My brain used to work. I was always bad socially, and when i was a small child I was almost mute around everyone except close family. But my brain used to work OK. I could study for long periods of time, I could be reasonably optimistic.

When I was in my early teens I used to wonder sometimes if I was some kind of monster, at night when i was laying in bed trying to get to sleep. But I sort of shook that feeling off. When i was doing my undergraduate degree i had a group of close friends. It was the first (and only) time that I really had a social life or friends. It was a very insular group of people who had a lt in common. But I always felt some kind of disconnect. I could never initiate, never be spontaneous, always an observer.

After that I have been very solitary. These days I have no friends where I live, although there are some colleagues who i like.

My mind feels like it is shot to pieces. My executive function is poor and i am always forgetting things. Also I am having extreme trouble with acting according to my goals, I have become a creature of instinct.

I have been trying to pursue my dream career. But now i start to feel the dream may be coming to an end. I am clutching at straws trying to get back the discipline. It is tricky without much meaningful interaction with people. There is not the stimulation.

I have often been lucky in life. I had a reasonably happy childhood. There were problems of attachment, due to various factors, so my relationship with family is not exactly an emotionally gushing one, but i was supported in my "life decisions". And I have had luck pursuing them. When I had my breakdown, i quit my job but my then boss invited me back.

But at the same time i feel like i have been wandering in the wilderness somehow. It always seems to be so precarious, hanging by a thread.