Dear K

let me start off by saying that I know I would never dare say these things to you but I wish in someways that you could see how you make me feel on the inside and how different that is from the happy go lucky girl you see on the outside.

I know the reason I probably allow myself to feel like this is because there is something not right with the way I think. Who knows maybe in time I might actually get to know what and why that is.

I also wanted to say that I am grateful that you made me face the idea that something wasn't right with me and instead of reacting with horror when you guessed I was hurting myself, you practically forced me to do something about it. I needed that and for that I will be forever in your debt.

But, you see the thing is, I feel like I go out of my way to be there for you too. I listen to the rants, the moans and the grumpiness. I let you spit it all out at me. I listen and I try and be supportive. I listen when you bitch and moan about the other people around us that you say are supposed to be your friends but they never support you or say the right things. I listen to the horrible things that they say to you and I try to not judge you or them. I take the punches so you don't throw them at R. I offer to do something nice for you when as you say, the people who you expect to do that for you dont. But then I am not good enough for you. Why do you never want to have lunch with me? Or coffee? Why when I offer dinner are you always busy? And you know what, that hurts a whole bunch. What is it that they have that I dont have? Am I not a good friend to you? You make me feel like I am not, that I must be this completely souless empty shell with nothing that is worth caring about inside. I don't care easily about other people and this is why, because you cant trust people not to walk all over you.

Maybe I am just angry at myself that I let you in. That I told you thinks about me that even my R doesn't know. I should have kept my walls up. I shouldn't have been so stupid to think that we are so alike that you might be different. You really are not. I want you to know that every time you come up with another reason to reject me yet again, it feels like you are stabbing a knife into my heart, not killing me instantly but letting me bleed out all over the floor. Watching over me and laughing at my stupid insignificant self.

I wish I could cut you out of my life, erase everything that I had told you. Every painful syllable I mentioned. All of it. I wish I never knew you existed. Thats sad isn't it? I don't hate you, but I wish so very much that I could hate you. You make me so angry my blood feels like its boiling in my arms.

I am going to have to end this here. I cant type anymore because I can feel my self getting upset and I am not breaking my 2 months without cutting for you again.

Normally I have a spark of hope about a situation but with you I just want to feel dead inside again.

Addy x

I am making banana cake right now at 11.40pm for my friend who is having a crappy time with builders in her new flat and rubble everywhere and no oven and no washing machine or shower.

I am asking myself why I am doing it and trying to pretend that I am doing it selflessly. Because she needs cheering up. Now I know I am a bit stupid because I just spent an hour listening to her rant about everything in her life and the other people we work with and how they are not interested in her and she has tried to take an interest in their lives etc etc etc. But actually, I know I will do these things for her but she will still be out having dinner with them next week and not me. I get dropped like the sad little worthless kid when she feels better about life.

I am trying to not let it bother me. I think that I must mean something to her because why am I the one who she always tells this stuff too, but I also cant help wondering if I am getting used and abused by this person as well.

So why am I doing it? Cos I am such an idiot thats why and I have no will power! Maybe I almost like being walked all over. Maybe I know its because she will always come back to me with these things again. There's always something. I wish I have the strength to not give a damn about her like most other people in my life. Why is she so special? I hate she makes me so cross!

But here I go to take the cake out of the oven. Maybe I should just keep it for myself!

So I went to see my parents today. If I am honest I try and avoid my parents. Avoidance is always key in my life. If something is too hard avoid it or run for the hills! Anyway, my not seeing them is a way of me avoiding my anger with them. Its just easier all round like that. Its just been harder to avoid the anger since I realised that the things that went on in my house when I was a kid probably shouldn't.

I getting side tracked now. This was really about my mum.

My mum has been on antidepressants for about 2 years but she never told me. I knew because my sister (lovely that she is) told me. I didn't ever talk to my mum about it. I guess thats more avoidance, its just too hard. I dont do feeling about anything and especially not with my family.

But anyway, she told me tonight that she is on them. She told me that she doesn't have any friends because she does not deserve any. So there is my dad in the back ground shaking his head, and basically just making it out like my mum is being stupid. But I cant help but feel that he's the reason she is like that. My mum has nothing because my dad has overwhelmed her completely. He is not overtly abusive towards her and he does not hit her but he does things like gets angry and upset if she tries to do anything without him. He has to go with her everywhere. He's the only person in her life. But he made it that way and then he tries to blame her. He says its your fault because you never wanted to go out to see anyone and no she didn't want to go out to see his friends but she never stopped him seeing them by himself and that didn't mean that she did not want to see her own friends. There isn't anything wrong with having some degree of separation from your husband/ wife. Otherwise you surely just become one entity and not a person in your own right.

So how can I make my mum see that? Maybe she does see it but she doesn't want to face the reality of it. But only she can take a hold of her life and make a change right? I want to empower my mum and help her to get better. She has never been offered counselling or anything like that. I told her I thought she should go back to the dr's and ask for it. But I know she probably won't.

I was wondering if I could get her to join the forums. I dont know if she would but since it seems to have been a lifeline for me, I think maybe just being heard by someone can make you feel better. Someone always hears you here.

Sometimes I wish I could shake my dad and open his eyes and make him see what he has done to her and to me as well. I honestly dont think he means it (or perhaps more avoidance of the situation from me). Everyone is so messed up in my family!

Its been 3 months next week. 3 months since I went for a psychotherapy assessment and was told yep we think psychotherapy would probably be a good idea. You will have to wait 2-3 months for it though. Then you will have to do it for at least a year probably longer.

I am the most impatient person in the world. I need to get on with it! I cant live like this for very much longer. I am bored of feeling like this. I am not sad anymore but I am definitely not alright either. I haven't cut myself for 2 months thats the longest since december but I am in serious danger of letting it all slip away again. Then how bad will it be when it comes back, as it always does. I have to do something about this now. Otherwise its never ever going to get better.

I have never been good at waiting for things. When I decide to do something I need to do it now. Waiting is just making me doubt my decision.........

So I live in London, I live right in the middle, in actual fact I live about 200 metres from where on this day 6 years ago, 13 people were murdered when a terrorist detonated a bomb on a number 30 bus.

At the time I was just about to start my night shifts that night, I was asleep. The sound and the force of the blast woke me up. I will never forget that sound. It made my windows rattle. We could already hear the helicopters circling because they had already detonated a bomb on a tube between Kings Cross and Russell Square stations (which is at the end of my road). In the time after this, I remember people running away screaming down my street. It was like what I imagine living in a war zone would be like. We were not allowed to leave the house as the emergency services did not want more people in the streets surrounding the area.

I have never talked about how much it effected me. Everyone has a story about that day. People couldn't get home from work or they couldn't get to work or they knew a friend who knows someone who was on the train. Although I eventually managed to persuade a police officer that I needed to get out to go to work. I had no escape from it. I remember the anxiety of returning home the next day. Not really sure what I was going to be able to see. What was going to be left of my neighbourhood. People lost their lives, in cold blooded murder. In such a dramatic way. Literally while I slept around the corner.

I guess, I didn't have the option of leaving the area and returning to my home where it was quiet and I felt safe again. My home was and still is slap bang in the middle of the event. And now as I sit in my front room, I can hear the sirens again and the helicopters six years later. Its always like this, on this day. There is a massive police presence and I guess I am thankful for that. But it still makes me remember what it was like to hear people running and screaming outside of my window, while I sat on the sofa, watching my street on the tv.

It was scary for everyone. For all Londoners. But for most, it wasn't happening on their street, outside their homes like it was for me. I am grateful that no one I love was involved anymore at least.

My thoughts are today with those who did loose their loved ones on this day.

I remember you. x