Just like me. Having a stupidly dramatic title. Can't do anything without pouring angst over it.
I've come to realise that I'm disconnected.
From everyone.
From everything.
I don't have a connection. No matter how hard I try, I can't understand or even begin to comprehend why people are the way they are. The best way of putting it, I think, is that it feels like I'm on an alien planet, surrounded by a different species that acts in the oddest of ways.
Is this the BDD? The depression? The anxiety?
I really don't know, and I'm only a few steps away from caring.
Anxiety means I don't like talking to people, meeting and making new friends. or socialising in general. The depression is an odd one. I don't know quite how much it affects me. Maybe all the morbid thoughts I have, thinking that I have nothing to offer anyone... maybe that's just who I am? And the BDD? I still disagree with my doctor. I went shopping today and everyone was staring at me. They were. There was no doubt about it. And my mother, the only person I give a damn about away from the internet, is getting more and more frustrated by my constant pleas for validation.
'Why is everyone staring at me?'
'What's wrong with my face?'
'Why did I have to be born ugly?'
'Do I look alright? But do I? Really?'
My heart hurts, knowing how much it must upset her. No parent should have to hear their child ask questions like that. My heart hurts more, knowing that over the years, with the overdoses and self-harm, I've done more damage to her than she'll ever admit.
But I still can't stop. I don't know what will make me stop.
And the scariest thing?
I don't know if I want to stop.
Because once everything stops, it becomes real.
I'm just one of the many lost souls in the world, too afraid of hurting the person I care for the most to walk away from life.
And too battered, bruised, angry and sick of myself and the world to find out who I really am.

You are going to get through this Hewie, don't give up ok !!!!!!!!!