I'm not an angry one. I'm just me. Whatever the hell that even means anymore. Just need to write (well type) all this down. This is probably what a blog is actually supposed to be for.

This upcoming therapy session on Monday I have to do a history thing with the therapist. I thought I'd give it some practice, and I noticed something. It's about our mother so maybe that's part of why I felt compelled to put in my blog section.

I have almost no memories of my mother through most of my childhood, and the handful that I do have are mostly bad.

So yes, the first memory I have of her, I was maybe 4 or 5, and it was at the kitchen table when she called me a liar for saying that my father was inappropriate with me, told me to never tell anyone those "lies" again and told me that it would be all my fault if my father went to jail.

I reach around in my mind for more memories of her, from when I was a kid.

I get another one where I'm a bit older, I'm about 4 feet tall, no idea on age. We're standing in the kitchen, and she says something that I find hard to believe. To express my disbelief I jokingly call her a liar. She backhands me out of nowhere and tells me in an angry, matter of fact tone to never call her a liar. I'm standing there in silence and I think shock. And that's the end of that memory.

I search my mind for some more memories of her when I was a kid. Granted I have very few memories from my childhood as it is, but if I spend the time and effort, I start getting some of my father, some not-bad memories of him. Memories when he acted like my best friend.

But I come up almost empty-handed when grasping for memories of her. It's almost like she didn't exist. Most of the memories I can find at all take place at school, or out in the woods with my little brother.

I never realized it until trying to actually do this, but yeah, it's like she didn't really exist until I was about 12/13.

And when she does come into the picture, there is like a.. sudden strong bond out of nowhere with no transitional period. Suddenly I'm like her personal therapist and close friend. But it's all about her. How distressed and sad she is about her messed up marriage, and stressful the divorce thing is for her. How badly my father has treated her. I feel protective of her and want to take care of her. I'm worried about her. But what's so weird is that in my memories this comes out of nowhere, after this feeling like she didn't like me or want anything to do with me for the rest of me previous life.

I don't understand how it went from feeling like she wanted nothing to do with me, to feeling like she considers me so close and trustworthy to be telling me all of these intense, personal details about her marriage to my father and how it all fell apart.

I have watched the home videos that were mostly recorded by my father during my childhood years. In all of those videos, whenever my mother and I both present, it always seems to be the same, like she just can't stand my existence.

There is one video where myself and other children are hitting a pinata. My mother is muttering into the camera that I am cheating and sounds like she's just fed up with me. In a video where I am much younger, I'm singing to my baby brother. She threatens that I'll have to go to bed if I can't get the words right (I'm about 3.5-4 years old). There's not a single video to my knowledge of my mother and I ever doing -anything- together.

When I try to really think about this sort of thing, I feel like I am vomiting inside of myself.