Dear K
let me start off by saying that I know I would never dare say these things to you but I wish in someways that you could see how you make me feel on the inside and how different that is from the happy go lucky girl you see on the outside.
I know the reason I probably allow myself to feel like this is because there is something not right with the way I think. Who knows maybe in time I might actually get to know what and why that is.
I also wanted to say that I am grateful that you made me face the idea that something wasn't right with me and instead of reacting with horror when you guessed I was hurting myself, you practically forced me to do something about it. I needed that and for that I will be forever in your debt.
But, you see the thing is, I feel like I go out of my way to be there for you too. I listen to the rants, the moans and the grumpiness. I let you spit it all out at me. I listen and I try and be supportive. I listen when you bitch and moan about the other people around us that you say are supposed to be your friends but they never support you or say the right things. I listen to the horrible things that they say to you and I try to not judge you or them. I take the punches so you don't throw them at R. I offer to do something nice for you when as you say, the people who you expect to do that for you dont. But then I am not good enough for you. Why do you never want to have lunch with me? Or coffee? Why when I offer dinner are you always busy? And you know what, that hurts a whole bunch. What is it that they have that I dont have? Am I not a good friend to you? You make me feel like I am not, that I must be this completely souless empty shell with nothing that is worth caring about inside. I don't care easily about other people and this is why, because you cant trust people not to walk all over you.
Maybe I am just angry at myself that I let you in. That I told you thinks about me that even my R doesn't know. I should have kept my walls up. I shouldn't have been so stupid to think that we are so alike that you might be different. You really are not. I want you to know that every time you come up with another reason to reject me yet again, it feels like you are stabbing a knife into my heart, not killing me instantly but letting me bleed out all over the floor. Watching over me and laughing at my stupid insignificant self.
I wish I could cut you out of my life, erase everything that I had told you. Every painful syllable I mentioned. All of it. I wish I never knew you existed. Thats sad isn't it? I don't hate you, but I wish so very much that I could hate you. You make me so angry my blood feels like its boiling in my arms.
I am going to have to end this here. I cant type anymore because I can feel my self getting upset and I am not breaking my 2 months without cutting for you again.
Normally I have a spark of hope about a situation but with you I just want to feel dead inside again.
Addy x