I understand a little more today. I have been recalling episodes of true mania, especially when I was younger. That complete tsunami of energetic, positive emotion that blinds your senses and takes over from the ?reasoned being I was before it.

I recall these episodes alienated me as a teenager, I was certainly a misfit. With insight I convinced myself that I have managed to mostly subdue the mania by refusing to allow myself any emotion, especially positive ones (having the belief that these events were triggered by being happy). But that came after the years of polysubstance abuse.

I occasionally have true manic episodes, but they are relatively rare. Most of my highs I consider hypomanic, which equally presents on occasions as hypomania and agitation. Though my last true mania was about a month ago, when I had convinced myself I was gay and almost engaged in homosexual sex. I have never had homosexual thoughts or feelings previously or since.

That episode only added more strain to my relationship. It was a week and a half of high energy sexual intensity from which I was partially saved by being in a remote location for work. My racing thoughts, rapid speech and high energy was an experience for my colleagues, who are used to the eccentric types of people who work in remote locations. Fortunately I was able to get my hands on some weed; it dulls the intensity of my mind (while I'm stoned).

Meanwhile, today I started to wonder what "normal" will be like. If not manic or severely depressed I am generally nervous and extremely introverted (not reclusive, just introverted). For too long my grip on reality has seemed to me tenuous. Right now I have that all-too-familiar feeling of tearing open a doorway in space to a more real reality.

I wonder if I am heading for another mania, except I still feel so F!@#ing exhausted from the last one; I've not long come out of the depression after finally seeing a psychiatrist and starting on lithium. Yet at the moment I can't get a grip on my thoughts, I can't concentrate or keep my mind focused and simple problems are doing my head in because I can only see complexity. I feel like I'm shaking all over and I would guess my blood pressure to be very elevated (I will check tomorrow). I'm having trouble making eye contact and trouble communicating because I can't grab a hold of any thoughts. But I can seem to write ok.

I sent 2 emails to dad today. Previously I'd be lucky to speak to him twice a year. Both emails were lengthy, he can be very supportive and I worry because I found out he has cancer the same day I was diagnosed with Bipolar. He is a good man. Now I think I'm heading for a depression because I want to cry, but don't know how. I might go for a walk.