I am going home for thanksgiving in two days. My mother also wants me to call her today. She was very clear that I need to not forget to day. I already know it is going to be an unpleasant conversation. I am not looking forward to spending time with her. I am planning on spending most of my break doing homework, which is impressive because I rarely get my homework done. I am even willing to do homework that I have already gotten a zero on for lateness. This should highlight how little I am looking forward to talking to my mother. I am never more anxious and miserable than when I am around her. In fact, I am rarely either. I almost never experience either when she is not in the equation. I am not yet in a position to support myself, but my friend and his parents have extended an offer to let me stay with them. I am seriously considering taking them up on their offer. Of course, I will have to pay them rent (they never asked for it, I just think it is right). But it would still be a more preferable option than dealing with my mom.

I blame my mother for my failure to do well in school. I have always had problems in school. I know for a fact that she was alerted to my problems as early as third grade. Maybe earlier. And she always saw my grades. Yet she took no action to reverse this. She would only occasionally ground me when I got worse than normal grades, she never encouraged studying, homework or anything. She was a single mother, so I do not think it is fair to demand her to be a perfect parent, but this level of incompetence is beyond an acceptable level.

I also resent her for her monetary demands. She always gave my sister anything she wanted when she made a six figure salary, yet she couldn't even spare enough to buy me a mattress that wasn't already almost 20 years old. My step-brother gets $10,000 a year towards his school, with the only string attached being that he had to continue getting good grades. I get very little financial support, and most of it is in the form of borrowing. I understand that money is tight, but I think that my step brother could afford $10,000 in college debt, to relieve some of the financial burden so that I was not paying my mother most of my paychecks. I am already paying for a significant amount of college myself. I *should* be paying for it all, technically. I paid for part of the first 2 years of college with parent loans, not realizing that they have to sole obligation of paying that back. I realized my mistake, and tried to tell my parents that I needed to get some private loans to keep going to school. My mother would hear nothing of it, and after a very very stressful month, she finally agreed to take $6000 out of her retirement account to let me go back for a year. Of course, this only occurred literally at *the last possible #$%(ing second* And of course, it was only borrowed. So I have to pay her back for that and my car still. I have paid off 2/3 of it, but that still leaves $2000. and half of my car so I owe my mom $4000. I am only a 21 year old college student. Anyhow, the loan from my mom was a one time band-aid and there is no possible way I am going through all that drama again. So I will continue to pay for my college partially with parent loans. I don't feel guilty about this. I never even wanted to attend college. My mother manipulated me by manipulating my brother into convincing me to go to college, while simultaniously discouraging all other options. I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, so this was effective eventually, after much resistance. Now she has denied me all other options but to use parent loans. I am not able to get any other forms of financial aid. There was even a loophole in the financial aid law that could have gotten me a $4000 grant, no strings, all we had to do was apply for a loan that we knew we would be rejected for, and we would get a free $4000 from the state. She wouldn't budge over the possibility it could ding her credit score 3 points, with the ding being erased from her credit history after one year.

I feel no more guilt in using her for money. I just want her to leave me alone. Maybe I can't have it both ways.