Make it stop please, please someone make this stop. I don't want to think about him any more!! I should hate him but why do I feel nothing but love and an under tone of fear? I should want to smash his face in. I want this to stop, make everything stop. I'm so confused how I'm happy and upset at the same time. Life is okay which is nice except my boyfriend being in hospital again for retaining water in his legs so much he can barely walk, damn liver disease. But the worst thing is me, how I let myself think all this. How much I struggle with how much I think of him. Sometimes I think it was easier going through it than it is now that I'm just left with the feelings. At least when he was screwing me I could put it in the back of my mind and ignore everything, I was a zombie. I'd do what he said without question, how did it get to that? How did he groom me that well? I didn't even notice. I thought he was my friend and best of all a member of my family who loved me for me, no matter how I acted. I know I was no angel as a kid but I think my mum stepped a little too far with discipline, I agree with standing by your rules but calling your 10 year old daughter a greedy little bitch is a bit too much, she wasn't all bad though. And so I ran to him, straight to his arms whenever I saw him. He'd hug me and love me and tell me I was his beautiful princess, nothing I got at home. But then hugs wouldn't make him happy and I didn't want to make him sad, I wanted to make him as happy as he made me, I'd do anything to cheer him up. How did the tables turn so? How did I become so dependant on his happiness? Did he make me feel guilty? Is it just in my caring nature to want to please people? I do like to see other people happy but if someone came up to me now and said you'd make me happy by giving me oral sex I'd say no, maybe it was my age? The innocence and naivety? So many questions, so little answers. Horribly when I feel this bad the person I want a hug from is him... When I feel this upset and feel I have no one to turn to I want to turn to him, almost like even though I haven't seen him in years I still need to depend on him. Is this how it carries on? The WANT to be around him? I used to dream about us living together as family, him always being there for me, but then I realised that was wrong when I realised what was going on. How could I not notice until I was 12? It baffles me. My boyfriend did something similar to what he used to do,point out how a heart on my top accentuated my breasts, I probably wont wear that top again..
Okay screw that water retention bit, I just got a phone call and it is his damn liver causing it, probably need a transplant now, we've been waiting for the news that he has to go on the list for about a year or more so we're trying to see this as a positive, a new liver means better immune system, means we can move out and move forward. But I'm so scared I'll lose him. I hate cystic fibrosis...

Hugs and breathe. You were a little kid and of course you did not understand what was going on. It is not your fault. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend and am thinking of you both.

Cracked