He said he was and is lonely, and that... what was it? We spent a lot of time alone growing up. Wandering around places, looking at things... we had an interest in bugs because what else was there to look at when your mom visits somebody and essentially kicks you out of the interaction, leaving you to your own devices and making it clear that she wanted to forget you existed for a time? He is also, likely, the reason we decided and believed we were a boy for a while. We refused to accept that we weren't, and even when we "knew better", we were still determined to be a boy, as much as we were able, because we felt we were, regardless of what anyone said about us or how our body was designed.

So that is interesting. We as a whole are likely to forget it all soon, so I'm glad I'm writing it down. I think I'll use the collective "I" while writing in my journal, because otherwise it's too... otherwise it's hard, because we can't just all put in our own input collectively/working together, we have to try to work separately, and that causes anxiety.

I might write later, if I'm able to.