There are days in my life were I am feeling so energetic and great to be around with when im not
taking my meds and feeling like I loosing my mind. My state of chaos is going over and over my head and I can be very unpredictable with every moment. I cant controll these actions and I get a little out of hand. Sometimes I can be off the wall and a little delerious at times.

Now when taking my meds I am down to earth and calm without bouncing off the walls. Its like dealing with a jekyl and hyde personality and I dont like to be one or the other. I can be fine on my medication, but feeling uneasy and out of touch with what is going on aroud me. Its like I am in a dream state. when im off the meds I can be the funnest and most outgoing person to be around, but inside I am really feeling sadness and uncertanty with who I am and can't deal with my state of mind and start to think irrational and suicidal thoughts.

I had my ups and down with my mood always when I growing up, but going from one extreme to another is not what I can handle on a daily basis. Its like being ok with everything in the morning and having a state of chaos and despair in the afternoon and go into shutdown mode.

I try my best to keep up on taking the right dosage and regulary take my meds. I forget once in a while and even go without being medicated for days. I get back on track and start having withdraw symptoms creeping up on me and its like a rollercoaster I cant get off.

I feel as those I set myself up for failure or there is a side of me that wants to come out and play and enjoy a seperate life from the one I am living. I cant deal with the conflict of both personalities fighting for control over who is going to win out in the end.