(get ready for potential ranting) My name is Bryan. I am 21 and I'm a (kinda) covert schizoid. I'm self diagnosed. I am 100% sure that I am a schizoid, I have done the research and I wouldn't claim to be one if there was even the slightest doubt in my mind. The only emotion that I don't have to fake on a regular basis is humor. I tend to laugh a lot, but otherwise I just feel dead and empty inside. I'm not depressed, its just a general feeling of 'meh' that seems to have started around middle school. I kinda got used to it. I generally tend to think the worst part is the apathy. Knowing you should do something, but not being able to motivate yourself. For example, I am at college and Finals start tomorrow. My first final is at 8am and I cannot motivate myself to study. I am here instead, and have been for 4 hours. Its a good thing I didn't bring my Xbox or I'd be failing my classes. Also, I am not asexual like some schizoids, nor do I dislike sex. I never had any desire for it though until I had it. Its nice I suppose, I like it, but I feel like it is over hyped. I do have a decent group of 'friends' on my floor at my dorm. They are OK I guess, I go to meals with them, but with only one exception I really couldn't care less if they dropped off the face of the planet. The exception is a girl on my floor who is a psychopathic schizophrenic aspie. Couldn't make that one up if I tried. I think she is interesting and I can relate to her surprisingly well, even though we behave as opposites. But again, the rest are fairly disposable. It seems mean to say that, but its how I feel I have one friend back home, who I have known since I was 4, but even though I feel content with our friendship, he is frustrated that I don't keep in touch when I am at school. Oh well. He is loyal enough that he won't go stomping off in a temper tantrum. My parents are divorced. Everyone in high school thought I was weird, but I also thought they were weird, so the lack of desire for friendship there is mutual. I don't care enough about my dad to keep in regular contact. My brother and sister, same story. My mom is controlling, and the only person who can inspire real emotions in me, generally fear or shame. Having a serious conversation with her would probably compare to having the biggest job interview of your life, with the interviewer being someone you've admired since you were a child, only to have the interview you tear you a new one and point out your incompetence. She doesn't even have to get emotional or mean to incite these feelings, and she typically doesn't. She tends to be even tempered. I have a genuine disdain for her. I'm assuming from both my memories of my teen years and my emotional response that she caused me to develop into a schizoid. She was a cold, distant single mother who was never there and showed favoritism for my sister. So I guess I resent her. But thats moot I guess. Its mothers day, and I only sent her a text to avoid her getting angry or sad when I go home next week, cause who needs to deal with that stress When I am financially independent, I will probably not speak to her again. Anyhow, sorry for that rant I guess, deep down, I would like to have a 'girlfriend' of some sort, though I also kinda don't at the same time. Preferably I'd like her to be someone who doesn't want to ever have kids (gag), and someone who will respect my privacy, especially with my cell phone and computer! They are mine and only mine and touching them or looking at them is a capitol offense to me Also, I know some schizoids like having a separate bed/bedroom when they get married. I'd probably opt for this so long as it doesn't interfere with sex. I suppose I could share a bed, if the bed was big enough, because I cannot sleep if I am touching someone else, I tried it before with my only ex girlfriend and I was up half the night every time. We dated for a year and a half, a year of which I was at college. She was pretty quiet and introverted and self conscious so it worked out great. We broke up because she had health problems, to the extreme that she was hospitalized half a dozen times during our relationship. I thought back then that I loved her, but I'm not sure now. This was before my emotions were completely deadened, so its possible. But I may have just grown 'fond' of her and comfortable with her. I moved on much faster than someone in love should have. I don't think I am capable of love any more though, if I ever even was. So I guess it is kinda moot. So now if anyone took the time to read this, the have the pleasure of knowing my small intricacies (at least the ones I could think of). I hope it reads well because I skipped back and forth when writing it. Feel free to ask me questions, but I wouldn't count on a speedy reply.