As some of you may be aware, I recently found out that my mother sexually abused my brother when he was a toddler. She has no idea that I know, and for the mean time I am keeping it that way, as that is my brothers wish. obviously I have toyed with the idea that she abused me too, but I have no memories of anything, and so i'm not going to jump to conclusions about this. More than anything, its brought to the surface how abusive she has been in other ways - physically, emotionally and psychologically.

My father has been absent - not absent enough for me to forget about my abandonment, but absent enough for me to feel his dismissal and lack of care all my life. He lives 4 hours drive from me. I think I must have seen him about 8 times since I was 2. He doesnt send me birthday cards, christmas cards or talk to me on the phone. He's never made and effort in any way, but I'm still aware of the fact that he exists. He is now severely ill in sheltered accommodation. He is an alcohol and a gambler, and has drank himself in to brain damage. there is no hope for a relationship with him now.

As a result of my parental experiences, my therapist thought that it might be a good idea if i mourn the loss of them, as a way of recognising their absence in my life. whilst my mother was physically present, she was not my mother. I have always had images of her mothering me, nurturing me, being caring and strong. I realised a few weeks ago that these were in fact fabricated images. The mother my "child self" was clinging on to, didnt actually exist. I needed to mourn her, and my idealised image of father, and learn to accept my biological parents simply as other people in the world. This helps me to disconnect from my mothers emotional control and abuse, and it helps me to come to terms and accept the absence of a nurturer in my life.

so, I'm supposed to write a letter to my mother and to my father, telling them everything I feel. Everything i'm angry about. everything that hurts. let it all out. then either keep those letters somewhere safe, hopefully where no one can see them, or alternatively burn them to send the message off symbolically. PHEW. wish me luck... this could be tough.