(Delay in posting because their was a snowstorm in New England that blew out everyone's power for a friggen week. I wrote this in a word document during the snowstorm as a note to my best friend who was up in college and I had no way of contacting because phones and cellphones were also down.)

Yesterday (10/30/11) I went to work at 4:15PM – Grandma refused to bring me because it was snowing badly outside and trees had begun to fall. My creepy step-uncle finally agreed to bring me, and it was chaotic trying to get there because there was a tree and a bunch of powerlines on the borderline road of Avon and Canton (and they’re still down – in fact, there are a BUNCH of powerlines down there). He told me he wouldn’t bring me home and that if I couldn’t find a ride home, I was stuck. I got there and the store was steadily busy for a while. After about an hour, Johann shows up out of the blue with an early anniversary present (which was chocolate, haha). So when I told him how I was going to be stranded, he told me to ask my boss if I could just go while he was there. My boss let me go, which is good because by the time I got home (about 5:30PM) my house had no power and my mom and brother were not too happy about it. Johann had to go to work even though he KNEW there wouldn’t be any flights or anything, so I stuck around my house and Grandpa and my uncle came over and hooked up the generator so that we would have limited power. As we speak I’m running my laptop on it’s battery (which I’ve been trying to do as much as possible because it would absorb a lot of power and I only have one working outlet in my room (out of four) which currently has a lamp running from it while I’m typing).

Well, I had told Johann to text me so I would have something to do with no power. But after he left I checked my phone only to find it had no service (and continues to have no service…) even though it worked when I was at ShopRite, so I called him on my house phone to let him know. Johann told me that the roads were bad (and even though I was in the kitchen on the only working phone in my house where people could hear me) I insisted he leave Jack in possession, because Jack is the one with the obsessive survival instincts. So Jack took over, and I let them go to work. (Thankfully no one in my family was paying enough attention to hear me call him that)

Jack calls me back around 8:00PM telling me that he’s been told to go home early, and for the next four hours he keeps calling me to update me with progress of where he is – he says he wants me to know in case anything happens to him, and lots of roads were blocked off due to trees falling EVERYWHERE (in fact, there are trees allllllll over my yard right now…). So at about…1:00AM I get another call saying that he’s had to stop somewhere because all the roads are blocked off. I told him okay, hung up, and went back to watching a movie (which I had been watching since 10:00PM, and I continuously watched all night until he got home because we had no cable). At about 2:00-something I got another call saying he had gotten farther but had been stopped because a tree had just fallen in the road and he had to wait for them to move it. I told him okay and went back to my dvds. 3:00-something I get a call where Jack just started crying and told me he was scared and just wanted to go home. But that his truck was stuck in a snowpile and he couldn’t get it out – he had broken his shovel trying. (And Jack admitted tonight when we went out for supplies and such that it was him and not Johann like I had thought, telling me, ‘I know what I’m doing tonight. I lost my head last night, and I’m not proud of it…I should have just…stayed calm. That’s what you’re supposed to do. If you stay calm and keep a level head you’ll survive, and I didn’t…’) So I tried to comfort him as best as I could (because none of them get emotional easily ._. and I was scared for them too). While we were on the phone some plow-driver drove past and lent him another shovel so I had to hang up again. I got a call at about 4:15AM when he finally got home… Can you believe that? He left work at 8:00PM and got home at 4:00AM. That’s harsh…this is the worst storm either of us have ever seen in our lives.

So, our anniversary was ruined by a snowstorm. But, at least we got to exchange presents.

Now, Jack has been in possession all day in order to help my family – I know this because a) I kept calling him Jack and was never corrected, and b) Jack was still in survival mode. Especially when we went to Big Y (the only store open tonight) and had to pick only essentials (because Jack suggested we get iced tea because there was no water left, and when I told him, “Ew, I hate iced tea…” he glared at me and was like, “If you’re trying to stay alive, you won’t care whether or not you like it.” …yet a few minutes later I suggested something and Jack goes, “I won’t eat that.” and I was like, “HEY. Who was just complaining about not caring what you eat if you survive???”). So, when we got home and got the generator problems fixed, Jack and I went in my room to finally spend some time together for our anniversary.

Now alone with Jack again…I tried to ask him more about his past. Jack told me that his memories go back to about age two or three years old, almost as far back as Luke’s. Jack explained to me that at about two or three years old he and his parents had been in Nebraska and had been stuck in a storm (kind of like this one) where they had had to ration food very carefully because they were trapped. Jack explained that this was the first instant in which the idea of ‘HIM’ appeared. It was still only Luke, but HIM split a few years later when Luke went dormant.

…I still didn’t get it, but I went with it. But then a few minutes later…Jack started acting different. Like, he started growling at me, which he hasn’t done since like…April, maybe? Since he went from ‘HIM’ to ‘Jack’ (name change). It used to be his trademark (how I could tell HIM from Johnny). So I decided to joke with him about it, I told him, ‘Oh yes, act like HIM again…if you can even recall those memories. Come on, Mister Tough Guy.’ And it was a joke for a little bit. Until finally he tells me, “I am HIM…”
“Well yes, Jack, but I kind of like ‘Jack’ more…”
“No, I mean I’m actually HIM.”
“…uh. What…? You can’t be HIM…”
“What color are my eyes? Look at them.”
I did for a moment. “…they’re…hazel.” I hadn't noticed because of the lighting in my room.
“Exactly. You have no idea how hard it is to hide the fact my eyes turn hazel from you all this time. That’s how you know you’re looking at me.”
“But…HIM was Jack and Johnny as one person. And they split. So Johnny would have to be with you right now…”
“And he is.”

Needless to say for about five minutes HIM led me to believe that Jack, Johnny, and Kiddo had merged to bring him back. But after a few minutes of him being the opposite of his old wanting-to-kill-me self, I asked him what the hell was going on. HIM told me he had actually been there all along, and he WAS a part of Jack, but Jack was actually part of him. He never fully explained the paradox, but he hadn’t actually touched the other three, he and Luke (who did not merge with Yohann) had been observing things for about a month now (and probably in HIM’s case, many months since Jack and Johnny had split). HIM forced Luke out into possession and Luke admitted that he and HIM had erased Yohann’s memory and led him to believe that he and Luke had fused when they hadn’t – HIM had grabbed Luke back at the last second, not wanting to in any way ‘taint the body’s core’. They never fully explained all of it to me. Instead of being mad, I hugged Luke tightly and told him I was glad to see him still here; that Luke was the original Johann whose love I wanted most to obtain (probably horrible logic on my part – I love them all, but Luke is the real Johann and if he doesn’t love me, it almost seems pointless). Luke assured me that he does love me, and then forced HIM back out, forcing him to answer any questions I asked him. So…

“So how can you exist at the same time as Jack and Johnny?” (I never included Kiddo because Kiddo is just a younger split of Johnny – HIM was Jack and Johnny)
HIM explained that he had blocked everyone other than Luke from knowing he was in possession because the paradox would probably accidentally erase the other three if they knew about him since they WERE him. The only real explanation he gave about existing at the same time as the other two was, “I’m Jack’s emotions.”.

“So Jack is emotionless and you’re hiding in the background?”
HIM explained that he was using Jack as a puppet, allowing Jack to believe that he was HIM when he wasn’t. HIM explained that Jack’s thoughts and actions were his (HIM’s), but that Jack was acting them out rather than he himself, he was just observing how Jack interacted with me. By the end of the conversation HIM explained he was testing me to see if I was going to stay with Johann, rather than leave him like the other girls they had dated had. (I jokingly told him, ‘Well, I’m not about to break up with you and sleep with your best friend, so…I think you can trust me.’ because that's one memory that is stuck in a lot of their minds) HIM says he’s decided that he loves me, and for some reason…I should be mad, but I’m not. He’s just so much like Jack that…it doesn’t feel any different than loving Jack.

“How far back do your memories go?”
HIM told me that Jack hadn’t told the whole truth because Jack only knew what HIM allowed him to. HIM’s memories go back as far as Luke’s do, meaning that even though Luke is the core personality, Johann’s mind was split from birth. HIM explained that when Luke went dormant, he hid Luke inside Chibi to protect him and created Chibi himself, which was why Jack felt such attachment to him despite not often speaking to him.

“Where were YOU the night your father died?”
HIM tried to mumble about not asking him that (like they all always do when I bring that up), but partially angry with HIM for dumping this on me on our anniversary I shot back, ‘I’m asking.’ So HIM explained that Chibi was in possession, but HIM was the one giving Chibi directions (similar to what Jack told me, only unlike Jack’s detached explanation of that night, HIM would be muttering things like, ‘You have no idea what it’s like to hold a dead body in your arms…’ which I’ve never heard from any of them…), and by the time they ran back to the room after using the payphone to call for help he was the one in possession, so by the time they got back to the room to find their father dead, Chibi wasn’t out, HIM was. HIM admitted that they lost all faith because God took their father away from them that night. (Which makes me question why if Jack had HIM’s memories why Jack is the only one who claims to still be Christian? – Yohann is a Pantheist, Johnny is an Atheist, the kids are too young to understand...it's odd)
HIM explained that the ‘hole’ was his creation, but that the subconscious controls it. HIM can control the inner system, but the subconscious overrides him and there are things outside his control. He claims the hole is a portal to his mind – he took all of the body’s most painful memories and shoved them all into one place so that the others would forget and the body would continue to survive.
HIM says that after his father died he created Yohann without really thinking (sort of spontaneously) to replace Chibi before he went ‘mad’ and the hole appeared. HIM stayed in the background to protect Yohann, but he wasn’t really ‘himself’ anymore. Anger, protection (of their body), survival, and fighting were the only things he remembered, probably due to (from Jack’s explanation) the fact that their father’s death taught him that life can be taken away from you very easily and the only thing he cared about was surviving.

“If you created Chibi and he’s so important to you why did you let him fall in the hole and why didn’t you get him out if you control it?”
Yet another ‘Don’t ask me that’ question that I demanded an answer to. HIM told me that shortly after their father’s death (Chibi does not have the memory of their father’s death because he didn’t *see* it, HIM did), Chibi somehow found the hole and wanted to explore it. By the time HIM found him, Chibi refused to leave it. When I asked why Chibi had been able to be pulled out by me HIM told me, “Maybe you were meant to find him. Do you know what it’s like to be alone for your entire life? What does someone like that want?” “Someone to be there for them?” “Exactly.”

“Are you the Gatekeeper?”
HIM said yes. He wants to be treated as the core in order to protect Luke from harm (we call him the 'failsafe core'), but that yes, he is the system’s controller, making him the Gatekeeper (which finally makes sense because neither Jack or Johnny acted like a Gatekeeper, they act like protectors).

“So if Jack looks different than everyone…what do you look like?”
HIM says he has the same hairstyle as Johnny, but his hair is black (like Jack’s) with blond tips (like Johnny’s), and that he has hazel eyes.

“How old are you as opposed to everyone else?”
HIM, Jack, Yohann, and Luke are twenty-four, but both HIM and Jack claim that their intelligence is probably somewhere in their thirties. Johnny is eighteen. Kiddo is fourteen (but will occasionally revert back to ten out of nowhere which is a glitch that can’t be fixed). And Chibi is nine.

HIM rearranged the system without forcing Luke and Yohann to fuse and without erasing Jack and Johnny (while HIM and I were talking, HIM said something I didn’t like, and upon watching my reaction, Jack grabbed HIM and wrestled him out of possession. When I asked if he was okay he told me, ‘I don’t know. I thought I was HIM, but apparently…I’m not?’) I don’t know which one of them, Luke or Yohann, is going to serve as host or how the system is changed, by the time we got through with all the drama it was already late into the morning. To be honest it’s a little weird to be talking to HIM who a) has been lying to us all along and b) now exists without Jack and Johnny – in fact, I’m starting to think he tricked us all into believing they were HIM when in reality Jack and Johnny were actually themselves even when they were one person, HIM was just puppeteering them into believing they were him. It’s possible HIM split from them the night their father died. It’s still just one big paradox I don’t understand.

HIM says he doesn’t want to change their mind ever again, that there mind is really scattered, and he’s extremely afraid of being put away for being crazy. He says that’s why he never revealed himself to me, and that's why he was so upset the first night that he was triggered out to me back in December. He says he was first conscious of himself when they were in elementary school, when their mind took on a completely different thought process whenever they fought kids at school, but the moment the fight was over they would break down crying, even if they won (Luke/Chibi’s conscience). It didn’t make sense. The school psychologist was ready to send them to counseling or a psychiatrist because the sudden personality shifts didn’t make sense. HIM made me promise I would never let them be locked up in a crazy house, because they aren’t crazy, they’re a traumatized child just trying to survive. I told him that I might still want him to see a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, but that I would never let them be taken away from me or locked up.

(Present-day addition)

All in all...it's been a little weird having HIM back, and to find out that Luke and Yohann didn't merge. I'm kind of glad they didn't, though. But I'm having problems with Yohann and everyone else. I'll probably ask about it in the forums.