Memory trigger…I’m trying to recall but memory is so hazy, I guess I can blame the bipolar for my dodgy memory now. All those sleepless nights, letting my overactive imagination run wild, followed by high energy positive days of feeling good but not being able to grab hold of any sense, and erratic behaviours, dragging my family along for the ride. I’m sure the kids love my mania, except when it turns grumpy. I know my partner is getting tired of it.

I went hard at exercising today…a long walk through the bush followed by a run and sprint intervals and then I hit the gym for the bike and rowing machines. Still full of energy. Still feeling a bit jittery, but it seems to be improving. Still not depressed…I have been convinced that depression makes up 90% of my life but that thinking may be changing, as I come to understand this disorder. It’s when I’m depressed that I dwell so much on the emptiness of life so that it feels like all of my life is consumed in this vacuum, when I’m manic I’m not dwelling at all and so don’t pay as much attention, I think…

I don’t spend much, if any, time between cycles. I guess that means rapid cycling, that’s what the doc said too. I need to sleep for night shift tonight but I’m still feeling wired after that workout.


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I have started to feel a depression brewing. I’m not sure I’m used to such rapid cycling, I can only guess that it is the Lithium at work trying to find a balance. I feel like crying and finding a hole somewhere to bury myself away. I think I really need to learn how to let myself cry. I feel a negative aura around me, fortunately my colleagues know I am weird and they are likely used to me turning inwards. I am lucky enough to have my own office and if no patients present I can spend the whole shift alone. Like I said, I’m pretty sure my colleagues are used to me this way. I’ve been working up here on and off for nearly 3 years, it has been my most consistent employment – considering I average about 4 different jobs per year, most of which I leave because of my struggles with what I now know to be bipolar. Out of necessity I often leave without notice and have left a string of burnt bridges behind me, which upsets me because some were jobs that I really enjoyed.

I can’t even allow myself to feel excited about my newfound empowerment at the moment. I note my depression is marked by an even lower tolerance of interacting with people. It’s not a real depression yet though, I’m trying to push it away. In any case, one thing I have learned is to get by in the world when everything inside me is falling apart. It’s not pretty, it’s not sociable, but I get by. That has been my life.