What a day. I slept very little after last night shift, now back at work. It has been a rough day emotionally. I woke after 3 hours sleep and sent off an email to an old friend, she was my saviour during the early adult years; if not for her I am quite certain I would have met my maker a long time ago. The bipolar was the wedge that eventually pried us apart, we had been inseparable. I started crying as I wrote the email. I wanted her to know about the bipolar, more than anyone else I thought she deserved to know. It was nearly 15 years ago that we went our separate ways and I have only seen her a handful of times since, the last time 7 years ago. I told her she will always hold a very special place in my heart. I hope I don’t overwhelm her, again. It’s not my intention, just trying to claw back the best parts of life that I have lost to this disorder, her friendship at the top of that list.

In that vein I also sent an apology to one of my previous employers, I was working as a nurse in a remote Aboriginal community. I felt very much at home there, until this damn disorder took over. It was a manic episode that saw me jump in my car and drive for 3 days straight. Another burnt bridge. That reminds me of another such occasion, when I spontaneously drove from Perth to Sydney (approx. 4000km) in 3 days also. That was fully manic.

After sending those emails I still couldn’t sleep, feeling pretty low, so I smoked some weed; that helped, but it’s not a viable solution. My current employment has random drug testing. However, I have been dealing with this bipolar nature by myself for a long time now, I know when to worry about repercussions and when I need to throw caution to the wind. I can only hope by starting on Lithium I can finally put all this chaos behind me.

I’m listening to Pearl Jam, Yellow Ledbetter, classic. I relate to that band more than any other, listening to their music calms me.