This entry is about the dangers of using drugs as self medication.

I never realized how bad I felt inside until I tried hashish the first time. It was like suddently I had found my reason to live - I fell in love. I could relax, laugh and feel "real" joy. It did not take long before I was smoking every day.

After a while it was not about happiness and joy. It was about not feeling "normal" when not intoxicated. The drug had becomed my identity and I did not realize it. I lost my friends who didn't use drugs. And I allways stood up for the drug and defended my use aswell as the drug itself, like it was my best friend.

When I was eighteen, I got a chronic, painful disease that's called Crohn's Disease. To ease the pain, I smoked even more hash. After a couple of years I got diagnosed with Crohn's, and got medicine that took the pain away. I was glad I could go on with my life, but I was still depressed and I still had a drug-problem. I started experimenting more with different drugs and got more and more socialy dysfunctional.

I went away to school and got top grades when the year was over. That year I hardly did drugs and focused on getting good grades. But when the year was over I got psychotic. I think it was because of stress and being depressed for so long. My diagnosis was "drug-induced psychosis". Of course drugs was a important factor for me getting sick, but what came first? drug abuse or mental issues? I guess I will never know. All I know is that not taking drugs does not make my issues go away. I am still bothered by mood swings, depression, dellutions, hallucinations and paranoia. But taking drugs makes it worse.

Taking drugs to feel better is like pissing your pants to stay warm!